Fly Me to the Moon,Let me Play among the Stars,taaatatata

It Can't be that Perfect I should have known

2011-03-28T16:01:00.002+02:00

I'm back... which means one thing ...I'm sad, lonely and need to vent out to my own comfort private spot: here. Yes I'm back because yesterday 27/3/2011, I broke up after 3 years and a half. I started hating March cause I also broke up with the one before this in March so any coincidence?? I can’t deny I’m still in a shock silent stage so may be I Can’t say more. But today I feel that is normal, I kept telling myself, why it seems like I have it all while my other friends don’t? I work at a fancy place, good package, lots of travels, talented in many areas, sociable and having friends, having warm supportive family, healthy and above all managed to have a perfect wonderfully made partner who is not only what I dream in a man, he is much much more than that. I felt I should envy myself and I always thought my friends don’t understand why I’m lucky cause those who were equal in work success don't have partners and those who have partners are average workers. why I combined both and more ? Then the 1st blow: my health got unstable - not as severe as other people Thank God – but still not like a normal sickness. I recovered and during my sickness, problems started in my relation till it ended now with break up. Now I realize this is justice, I can’t have it all, it can’t be that perfect, there should be a price, else, why successful colleagues are divorced or single? I can’t be successful and same time in love relation right? I don’t see any reason why not especially that my break up is not related at all with work-load or success related reasons. But the only link I see is the justice; I can’t take all shares of happiness. Though my priorities are health, family and loving partner and these are the only things I care for having and make me content, this doesn’t prevent the irony of life to take away two of them and give me what I really don’t want: work, and even this I’m not that star or pioneer, just a little trivial member in a big place but for my people, it is big something. What Can I say ? I wanted dearly to be healthy living with the one I love, and always willing to give away anything else whether I have it already or not. I was so content with those two and not caring for any other thing I have or don’t have. For me that was enough. But justice, God and some hidden forces seem to have other word. they reversed my wish list , took what I want and gave me what I careless for. To be continued as long as I’m alone, sad and broke up

Happy Lonely Birthday

2009-07-23T14:43:00.002+03:00

Dear Mama,

Happy Birthday. this year I'm celebrating your birthday alone since no one seems to remember it. I even tried hinting out to my sisters that I will go to visit you, but they did not react. or may be they remember but want to hide it.

In all cases, It is me here alone celebrating you. I wished there will be anyone around me telling me "Happy Birthday to your mama" but no one said it, not even him.

Am I crazy?

Does it make me crazy wanting them to remember yours ?
Does it make me mad celebrating it?

Does it make me crazy remembering and celebrating?

I Do not know what to bring you ? wanted to bring Rayhan but it doesn't grow now.I couldn't find it anywhere. Shall I bring you pink roses? but you only liked to drink it with tea.

Would visiting your favorite friends be a good gift for you ?

I do not know what to bring you.. I wish there would be anyone thinking with me

is it me who should ask them to? or should they remember and offer ?

Anyway, definitely you're happy at least I remember right? I know you are happy and love it.and you will be happier seeing me today. I know you will love it

are you proud of me?

Kol sana winty Tayeba , wish you a wonderful peaceful year ...My Best Friend and Mama..... Ever and after.

wisdom

2009-03-06T21:45:00.002+02:00

Thuraya Movie, why I Love that movie and why Elissa's Awakher EL Sheta Album reminds me all the time with it

Relationships are always complicated"commercial word"
when someone makes you cry more than laugh, conceerned than secured, You seriously need to consider the whole thing

good stuff, words, special treatment nice words, good words, carin words, special treatment sometimes torture

is it age, alternatives, clinging, trap, illusion or victimizing

two things at two hands are heavy , Can't you balance between both, can't master at any , One should fall

what matters most/ daily good or momentarily hurt?

When and why one can say they are desperate

what is it to be confident, strong , compassionate or considerate

two or one

be careful what you wish for ,, seems I'm damn fucking good in turning illusions into a walking scary reality ,,,man it works !!!!

why am I writing this

Holy God.. thought I will never need this again after 17th

pause

The Blissings of the Cruelty

2009-02-08T10:41:00.002+02:00

Sometimes it’s healthy to be tough, detached and a bit heartless. At least in my case.

I have that feeling recently that I was better off when I was totally detached, practical, and heartless and anti-relations. I mean this type of relations that starts greatly and breaks your heart eventually.

By breaking hearts, I Don’t necessarily mean a break up, but rather the way I handle related problems, issues and difficulties. May be I ‘ve to admit that after all that pretensions and coverage, I’m totally fragile and easily broken underneath. May be it’s my flaw.

Before, I was very tough and harsh, never allowed my heart to be affected or attached “rare cases and all ended in pain” but the general me was just like that: harsh and unapproachable. It worked fine with me.

Now I’m too attached, to an extent that freaks me out. This person I’m in love with took over my heart completely and that’s generally fine with me, actually I enjoy it EXCEPT when we fight. I see myself very weak now, not that delicate loved weakness, but for me it’s that panicking depressing one. The one that makes me totally scared out, afraid of losing him, tensed because we’re not fine, unable to live the rest of my life normally and I hate that. Realizing my being in that state made me hate it.

It’s my first time so I’m confused. Why loving a person could be that painful and breaking?

Why I should suffer and feel bad and all my life turns up side down because of my heart.

I realize now how I’m madly in love with him; this is nothing but crazy, deep and passionate love. It’s that type which I can’t live without, even can’t live when it’s slightly badly affected. It’s that type that makes me over the moon, happy in every aspect of my life when we’re happy, gloomy and hating my whole life when we are not fine.

It’s hard to tell whether it’s a bliss or a curse being in my state now, because obviously I’m on that gloomy side now. So all I see is how badly it affects my life being not ok together. I hate that.

I always thought our relation will be “different” as ironic as it sounds since I hear almost million couples have wished the same or believed in it one day. I thought our fights will be also lovely and civilized. But they’re not; they’re destructive, confusing, frustrating and shaking.

