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Fly Me to the Moon,Let me Play among the Stars,taaatatata
Monday, March 28, 2011
It Can't be that Perfect I should have knownI'm back... which means one thing ...I'm sad, lonely and need to vent out to my own comfort private spot: here. Yes I'm back because yesterday 27/3/2011, I broke up after 3 years and a half. I started hating March cause I also broke up with the one before this in March so any coincidence?? I can’t deny I’m still in a shock silent stage so may be I Can’t say more. But today I feel that is normal, I kept telling myself, why it seems like I have it all while my other friends don’t? I work at a fancy place, good package, lots of travels, talented in many areas, sociable and having friends, having warm supportive family, healthy and above all managed to have a perfect wonderfully made partner who is not only what I dream in a man, he is much much more than that. I felt I should envy myself and I always thought my friends don’t understand why I’m lucky cause those who were equal in work success don't have partners and those who have partners are average workers. why I combined both and more ? Then the 1st blow: my health got unstable - not as severe as other people Thank God – but still not like a normal sickness. I recovered and during my sickness, problems started in my relation till it ended now with break up. Now I realize this is justice, I can’t have it all, it can’t be that perfect, there should be a price, else, why successful colleagues are divorced or single? I can’t be successful and same time in love relation right? I don’t see any reason why not especially that my break up is not related at all with work-load or success related reasons. But the only link I see is the justice; I can’t take all shares of happiness. Though my priorities are health, family and loving partner and these are the only things I care for having and make me content, this doesn’t prevent the irony of life to take away two of them and give me what I really don’t want: work, and even this I’m not that star or pioneer, just a little trivial member in a big place but for my people, it is big something. What Can I say ? I wanted dearly to be healthy living with the one I love, and always willing to give away anything else whether I have it already or not. I was so content with those two and not caring for any other thing I have or don’t have. For me that was enough. But justice, God and some hidden forces seem to have other word. they reversed my wish list , took what I want and gave me what I careless for. To be continued as long as I’m alone, sad and broke up
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Happy Lonely BirthdayDear Mama,
Happy Birthday. this year I'm celebrating your birthday alone since no one seems to remember it. I even tried hinting out to my sisters that I will go to visit you, but they did not react. or may be they remember but want to hide it.
In all cases, It is me here alone celebrating you. I wished there will be anyone around me telling me "Happy Birthday to your mama" but no one said it, not even him.
Am I crazy?
Does it make me crazy wanting them to remember yours ?
Does it make me mad celebrating it?
Does it make me crazy remembering and celebrating?
I Do not know what to bring you ? wanted to bring Rayhan but it doesn't grow now.I couldn't find it anywhere. Shall I bring you pink roses? but you only liked to drink it with tea.
Would visiting your favorite friends be a good gift for you ?
I do not know what to bring you.. I wish there would be anyone thinking with me
is it me who should ask them to? or should they remember and offer ?
Anyway, definitely you're happy at least I remember right? I know you are happy and love it.and you will be happier seeing me today. I know you will love it
are you proud of me?
Kol sana winty Tayeba , wish you a wonderful peaceful year ...My Best Friend and Mama..... Ever and after.
Friday, March 06, 2009
wisdomThuraya Movie, why I Love that movie and why Elissa's Awakher EL Sheta Album reminds me all the time with it
Relationships are always complicated"commercial word"
when someone makes you cry more than laugh, conceerned than secured, You seriously need to consider the whole thing
good stuff, words, special treatment nice words, good words, carin words, special treatment sometimes torture
is it age, alternatives, clinging, trap, illusion or victimizing
two things at two hands are heavy , Can't you balance between both, can't master at any , One should fall
what matters most/ daily good or momentarily hurt?
When and why one can say they are desperate
what is it to be confident, strong , compassionate or considerate
two or one
be careful what you wish for ,, seems I'm damn fucking good in turning illusions into a walking scary reality ,,,man it works !!!!
why am I writing this
Holy God.. thought I will never need this again after 17th
pause
Sunday, February 08, 2009
The Blissings of the CrueltySometimes it’s healthy to be tough, detached and a bit heartless. At least in my case.
