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Fly Me to the Moon,Let me Play among the Stars,taaatatata
Friday, March 06, 2009
wisdomThuraya Movie, why I Love that movie and why Elissa's Awakher EL Sheta Album reminds me all the time with it
Relationships are always complicated"commercial word"
when someone makes you cry more than laugh, conceerned than secured, You seriously need to consider the whole thing
good stuff, words, special treatment nice words, good words, carin words, special treatment sometimes torture
is it age, alternatives, clinging, trap, illusion or victimizing
two things at two hands are heavy , Can't you balance between both, can't master at any , One should fall
what matters most/ daily good or momentarily hurt?
When and why one can say they are desperate
what is it to be confident, strong , compassionate or considerate
two or one
be careful what you wish for ,, seems I'm damn fucking good in turning illusions into a walking scary reality ,,,man it works !!!!
why am I writing this
Holy God.. thought I will never need this again after 17th
pause
Sunday, February 08, 2009
The Blissings of the CrueltySometimes it’s healthy to be tough, detached and a bit heartless. At least in my case.
I have that feeling recently that I was better off when I was totally detached, practical, and heartless and anti-relations. I mean this type of relations that starts greatly and breaks your heart eventually.
By breaking hearts, I Don’t necessarily mean a break up, but rather the way I handle related problems, issues and difficulties. May be I ‘ve to admit that after all that pretensions and coverage, I’m totally fragile and easily broken underneath. May be it’s my flaw.
Before, I was very tough and harsh, never allowed my heart to be affected or attached “rare cases and all ended in pain” but the general me was just like that: harsh and unapproachable. It worked fine with me.
Now I’m too attached, to an extent that freaks me out. This person I’m in love with took over my heart completely and that’s generally fine with me, actually I enjoy it EXCEPT when we fight. I see myself very weak now, not that delicate loved weakness, but for me it’s that panicking depressing one. The one that makes me totally scared out, afraid of losing him, tensed because we’re not fine, unable to live the rest of my life normally and I hate that. Realizing my being in that state made me hate it.
It’s my first time so I’m confused. Why loving a person could be that painful and breaking?
Why I should suffer and feel bad and all my life turns up side down because of my heart.
I realize now how I’m madly in love with him; this is nothing but crazy, deep and passionate love. It’s that type which I can’t live without, even can’t live when it’s slightly badly affected. It’s that type that makes me over the moon, happy in every aspect of my life when we’re happy, gloomy and hating my whole life when we are not fine.
It’s hard to tell whether it’s a bliss or a curse being in my state now, because obviously I’m on that gloomy side now. So all I see is how badly it affects my life being not ok together. I hate that.
I always thought our relation will be “different” as ironic as it sounds since I hear almost million couples have wished the same or believed in it one day. I thought our fights will be also lovely and civilized. But they’re not; they’re destructive, confusing, frustrating and shaking.
I’m totally freaking out now and longing for my old times when I was the master of my own life, when I was in a full control of my mood and happiness. Is it good to divide it into two, is it good to make a shared choice, even when it has to do with my happiness and good mood, is it healthy that my mood is governed now by US not me?
I’m not ungrateful because honestly the blissings of us being together are countless and now I know I don’t wanna live without him, I want to live with him and for him, but I’m freaked out by that effect over my life. Being me the master of myself.
I’m feeling terrified and scared
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Zaman, I was writing in all states of mind: sad or angry, happy or excited. But since I'm back , I just remember blogging when I'm not Ok.
It's how I started that blog anyway when I was sad. It all started like a weeping wall, then developed to encomapss all types of my contradictory mood.
I paused from writing for almost a year, was the reason I had someone in reality to share it all with me instead of the page. I can't admit - though it's a dumb online page- but was for me a real someone to whom I can talk and share, a need that needed to be fulfilled. Even if I didn't wait for people to comment - though- it was a pleaseant moment finding them doing. May be it makes me feel I'm more heard and more people care ( in a way) to know how I'm doing.
So why I stopped blogging!!! cause may be I found someone to talk to, So why Am I back to blogging now !!!
Regardless of the reasons, I feel ok I have it.
I will travel. no concrete plan for it so far, but It's a strong decision to leave. It's weird I have that wish again after all these years.I'm even terrified it's back, because the reasons behind it before were not pleasant at all. I wanted to travel before because of every not good thing I felt to escape from. So Why I want to do it again now !!!
Does it mean I'm back again !!!! does it mean they're back again!!!
I thought the older I get, the more responsible, mature, and stronger I will be in handling life. But see what happened! I grow impatient, depressed, fragile and gloomier as time passes by. I notice my self and get schoked of what kind of person I turned to be. It shocks me, and i feel terrified.
I decided once not to leave the country, declined a good opportunity, for all the hopeful thoughts in a future that will carry and fulfill all my long waited wishes. I always had the spirit of " Tomorrow is a better day, very soon this & that will change for the best, I will be able to do this & that" So I'm stayin to make them come true.
But here I'm, years after years, and sounds like it was all a mirage. Can't deny lots of my dreams come true as exactly I wanted them to. However, most of the vital ones didn't, and doesnt sound like they will any near or even far happen. Instead of having the old known optimism and persistence in pursuit. I decide to admit my surrender and let it go.
may be that is maturity, may be that's a good thing to let it go now instead of illusioned clinging to the impossible.
so nothing of them sound like coming true any near, and I'm tired so Iam leaving.