I’m totally freaking out now and longing for my old times when I was the master of my own life, when I was in a full control of my mood and happiness. Is it good to divide it into two, is it good to make a shared choice, even when it has to do with my happiness and good mood, is it healthy that my mood is governed now by US not me?

I’m not ungrateful because honestly the blissings of us being together are countless and now I know I don’t wanna live without him, I want to live with him and for him, but I’m freaked out by that effect over my life. Being me the master of myself.

I’m feeling terrified and scared

2008-11-15T09:48:00.002+02:00

Zaman, I was writing in all states of mind: sad or angry, happy or excited. But since I'm back , I just remember blogging when I'm not Ok.

It's how I started that blog anyway when I was sad. It all started like a weeping wall, then developed to encomapss all types of my contradictory mood.

I paused from writing for almost a year, was the reason I had someone in reality to share it all with me instead of the page. I can't admit - though it's a dumb online page- but was for me a real someone to whom I can talk and share, a need that needed to be fulfilled. Even if I didn't wait for people to comment - though- it was a pleaseant moment finding them doing. May be it makes me feel I'm more heard and more people care ( in a way) to know how I'm doing.

So why I stopped blogging!!! cause may be I found someone to talk to, So why Am I back to blogging now !!!

Regardless of the reasons, I feel ok I have it.

I will travel. no concrete plan for it so far, but It's a strong decision to leave. It's weird I have that wish again after all these years.I'm even terrified it's back, because the reasons behind it before were not pleasant at all. I wanted to travel before because of every not good thing I felt to escape from. So Why I want to do it again now !!!

Does it mean I'm back again !!!! does it mean they're back again!!!

I thought the older I get, the more responsible, mature, and stronger I will be in handling life. But see what happened! I grow impatient, depressed, fragile and gloomier as time passes by. I notice my self and get schoked of what kind of person I turned to be. It shocks me, and i feel terrified.

I decided once not to leave the country, declined a good opportunity, for all the hopeful thoughts in a future that will carry and fulfill all my long waited wishes. I always had the spirit of " Tomorrow is a better day, very soon this & that will change for the best, I will be able to do this & that" So I'm stayin to make them come true.

But here I'm, years after years, and sounds like it was all a mirage. Can't deny lots of my dreams come true as exactly I wanted them to. However, most of the vital ones didn't, and doesnt sound like they will any near or even far happen. Instead of having the old known optimism and persistence in pursuit. I decide to admit my surrender and let it go.

may be that is maturity, may be that's a good thing to let it go now instead of illusioned clinging to the impossible.

so nothing of them sound like coming true any near, and I'm tired so Iam leaving.

After aaaaaaaaaaaaaall these years, the old dream / wish was awakened again, coming out of its dusty lamp and roar again , haunting my mind " I must leave"

it's all about some steps & procedures to be soon enough there instead of here. & I already started. Still can't believe I think of it again, it was buried with all satisfaction & awareness of a decision, so how come it's strongly back!!

I feel sad it's back, cause it means one thing: Im not ok again

When I think of travelling: I m in a state of nothing really matters , all the valuable things in my life turn to meaningless figures to be left easily behind. All the good reasons for not travelling sound unimportant. Though they were stopping me from achieving a great dream of living abroad, but still they did worth it & never felt sorry or regret for it. Unlike now: they really worth nothing.

The family, the good times, love life, fear of someone's dear death while I'm away. someone's illness, someone needs support ...all sound meaningless and disposable. I feel indifferent towards them & it means one thing

I'm not ok

I'm leaving

Leaps up

2008-11-10T09:22:00.002+02:00

I was shocked that I forgot how to post / blog when trying to do now and it took me time to find out how. was it that long !!!!

I really missed my blog and what ever is the reason of not blogging all that time,it's an amazing special one ,so don't ask. :D

I wonder regarding my leaping moves done throughout the last five years or so. Strikingly, there is no logic behind & may be that's why they're leaps.

Graduating with a 2nd rank,starting my M.A. as a logical sequence & for no reason dropped it cause I thought this is not what I want to do,missing academic post, joining development field, quitting & joining corporate life for 3 years, booming there,making a good name & a promising future, quitting and joining back development but from the first step on the ladder as being inexperienced. Obviously the 3 corporate years are countless here. To have a good start, a mixed package of a relevant M.A. and expereince is needed. It's time to do my masters... in which field!!!! I don't know.

The new field is not what I want,leading to a very smart n logical question: What You Really Want!!!

a smart answer: I don't know

So after 4 years,leaping and swinging between all diverse, strange and illogical paths,I still don't know what I want.

Sometimes I think : was it right to leap and leave all these options behind !!! How Could I excel in a study /job and blindly quit because of a mere thought It's not what I want. If a choice I excel and spark at is not what I want, so what it's exactly!!!

Was it right to quit M.A. after graduating , to quit private sector, to decline Washington fellowship, to be here now !!!

I wonder those friends who are consistently growing in a path they chose long ago and steadily progressing. we started together with parallel moves but definitely didn't reach same distance of success.

What is better : a zig zag leaping frog or a steady focused steps!!!

the same smart answer leaps up to my smart mind again : I don't Know.

Are you happy being a man?

2007-12-19T02:44:00.000+02:00

Why am I happy being a Girl?
- having all those amazing body care products with those wonderful smells and extracts and various types of conditioners, shampoos, creams, lotions, scrubs, etc
- love the complication of spoiling & treating myself using the above multiple products, spa, beauty/hair salons and fitness centers
- wearing colorful, sophisticated, detailed, sexy wears without being described as being gay
- girls' nights and gossips
- being loved, courted, taken care of, and chased instead of doing the first may-be- embarrassing first move.
- Having short or tall haircuts
- Having people grabbing chair, opening doors, carrying bags for me
- Using feminine weapons to get what I want :P
- Having a luxury of loving trivial and lovely stuff like teddy bears, candles or chocolates
- Being adored for loving such stuff
- Not using the bad curses guys use either in public or private

Why am I not?