I have that feeling recently that I was better off when I was totally detached, practical, and heartless and anti-relations. I mean this type of relations that starts greatly and breaks your heart eventually.
By breaking hearts, I Don’t necessarily mean a break up, but rather the way I handle related problems, issues and difficulties. May be I ‘ve to admit that after all that pretensions and coverage, I’m totally fragile and easily broken underneath. May be it’s my flaw.
Before, I was very tough and harsh, never allowed my heart to be affected or attached “rare cases and all ended in pain” but the general me was just like that: harsh and unapproachable. It worked fine with me.
Now I’m too attached, to an extent that freaks me out. This person I’m in love with took over my heart completely and that’s generally fine with me, actually I enjoy it EXCEPT when we fight. I see myself very weak now, not that delicate loved weakness, but for me it’s that panicking depressing one. The one that makes me totally scared out, afraid of losing him, tensed because we’re not fine, unable to live the rest of my life normally and I hate that. Realizing my being in that state made me hate it.
It’s my first time so I’m confused. Why loving a person could be that painful and breaking?
Why I should suffer and feel bad and all my life turns up side down because of my heart.
I realize now how I’m madly in love with him; this is nothing but crazy, deep and passionate love. It’s that type which I can’t live without, even can’t live when it’s slightly badly affected. It’s that type that makes me over the moon, happy in every aspect of my life when we’re happy, gloomy and hating my whole life when we are not fine.
It’s hard to tell whether it’s a bliss or a curse being in my state now, because obviously I’m on that gloomy side now. So all I see is how badly it affects my life being not ok together. I hate that.
I always thought our relation will be “different” as ironic as it sounds since I hear almost million couples have wished the same or believed in it one day. I thought our fights will be also lovely and civilized. But they’re not; they’re destructive, confusing, frustrating and shaking.
I’m totally freaking out now and longing for my old times when I was the master of my own life, when I was in a full control of my mood and happiness. Is it good to divide it into two, is it good to make a shared choice, even when it has to do with my happiness and good mood, is it healthy that my mood is governed now by US not me?
I’m not ungrateful because honestly the blissings of us being together are countless and now I know I don’t wanna live without him, I want to live with him and for him, but I’m freaked out by that effect over my life. Being me the master of myself.
I’m feeling terrified and scared
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Zaman, I was writing in all states of mind: sad or angry, happy or excited. But since I'm back , I just remember blogging when I'm not Ok.
It's how I started that blog anyway when I was sad. It all started like a weeping wall, then developed to encomapss all types of my contradictory mood.
I paused from writing for almost a year, was the reason I had someone in reality to share it all with me instead of the page. I can't admit - though it's a dumb online page- but was for me a real someone to whom I can talk and share, a need that needed to be fulfilled. Even if I didn't wait for people to comment - though- it was a pleaseant moment finding them doing. May be it makes me feel I'm more heard and more people care ( in a way) to know how I'm doing.
So why I stopped blogging!!! cause may be I found someone to talk to, So why Am I back to blogging now !!!
Regardless of the reasons, I feel ok I have it.
I will travel. no concrete plan for it so far, but It's a strong decision to leave. It's weird I have that wish again after all these years.I'm even terrified it's back, because the reasons behind it before were not pleasant at all. I wanted to travel before because of every not good thing I felt to escape from. So Why I want to do it again now !!!
Does it mean I'm back again !!!! does it mean they're back again!!!
I thought the older I get, the more responsible, mature, and stronger I will be in handling life. But see what happened! I grow impatient, depressed, fragile and gloomier as time passes by. I notice my self and get schoked of what kind of person I turned to be. It shocks me, and i feel terrified.
I decided once not to leave the country, declined a good opportunity, for all the hopeful thoughts in a future that will carry and fulfill all my long waited wishes. I always had the spirit of " Tomorrow is a better day, very soon this & that will change for the best, I will be able to do this & that" So I'm stayin to make them come true.