After aaaaaaaaaaaaaall these years, the old dream / wish was awakened again, coming out of its dusty lamp and roar again , haunting my mind " I must leave"
it's all about some steps & procedures to be soon enough there instead of here. & I already started. Still can't believe I think of it again, it was buried with all satisfaction & awareness of a decision, so how come it's strongly back!!
I feel sad it's back, cause it means one thing: Im not ok again
When I think of travelling: I m in a state of nothing really matters , all the valuable things in my life turn to meaningless figures to be left easily behind. All the good reasons for not travelling sound unimportant. Though they were stopping me from achieving a great dream of living abroad, but still they did worth it & never felt sorry or regret for it. Unlike now: they really worth nothing.
The family, the good times, love life, fear of someone's dear death while I'm away. someone's illness, someone needs support ...all sound meaningless and disposable. I feel indifferent towards them & it means one thing
I'm not ok
&
I'm leaving
Monday, November 10, 2008
Leaps upI was shocked that I forgot how to post / blog when trying to do now and it took me time to find out how. was it that long !!!!
I really missed my blog and what ever is the reason of not blogging all that time,it's an amazing special one ,so don't ask. :D
I wonder regarding my leaping moves done throughout the last five years or so. Strikingly, there is no logic behind & may be that's why they're leaps.
Graduating with a 2nd rank,starting my M.A. as a logical sequence & for no reason dropped it cause I thought this is not what I want to do,missing academic post, joining development field, quitting & joining corporate life for 3 years, booming there,making a good name & a promising future, quitting and joining back development but from the first step on the ladder as being inexperienced. Obviously the 3 corporate years are countless here. To have a good start, a mixed package of a relevant M.A. and expereince is needed. It's time to do my masters... in which field!!!! I don't know.
The new field is not what I want,leading to a very smart n logical question: What You Really Want!!!
a smart answer: I don't know
So after 4 years,leaping and swinging between all diverse, strange and illogical paths,I still don't know what I want.
Sometimes I think : was it right to leap and leave all these options behind !!! How Could I excel in a study /job and blindly quit because of a mere thought It's not what I want. If a choice I excel and spark at is not what I want, so what it's exactly!!!
Was it right to quit M.A. after graduating , to quit private sector, to decline Washington fellowship, to be here now !!!
I wonder those friends who are consistently growing in a path they chose long ago and steadily progressing. we started together with parallel moves but definitely didn't reach same distance of success.
What is better : a zig zag leaping frog or a steady focused steps!!!
the same smart answer leaps up to my smart mind again : I don't Know.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Are you happy being a man?Why am I happy being a Girl?
- having all those amazing body care products with those wonderful smells and extracts and various types of conditioners, shampoos, creams, lotions, scrubs, etc
- love the complication of spoiling & treating myself using the above multiple products, spa, beauty/hair salons and fitness centers
- wearing colorful, sophisticated, detailed, sexy wears without being described as being gay
- girls' nights and gossips
- being loved, courted, taken care of, and chased instead of doing the first may-be- embarrassing first move.
- Having short or tall haircuts
- Having people grabbing chair, opening doors, carrying bags for me
- Using feminine weapons to get what I want :P
- Having a luxury of loving trivial and lovely stuff like teddy bears, candles or chocolates
- Being adored for loving such stuff
- Not using the bad curses guys use either in public or private
Why am I not?
- unable to go out at local cafes "2ahwa balady"
- being religiously sinful for showing my hair
- unable to have simple cool outings like just gathering at kiosk or "Nasya"
- not having a privilege of making first move in relations instead of silenced liking or criticized first move
- being sexually harassed "even by rude gaze, words"
- being harassed/criticized for putting a revealing or tight wear "unlike men"
tagged: Fadfadation; Kareem; Mak, Italiano, Juka; Sara;outlandish;Gilgamish , Eyewitness
Labels: gender talks; nonsense
Friday, December 14, 2007
Che Guevara...Hasta SiempreSong lyrics | Comandante Che Guevara lyrics
Nathalie Cardone - Comandante Che Guevara lyrics | LyricsMode.com
Labels: passion
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Simpaticajust put that song here " Are you the one" by Within Temptation. it's so lovely & reason behind my being here.
I got to be a poor blogger because of that new life style adapted.
First: Finally i started my long postponed dream of learning Spanish. i've been learning since two weeks ago but the dream's price is committing to a class 4 times a week for 3 hours. So basically my day starts at 7 a.m. at work till 5 p.m, then directly to Spanish course from 7 till 9:30 and back home.
three days only left for the rest of my life including personal, social and family. weekeend is scattred between sleeping, Yoga, Spinning, movies, family, shopping, outings & suddenly it's sunday again :(.
it's really hectic that sometimes i got totally exausted and bored but then the whole picture is so bright.
i got that Paulo Coelho's Zahir but after few pages, it's not as interesting as Alchemist is. no need to rush & should wait abit before the harsh judgement.
I think now: why in every tough situation, i got dumb , so overwhelmed by mysterious feelings which block me from discussing, or instant confronting. I always feel this till taking lot of time alone before start facing the person with why i'm hurt or feeling bad of his actions.
i observed this since two years & till now in every situation, it proves to be unchangeable characteristic of me. this makes every situation harder as I keep feeling bad for long time before venting finally. the other person also gets trapped to a silent phase where i'm not ok & I can't talk about it as well. I don't know but I got stuck at some strange place where words swallowed inside & i exert painful effort trying to get them out but no avail. Emotional overwhelming may be, but in all cases, it's not fine. I need to change this.
Bien Fin de semana ( have a good weekend) " sorry guys but I should practise ;)"
R