- unable to go out at local cafes "2ahwa balady"
- being religiously sinful for showing my hair
- unable to have simple cool outings like just gathering at kiosk or "Nasya"
- not having a privilege of making first move in relations instead of silenced liking or criticized first move
- being sexually harassed "even by rude gaze, words"
- being harassed/criticized for putting a revealing or tight wear "unlike men"

tagged: Fadfadation; Kareem; Mak, Italiano, Juka; Sara;outlandish;Gilgamish , Eyewitness

Che Guevara...Hasta Siempre

2007-12-14T23:38:00.000+02:00

Song lyrics | Comandante Che Guevara lyrics

Nathalie Cardone - Comandante Che Guevara lyrics | LyricsMode.com

Simpatica

2007-11-22T17:53:00.000+02:00

just put that song here " Are you the one" by Within Temptation. it's so lovely & reason behind my being here.

I got to be a poor blogger because of that new life style adapted.
First: Finally i started my long postponed dream of learning Spanish. i've been learning since two weeks ago but the dream's price is committing to a class 4 times a week for 3 hours. So basically my day starts at 7 a.m. at work till 5 p.m, then directly to Spanish course from 7 till 9:30 and back home.
three days only left for the rest of my life including personal, social and family. weekeend is scattred between sleeping, Yoga, Spinning, movies, family, shopping, outings & suddenly it's sunday again :(.

it's really hectic that sometimes i got totally exausted and bored but then the whole picture is so bright.

i got that Paulo Coelho's Zahir but after few pages, it's not as interesting as Alchemist is. no need to rush & should wait abit before the harsh judgement.

I think now: why in every tough situation, i got dumb , so overwhelmed by mysterious feelings which block me from discussing, or instant confronting. I always feel this till taking lot of time alone before start facing the person with why i'm hurt or feeling bad of his actions.

i observed this since two years & till now in every situation, it proves to be unchangeable characteristic of me. this makes every situation harder as I keep feeling bad for long time before venting finally. the other person also gets trapped to a silent phase where i'm not ok & I can't talk about it as well. I don't know but I got stuck at some strange place where words swallowed inside & i exert painful effort trying to get them out but no avail. Emotional overwhelming may be, but in all cases, it's not fine. I need to change this.

Bien Fin de semana ( have a good weekend) " sorry guys but I should practise ;)"

R

Tagged by Fad. Me and My Blog

2007-11-09T20:59:00.000+02:00

i was planning to post about my trip to 3in Sokhna, this conference on omosexuality Vs. Ibrahim El Fiky's concepts, but have to postpone this for Fadfadation's sake . here's the tag you asked for.thanks for the chance and interview :)

1- What is your Blog's name?
- Girl on a notebook

2- Why did you choose that name?

originally, it was called "Appreciate Diversity" since the main message was posts on diversities and differences as well as an ongoing call for appreciating this. Actually such a title always restricted me from writing on any personal feelings as i was supposed to talk about universal concepts & being selective in choosing what fits.

As a reaction, after being hacked, i started a new with a strong urge to write about me. this name fits the message here. It's inspired by "Nezar Kabany's" touching poem " Red Notebook" where the woman said:
فلن يجدوا سوى إمرأة مبعثرة على دفتر
it basically talks about supressed woman who runs to her notebook as the only place at which she cries openly and expresses her silenced feelings.
The blog for me as same as the red notbook to that woman , so I'm " a girl on a notebook".

3- What does your blog's photo represent to you (if any)?

i didn't upload a photo cause I don't know how (e77em e777em). However, the template photo is symbolic and main reason why i chose that template:

A- it's a girl with wings ( fairy butterfly). I'm know as being a social butterfly
B- She hids her head between her arms, just like me hiding all stuff i post here from my real world
C- She's crying alone hiding all her weaknesses & misery from the world around. I don't prefer showing mine too.
D- though she has wings to fly, but sitting weakly in a misery.
i can relate to all that

merci ya Fad for the simple interview, i liked it

all my left list of bloggers are tagged... see ya

R

She Moved on,, Should I?

2007-10-23T00:33:00.000+02:00

The Stand up against poverty event was great regardless of all logistic challenges. We broke last year world record eventually. The workshop was really impressive considering short timing, quick preparation and logistic issues. Enough to say two of the 4 facilitators just prepared and know about it one hour prior to the event and still they excelled. Thanks Ramy & Kareem for being such great supporters and it was a chance to discover couple of talented, kind and wonderful friends in you guys.

I got to know new interesting young people during the session and will meet them very soon as gathering and may be future projects.

Second day of event was my best friend's engagement & for her I reserve a whole separate post

My mobile is formatted due to virus and all data lost. The most valuable and important loss was the SMS's sent and received of the one I … forever and after. They were there though I wasn't checking them recently, but it always comforted me having them near. I never succeeded to decide deleting them as advised. The mobile Virus was like a divine decision to really "move on". It was hard for couple of days looking at empty folder, i cried but gradually I felt it's healthy and better. I couldn't do it before and it's ok since I wasn't ready for. Now it's easier, manageable loss and contained pain.

My sister's Ex is trying to get back. Few months ago I expected so & here it happened. That guy who accused her of being a liar by claiming heart sickness to maintain his love. He is back but after some months at which she managed to see the clear picture she couldn't before. She learned and knew many facts about him & herself that made her today able to strongly tell him " NO". the same girl who cried brokenhearted asking me to do all I can to convince him of returning back, who sounded like she will die after him, the same girl who kept following his news. This girl now ignored his calls, rejected his "facebook" request, replied by direct and strong"No" at his discreet request to be back into her life and care for her.

She wouldn't have dared to say that If we asked to few months ago. Now she did. It's all a matter of time, a time relative from one to another. We all reach that time, we all do what we have to do, but at different timings and the secret is not to push so hard or quickly.