But here I'm, years after years, and sounds like it was all a mirage. Can't deny lots of my dreams come true as exactly I wanted them to. However, most of the vital ones didn't, and doesnt sound like they will any near or even far happen. Instead of having the old known optimism and persistence in pursuit. I decide to admit my surrender and let it go.
may be that is maturity, may be that's a good thing to let it go now instead of illusioned clinging to the impossible.
so nothing of them sound like coming true any near, and I'm tired so Iam leaving.
After aaaaaaaaaaaaaall these years, the old dream / wish was awakened again, coming out of its dusty lamp and roar again , haunting my mind " I must leave"
it's all about some steps & procedures to be soon enough there instead of here. & I already started. Still can't believe I think of it again, it was buried with all satisfaction & awareness of a decision, so how come it's strongly back!!
I feel sad it's back, cause it means one thing: Im not ok again
When I think of travelling: I m in a state of nothing really matters , all the valuable things in my life turn to meaningless figures to be left easily behind. All the good reasons for not travelling sound unimportant. Though they were stopping me from achieving a great dream of living abroad, but still they did worth it & never felt sorry or regret for it. Unlike now: they really worth nothing.
The family, the good times, love life, fear of someone's dear death while I'm away. someone's illness, someone needs support ...all sound meaningless and disposable. I feel indifferent towards them & it means one thing
I'm not ok
&
I'm leaving
Monday, November 10, 2008
Leaps upI was shocked that I forgot how to post / blog when trying to do now and it took me time to find out how. was it that long !!!!
I really missed my blog and what ever is the reason of not blogging all that time,it's an amazing special one ,so don't ask. :D
I wonder regarding my leaping moves done throughout the last five years or so. Strikingly, there is no logic behind & may be that's why they're leaps.
Graduating with a 2nd rank,starting my M.A. as a logical sequence & for no reason dropped it cause I thought this is not what I want to do,missing academic post, joining development field, quitting & joining corporate life for 3 years, booming there,making a good name & a promising future, quitting and joining back development but from the first step on the ladder as being inexperienced. Obviously the 3 corporate years are countless here. To have a good start, a mixed package of a relevant M.A. and expereince is needed. It's time to do my masters... in which field!!!! I don't know.
The new field is not what I want,leading to a very smart n logical question: What You Really Want!!!
a smart answer: I don't know
So after 4 years,leaping and swinging between all diverse, strange and illogical paths,I still don't know what I want.
Sometimes I think : was it right to leap and leave all these options behind !!! How Could I excel in a study /job and blindly quit because of a mere thought It's not what I want. If a choice I excel and spark at is not what I want, so what it's exactly!!!
Was it right to quit M.A. after graduating , to quit private sector, to decline Washington fellowship, to be here now !!!
I wonder those friends who are consistently growing in a path they chose long ago and steadily progressing. we started together with parallel moves but definitely didn't reach same distance of success.
What is better : a zig zag leaping frog or a steady focused steps!!!
the same smart answer leaps up to my smart mind again : I don't Know.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Are you happy being a man?Why am I happy being a Girl?
- having all those amazing body care products with those wonderful smells and extracts and various types of conditioners, shampoos, creams, lotions, scrubs, etc
- love the complication of spoiling & treating myself using the above multiple products, spa, beauty/hair salons and fitness centers
- wearing colorful, sophisticated, detailed, sexy wears without being described as being gay
- girls' nights and gossips
- being loved, courted, taken care of, and chased instead of doing the first may-be- embarrassing first move.
- Having short or tall haircuts
- Having people grabbing chair, opening doors, carrying bags for me
- Using feminine weapons to get what I want :P
- Having a luxury of loving trivial and lovely stuff like teddy bears, candles or chocolates
- Being adored for loving such stuff
- Not using the bad curses guys use either in public or private
Why am I not?
- unable to go out at local cafes "2ahwa balady"
- being religiously sinful for showing my hair
- unable to have simple cool outings like just gathering at kiosk or "Nasya"
- not having a privilege of making first move in relations instead of silenced liking or criticized first move
- being sexually harassed "even by rude gaze, words"
- being harassed/criticized for putting a revealing or tight wear "unlike men"
tagged: Fadfadation; Kareem; Mak, Italiano, Juka; Sara;outlandish;Gilgamish , Eyewitness
Labels: gender talks; nonsense