The question now: with all those numbers of bloggers who experienced lost love or painful break up. If this One is back & decision is yours, will you accept your Ex to be the Now?

Ra3d

Stand Up for Poverty... Youth Think and Sing Against Poverty

2007-10-07T22:09:00.001+02:00

UN, Sponsored Vodafone will organize this year Stand Up Against Poverty Event on 17th October '07.
the Event constitutes of three parts:
- Sailing the Nile of 8 boats , each has one of the Millenium Development Goals (MDGs). Sailing will take off from Cairo visiting all Egypt
- Concert done by some bands (S.O.S)
- Workshops on poverty.

i knew about the event from UN asking me for contacts to gather as many people as possible, however, i suggested having workshops on poverty beside the concert & sailing so as to have a substance and concrte benefit for youth. They liked the idea and asked me to own it from A to Z.

Therefore, my sisters & I organized couple of workshops. They'll be mainly on:

1- case studies / projects done to combat poverty: it will be interactive one where youth are welcomed to present their projects to all attendees with the aim of motivation , sharing best practices and sucess stories
2- roootcauses of poverty & resulted problems

Interested?

read more about the event and/ or confirm attanding by contacting me through:

1- Facebook>>Events >> standup for poverty (UN)
Click here ( if you're a facebook member)

2- I've registered the event at Standup website, where you can read more about it & know how to contact me for it Click Here

it will be interesting issue to discuss , a full day with various activities. Hope you can make it guys

ra3d

Stand Up for Poverty

2007-10-07T22:09:00.000+02:00

Stand

If I were a Gardener

2007-09-28T00:31:00.000+02:00

Alone, standing out of office premises to reconsider these things happening around me, I needed to stand alone at this place looking at the far horizon and trying to figure out where I'm now.

Standing just same like the heroine in Girl with a Pearl Earrings, whenever she faces a situation at which a decision should be made, a direction should be chosen, she used to go to that street with a sign pointing at 3 directions. She needs to choose one and I needed too. Garden was green and water tubes working to refresh it. Water and green always gave me peaceful state, they make me feel & think well & that's exactly what I need now. I always dream of working as a Gardner.

The tree in the middle of the garden acts like the sign, with branches extending at 3 directions, I kept looking at the far horizon and back to the tree, trying to find were I am and should be. I'd this frowning silent face reflecting all the troubles inside: current problems at work, I'm not happy at my post recently because of the management style, I think of quitting that promising post and be back to old one due to this problems, fear of failure, wrong choices, wasted effort and dirty games. I want to join that new booming project but my manager didn't let me in. Thinking of other options and posts, it's time to move now because things are not going well; still I didn't get the experience and learning desired from that post. I will regret this one day comparing myself to others who got the best of this & learned better.

Among all this stream of thoughts, I noticed him: a young man at his 20's, wearing humble cloth with a wide hat. He was opening more water tubes to water trees and grass, collecting garbage from garden and cutting grass. He is the gardener. The weather is fine today but what about those hot days at which he has to work under heated sun while I work in the air-conditioned places and complaining about increasing it one more degree. I thought he is more miserable at his job than me

Watching him, he opened the tube, and then sat under a shaded tree, getting something out of the jacket's pocket, opening and start reading. It's the Holy Qur'an he is reciting now, under a shaded tree, with his humble, young but solemn look, he's reciting with complete respect, focus and above all CONTENT. In his posture, I felt the serenity and solitude surrounding. He's in a state of ultimate satisfaction, content and solitude.

I look at him, wondering the peace surrounding him, he's nothing less than happy, and he found his way to be happy and content. Looking at him under the shaded tree, everything else looked small & insignificant. All my worries and problems sound insignificant. I'm loaded with so much trivial things while the way to happiness is much easier and simpler. This gardener found it. I looked at him longer; I got the lesson, turned back to my office, but as a different person.

serenity for all
Ra3d

Why Am I Happy?

2007-09-17T20:19:00.000+02:00

-Because after more than 9 years, I finally have a warm relation with my dad, although I waited and longed deeply for that many years ago, but I don’t feel it's too late. I'm grateful that God eventually accepted my crying prayers to be nice with my father before he dies. I prayed a lot but nothing changed till I became too desperate, gave up any hope to have this & just lived my life as is. However, just a month ago, everything changed. I can't figure out was it me or him who started but all I'm sure of is my dad is doing the best he can to be close, nice & supportive for all of us. This time it was smooth, none of us resisted his moves, actually my sisters and I welcomed it all & totally happy & secure about it. I finally have this father-daughter relation I longed for through my old posts, I finally have this father I dreamt of. I won't feel bad if one of us just died now without knowing how the other loves him truly, because now I know that …..we both do. This new phase made me more confident and backed up in life. I love you dad.

- Because I used to have intimate friend for 2 years & we lost connection since 2004. Just two days ago we're back again. She's the only one with whom I can talk about my darkest spots & weaknesses. I was so relieved that we still have this ability to talk and share, we still have this profound love regardless of the disconnection years, we changed a lot, with her new life conditions having a cute baby boy & me as what I'm now, but we are the same at the core, same little girls who used to dream & grief together. I'm Happy that you're back in my life: Mariam.

This Ramadan is different. I'm too tired & can't work while fasting. My sisters laugh at me saying as if it's my first year fasting.this is because of the horrible shape I'm in since its beginning. I'm totally out of energy, patience, and mood. I feel so weak and unable to work or communicate properly with continuous tendency to sleep. I guess it's that damn coffee, ouch, I guess I'm addict. I hate this. Seriously, I have to solve this coffee addict thing after Ramadan. I hate to be such a slave for caffeine

The female manager complained about me to my direct managers, I didn't know what she said because none of them talked with me about it (I knew from my favorite manager). I can't imagine her saying: "you should make this girl back off because she is close to the man I'm hitting on, I'm crazy about a married man & I want him just for me, so kick R out". Loool this sounds too lame & desperate.

Two days after this, the director nominated me for a mission to be Egypt's ambassador of a project owned by the head quarter at U.K. Today, my manager informed me I'm headhunted for two grades increase post at the international department. He said they have good impression about me & wants me by name. I refused the post because it doesn’t go along with my career objective while accepting the other ambassador post.

Still, I'm more than flattered for the nomination concept, I'm blessed to have these opportunities at same time this witch manager is attacking me every where & trying to defame my image, it's kinda practical slap on her evil face, as if the company & her directors telling her " you lose beuatiful". sorry but i've the right to celebrate this now.

I want to get some new stuff but can't prioritize, can any one help me with prioritizing:
- I- Pod ( any suggestion for brand & memory)
- New watch
- New sun glasses
- New perfumes
- Pearl/ precious stone pendant

Ramadan Habib ;)

Ra3d

Sick unmarried mind

2007-09-08T12:19:00.000+02:00

Here is my dilemma:
My favorite manager applied for a senior managerial position. This needs the support of his seniors in terms of orienting him on case studies, researches and assessment training.

Unfortunately, he rested for the support of his direct manager because she used to support him before in everything so there was no need for any other networking. Besides, his current job did not mainly need lots of communication. This made his manager the only reliable source for assistance when needed.

His female manager is in love with him, not a true love but as he concludes a possessive one. She just considers him his possession and no other female are allowed to get closer. He should only be hers and any other girl should step away. This makes sense for me because that is the way she reacts towards every attractive man happens to work with her. I hate weak/ corrupted women in power. We have many examples at work. I just hate them

I’ve two weeks assignment that started last week while his interview will be also next week. We had that special relation that makes me spend lots of time with him. I go to his office at which she also stays a lot and we have long talks. Even his colleagues feel nice when I’m around and start lots of conversations with me. that irritates her badly to the extent she complaints about it openly before all her team and threatens him in case I continue spending this time with him. He ignored her threats and as a result she started treating him in a very rude and tough way. She asks him about everything at work to corner him; she talks with him rudely and then expects him to give in. knowing him, he didn’t give a damn shit and acted stubbornly though he really needs her help. His dignity refuses to act timidly and seeks her help while she acts that rude.

She expressed before everyone now that she hates how many girls approach him & this opened the door for all his team to talk/joke about his personal stuff. I wonder how stupid she acts by destroying her own image along with him, me & every other girl. She opened the door for all the dirty talks about us & I don’t know what to do towards that. I can’t talk with her since she deals with me normally while making the whole dirty scene behind my back.

Now I feel guilty that my existence/relation with him might ruin his career. She turns her back to him because of seeing me that intimate with him. I know she hates the whole thing about our friendship but it was always not damaging for him. It was only mere bad talks, a topic she laughs about before others. But now, she treats him badly, waiting him to push me away while he knows he is doing nothing wrong, insisting on his way & reluctant to seek her support in his interview.

I hate myself for this, I don’t want to be obstacle in his career, I know he wants to get promoted & he really deserves it. I know he deeply wants to pass this interview and get the post. But he doesn’t have any support from anyone; even the one supposed to help is ill-treating him now because of me. It was a mistake not to have other alternatives but this is not time for this. I want him to pass because I know if he did, he will get rid of this witch’s possession, have a better role and get exposed to a more advanced work. However, it sounds to be a dream considering the current situation now. I should’ve played it smart till he gets away from her; I shouldn’t have irritated her that way. I feel it’s too late for any reforming now but decided- during next week- I won’t stay with him at all, I will keep myself busy all time and even spend all my breaks with other friends. I have to avoid irritating her, may be she will feel better not seeing me with him & start being back to normal. I hope it’s not late for him to reconcile with her and win her support during that critical time. I feel I was stupid and selfish just enjoying his company without caring about the damage caused. I should have backed ff with the first aggressive act because he will be the only loser. I hate being of any bad effect in his life & here I’m. I know he’s in a very bad situation because he likes my company and won’t choose to get away from me, I know he’s too decent to ask me to stay away. I know he’s too strong & dignified to let her manipulate or control his life that way but I should have been more considerate and smart.

I hope I can be strong & smart enough this week & hope it’s not too late for correction.
I hate how can sick and wicked women control and ruin people’s life because of their bitchy desires. I hate how such a nothing affects the life of a successful person, I hate how people have to be hypocrite and accept her sick acts, laugh at her dirty talks, and agree on her complicated acts just because she is their manager.
.......And they call for equality and claim they are competent, heck

Ra3d

Ben Ghazi, final

2007-08-30T10:56:00.000+03:00

Day three:
So was the first day of conference and started two hours late. All speeches were almost thanking each & every person for the great effort they exerted to make such an amazing conference “don’t know how they can judge before start”. Naturally, at the top of the thanking list is the “Son”. First day ended with all these lousy talks & thanking. Most of speakers were:

1- thanking
2- attacking western colonalization of Arab countries which led to the current disaster & ironically stressing that the west must be responsible enough & correct their mistakes. “ as if we should just sit doing nothing & letting west reforming their old mistakes
3- glorifying the Libyan leader & emphasizing what a role model he is

I wanted to have a speech but after listening to all these nonsense, I backed off & realized it’s useless here. I will be totally out of the thanking, slapping west or glorifying leaders’ context so I decided to keep my manners.

I couldn’t bear this anymore so the Danish delegation, I & a Libyan organizer who was responsible for us took us out for lunch, we’d a tasty lunch at a local restaurant & we had that wonderful traditional tuna, cheese, & vegetables baked bread with mango juice for L.E.24. we than went to the beach sitting to drink tea & shisha.

In the last session, there was that Maltese guy who talked with me & suggested going to the open café at the hotel. We went there & it was awesome sitting by lake view & having a very interesting discussion with that guy among others. He told me about the commonality between Arabic & Maltese language as it has many Arabic words. I told him how I’m very bad in geography & he advised how I can improve. Actually it was the only interesting thing happened that day. I also had a nice discussion with Bahraini group and this Romanian guy who insisted on smoking Shisha though it felt so terrible for him. That was so funny & he just left after having that severe headache.

Day four: was exceptionally useful. The Maltese guy representing UN had a fruitful speech on methods of cooperation with international organizations, the Brazilian & Argentines guys also had true honest & motivating suggestions for development, and Polish also added so much regarding the role youth can have to improve their society. Hearing that, I gained motivation to give my speech since now we have a serious talk. I talked but actually the chair man totally disliked my speech. He commented that I should be on point, focusing on the main theme of the conference and saying valid stuff. I actually felt so flattered hearing that because if he thinks I don’t go along with the mainstream of their talks , this means I’m making sense to what I believe in. I was laughing while the chair man coaching me & didn’t feel offended at all, in fact I was amused. After the session, I found the polish, Indian, Nigerian, Bahraini & Latino delegations introducing themselves to me, handing their business cards and expressing how they agree on what I said while calling for future cooperation & partnership with my work here. My Maltese friend clarified why the chair didn’t like my speech & I think he’s right:

1- I belong to the World Bank network, an institute with a totally bad image in their country.
2- I called for cooperation between NGOs and private sector as a new method for community development instead of always relying on government & public sector. Imagine saying this in a communist place
3- I stressed I won’t thank any one, except the young Libyan people who are really willing to improve & develop their country. (Off point ha!)

my Maltese friend again told me "Never feel afraid to be different" especially if you ask people to be the chaneg instead of waiting it to happen for them.

They announced a coming youth festival in Uganda. I’m thinking of attending but really concerned about infections. We will see

I skipped the closing session since I know it will be another chain of thank yous, instead went for shopping. The amazing Libyan guy was my guide all through taking me everywhere I want, I just name what I want to buy, he calls someone, takes me somewhere I can get the best of what I wanted. I made wonderful shopping especially of brand beauty & body products along with this Italian olive oil that tasted totally fabulous . We concluded by having fabulous dinner in a cozy Turkish restaurant. I never tasted such a Shawerma before, even in Turkey itself. I still miss this Shawerma & grape juice.
Back to the hotel, we took the Danish group & went to the beach café to drink Mango & they smoke Shisha.

I flew just next day morning with the Polish on same plane to Cairo. I’d again wonderful time chatting with them & all those cute photos we had.

My dad was right about everything. The country is 1 & half bigger than Egypt in space with only 5 millions population. Streets are so wide & full with the latest best cars. The traditional food is cool being influenced by the Italians especially in their well made pasta, tuna & drinks. The weather is just like Egypt, things are cheaper compared to here, people are so kind, simple, helpful & they loved me so much that every where I found people willing to help me. I never had a difficulty doing anything since always there’s someone there for me. My Danish friend told me “I love watching you asking people for something & seeing around 5 people rushing everywhere to serve you” I thought that I’m bossy but he told me they love serving you with this smile & friendly way you wear.

This trip was one of the best, I get to know many interesting friends, and I’d great time talking with diverse people about movies, politics, and life styles. I’d a royal week with so many friends and nice time, I knew about the misery generated from a mentality of another Arab country & I realized how they should hardly work to improve their current status. However, I’m also so optimistic about the future of this country; it has so many natural resources, wide space, dedicated young people & amazing natural location. This makes me hopeful about Libya after 10 years, only if the management & mentality of people decided to.

Ra333d

VIP for a week : Ben Ghazi: part I

2007-08-25T01:58:00.000+03:00

So I was in Ben Ghazi, Libya attending international youth forum. Getting the invitation, I was a bit disappointed telling my sisters “what will I do in Benghazi? As if I’m going to buy colored T.V. or ceiling fan. However, this trip turned to be one of the best I’ve had, except for the first day.

Day one: Shocking guys
Reached Ben Ghazi, one of the organizers was at my reception, he took me to the VIP lounge to wait till he meets the rest of guests. To go to the hotel, I found a driver opening the door of the Mercedes C class for me & that actually was wooow.

Since the conference will start next day, I decided to wander around the city & see how it looks. My father used to work there as expert in constructing electricity and water filtering stations. He was so excited about me going there as if I will be his incarnation. Honestly he likes Libya & has so many wonderful memories there, he lived in each single city there starting Tri Buli, Ben ghazi, Susa, etc. my dad told me about all the things I will see there, tips about people, do and don’ts, the food, weather, shopping & all. I visualized the city before even being there & thanks to my dad’s tips. Thanks to his tips that helped me avoid lots of troubles.

So I waited outside the hotel for a cab but found many private cars stopping with guys offering me a ride and flirting, even when I walk away , they proceed & stop again. I was terribly scared as it’s the first time to face such situation abroad. Finally found a cab who drove me around the city but all shops were closed. He told me that the whole city closes from 1 to 6 p.m. and reopens after that. I didn’t find even an opened café or restaurant so he drove me back to hotel. I found this organizer asking me rudely to be his girlfriend, then he asked if I like “WE” have lunch at my room instead of the restaurant. I won’t mention how my response was but enough to say it made him avoid even existing at same place I do till last day. I was so pissed off at this guy treatment , I was so scared from those guys outside & accordingly I locked myself at my room just watching movies, feeling so scared, humiliated & insecure that I called a friend here & kept crying for two hours. He managed to comfort m & assure me that everything is ok, I’m in control & he told me what to do if this occurs again. I’m speechless to his caring.

Day Two: Royal Treat
Next day I made some sight seeing in the morning & then have to get ready for the grand party at which the son of the president “Seif El Islam El Kazzafy” will deliver a speech & some celebrities will sing such as Hamid El Shaery, Razan & Diana Cruzon. Another Mercedes drove me to the party where I sat at the front seats of VIP with ministers, diplomats and members of royal family’s from various countries.

I’ve to admit that the son of Moaamar El Kazzafy is very popular there & has high charisma & appeal to people there. That was very clear in the warm reception he had with continuous greetings to the extent he had to pause from talking till they calm down. People there especially youth like him so much because of the many projects & initiatives he does for people. It’s very clear that part of his charisma generates from the modesty & down to earth way of dealing with them. I guess this paves the way for guessing who’s next to rule.

Coming to the father: the way people talk about him, say his name, how they have thousand songs about him & his achievements just remind me of the past president Gamal Abdel Nasser. They consider him the savior & protector. We spent a whole hour just watching clips about him, his meetings with other leaders & his own people. They kinda worship him.
We left the party after the son speech because we were invited to the official dinner with his highness as an opportunity to talk with him & for him to have some discussion with the international guests who came to attend his annual conference with the Libyan youth.

The thing that confuses me till now is why people there always thought I’m either a cabin crew or a famous celebrity. People at the hotel or restaurants, room service, sellers, army & security all kept on asking me “will you sing in the concert of Seif El Eslam? Are you a cabin crew? Even when entering the concert surrounded by ushers, security thought I’m there to sing, they saluted me as the Egyptian celebrity & hoped they will hear wonderful songs today. I just kept smiling & simply saying “I’m just a guest / delegate at the conference”. Well, it’s really cool to feel VIP & be treated as such.

To be continued
Ra3d

Fly me to.....

2007-08-17T21:06:00.000+03:00

I will disappear again for few weeks as I will be outside Egypt. Floor is open for guessing & I bet no body will make it to the right place ;D

Spa/pampering Guests
Let’s welcome my latest cute guest: yoga that entered my life back again a week ago. It’s been absent for two years now & I really missed it. Its existence now does make a wonderful difference in my psychological & spiritual life. The trainer is Indian which makes it perfect.
Second guests are the steaming room, sauna, massage & reading by the pool while having tan. Again I missed pampering myself & now I’m back with a heavy weekly schedule for all those activities.

Woooow, actually I need other 24 hours plus to my day. It can’t bear all those things I’m doing now but still I manage to divide & mix so as eventually I handle all.

During this lifestyle, I’m winning lots of friends daily & they’re really interesting & cool. This brings other intensive activity: outingsssssssssssss.

Anyway, my flight is Sunday morning & didn’t pack anything. Gotta go. Promise to give more details and photos of my journey when I’m back inshallah

N.B.: last call on Passenger Italiano.....i missed your posts, any chance to reading something before i fly ?:D
R

i join Fadfadation, Mak & Italiano

2007-08-09T23:03:00.000+03:00

Don’t misunderstand me; I joined them, not in the Arashanation famous club but the lazy bloggers’ league. I have not written for long time like them, but like or unlike them, it’s due to my being very busy with a heated & wonderful life style recently. I even blog now while riding to sa7el for the weekend & my friends are hitting me for using lap top now.

Anyways, life is as awesome as I want it to be.

personally: with the current workout plan, i got a satisfactory noticed shaped & fit body, add to this the new short haircut & tanned skin, i can confidently brag about the cute look. i just love the shaped tanned & cute look i wear now & i love people's positive commnet on it.

Work: I got promoted for a better title and actually moved from being a team a member to managing a small team needed to perform my new tasks. My work style & missions are really interesting, it involves various focus groups, meetings, tests, presentations with stakeholders of all company’s departments. I can say I have now connection everywhere, especially with the high board.

At work, I had a great work environment as I now leave my desk and go work in the “social/casual areas”, at which, many people pass by & stop to say hi, bringing other new people to whom I get introduced. I can say that through out the last month, I meet a new person every day & this brings along very interesting talks.

Social life: I’m spending all days at outings with new people, college buddies, activities-related friends & work buddies.There is also the amazing shopping, many invitations to birthdays, weddings & engagement parties & traveling to sa7el, 3in sokhna, Sharm el Shikh & soon to Spain.

Some personal activities joined my life: as an active member at Gym, I’m mixing 3 times a week between aerobics, abs, going to pool, and very soon Yoga. Moreover, I will start Spanish course in September.

Life can’t be any more perfect, I’m enjoying it, and I’m feeling great & confident. This is even reflected in my personality. I’ve changed a lot now to the real me, I now feel I’m myself, the person I love to be & feel comfortable at my skin. I’m more confident, open,, cheerful & sparking. I don’t have time to feel bad or regret, I just enjoy & live through
This is the life I love, this is the person I love.

Will catch up with you soon, can't promise :)
Ra333d

Kabbar the 3 B's

2007-07-22T19:21:00.001+03:00

Have pregnant women got nuts in this country?

I noticed that in every department there are at least 1 or 2 women pregnant now? Is there any relation between summer and pregnancy? Is the unbearable heat & climate which lead women to take off as much cloth as they can resulted in this population crisis?. Oh
My God!! How this country will bear any more kids? In every department there is a pregnant woman and this scares me.

Then, they are too offensive, seems there is a shitty fashion for pregnant women: very tight tops made of revealing transparent material paired with low waist pants. Even the material of the tops is very stretch in a way describing each single detail of their body as if they’re naked. You can imagine the image of those pregnant women with every part of their body bigger & bigger wearing very tight and revealing clothes. They’re even walking in a way as if they enjoy their exploding looks and brag about those big disgusting parts. There is no difference between veiled or unveiled here. All are dressed tight, revealing and transparent. For god sake this contradicts totally with the veil concept. May be I’m deteriorated but pregnant women are ok in pregnancy wear. Why they’re dressed as teen girls in those revealing tight look? Why they brag about their very big offensive and disgusting bellies, B**** and B***? Why are they so proud of the 3 B’s? I want to vomit.

Another issue:

Fuck NSGB, the worst bank ever. Let me warn you: in case one day I was your customer, you Must treat me as wonderful as you can, otherwise, you will suffer from the word of my mouth. When I experience any less than perfect customer service, I don’t stop complaining and telling every one I meet about it. I know I know I’m a hard customer but this is the case of any ex-customer service person. Simply because I know what should and shouldn’t be done and accordingly it’s hard to fool someone who knows perfectly her rights.

NSGB gives me hell time. I will change to HSBC but have to wait till account changes on August. Therefore I’ve to bear other 10 days of such an idiot banking system.

Me: (8 p.m. at city stars): I need to know if I still have balance or no because ATM announces no enough credit
Customer service: sorry Miss, we don’t have system privilege to tell you, try another machine or do visit your account branch (OMG).
Me: my visa is lost and requested new one, can I take it from my nearest branch instead of the account branch at Zamalek?
CS: call Zamalek branch to request it
Me: I’m calling it since 5 days non stop and after choosing all options; they transfer me back to the main menu or call drops.
C.S.: try again, no problem at the phone contacts
Me: I say I try since 5 days
C.S.: sorry but this is your only option.
Me: now, I don’t have visa to withdraw my money, I’ve to contact the bank and it doesn’t answer me & it’s not logic to spend all my days just calling your distinguished branch. Can you tell me what to do??
C.S: actually you have to keep calling the bank. Nothing else we can do.

No need to mention what I said, how I insulted each stupid and cold-blooded C.S agents replying me in the 10000 times I called & how I escalated to talk with a manager. Finally this manager will contact the bank and request delivering my visa to the branch I requested, Just on exceptional basis as a favor for such a nagging and shrew customer like me. I wonder how the ordinary basic services turn to be a favor.

I’m pissed off from that service but I relieved my tension by bursting out and expressing all I wanted, I told them how their service is terrible, and how they’re losing customers consequently. If this is the way they treat large corporate accounts like us, what’s the case with the individuals?
So to hell with such a fucking bank and hope HSBC will be a better experience.

btw: i'm happy and relaxed.thanks for asking ;)
Ra3d

He is baaaaaaaaaaaack

2007-07-17T13:04:00.000+03:00

My director who was injured in a road accident causing amputation of his left leg is back again to Egypt and will continue working with our country office. My happiness the moment I saw him is indescribable. He’s a great fighter who strongly decided to be back again to the same place of the painful accident, work with the same people who used to see the marines guy walking actively with a T-shirt in the winter and riding motorcycle. they will see him now with a walking stick till getting more in tune with the artificial leg , lost so much weight. He’s a warrior but regardless of all this, I can feel he’s sort of broken inside, embarrassed or hurt from any piteous look. He’s a broken fighter, he changed.But I'm glad he's back.

I’ve a new short hair cut which people say fits me perfectly, even nicer than my old favorite long one. I’m happy with its practicality and cuteness.

Some new role and broad responsibilities added to me at work. I’m thrilled as usual with any new thing. I noticed I always feel happy with anything no matter what at the start, for the mere fact it’s new and sort of change, not necessarily because I love it. I hope this time it’s both.

Things are getting a bit intense with my favorite manager, no details allowed but it’s different now. I’m happy and afraid at the same time.

See you later
R.

Same Shit

2007-07-02T00:10:00.000+03:00

what the hell i did today ? again,, i let a chance i was dreaming of just go with doing absolutely nothing.
this decent guy at work who kept starring at me for awhile"old post", now after i started getting interested. Today i was at a concert where i met my work buddies & guess what!! he was with them at the concert. I made the calmest appearance & just sat beside my manager, then another moment i dreamt of came: a break which i always thought all the miracles will happen at, i thought in the break i will make up for the clam sitting,he left immediatel, my manager joined & i could have also joined but the childish shy me just kept pressing my mobile keypad calling each and everyone, then decided to go out of hall for better newtork when i suddenly say him just standing in my face chatting with a friend inside the hall, i didn't stop, i just said a very fast & formal hi while moving forward (Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit), i could have stopped for a warm greeting and come up with what ever damn talk that even the idiots can find , kind of " hey, how you find it? is it ur first time? coz it's my first, so is it cool?" any sort of such causal talk that opens a chance for talk but i just decided to scape away. outside, again i found him coming out without stopping to stand with me and just moved to join others.

the 2nd part of the concert started and we had 3 friends sitting between us. we didn't talk again, i could have found anything to say but i was too afraid and shy to do any mistake or be misunderstood. God why i don't have courage as my friend G. who knows how to grab attention?

the concert ended. He and all our friends were standing together chatting about it, i stood for exactly 2 minutes then said goodbye & rushing in home as if i'm hiding or escaping from someone, it's exactly what i felt. I was escaping for unknown reason but i really felt like i need to escape.

i could have stayed some minutes to talk about any common thing farther than the "hi, how u doing" fast daily words at work. the guy sounds interesting and decent through the two short times we talked for business. i don't say i like him but he's intersting and worth to try out. but i can't , i want to give it a chance and see if it will be good or not but i even can't

i don't know why i become that girl? it's very weird how i behave recently with guys, with so muc reservation, shyness, low confidence and fear.
i always think of a perfect scenario if only we met & when we meet, i fall comletely dumb and silent like today. i could have done anything.

the guy gives those mixed signals that keep me waver between he's interested or just decent. but i don't blame him as i also don't feel that much for him. i believe things would have become more clear and specific if we just come to know each other much deeper. may be i found him really great or just nothing. however, i can't let this happen.

i feel so stupid from what i did today. it just puts me face to face with a hoorible reality i discovered about myself. i can't believe i was that cold, afraid & shy girl with zero slef confidence.

i know i easily start a convo with guys i feel nothing special for them. I can easily make so much new friendships out of similar situations like today. but i always can't do when it's related to someone to whom i feel something . everytime i tell myself" please act normal as you do with any other guy, just be yourself," but i never do, i always behave totally not me & this is unfair. it's unfair as it doesnt give the right image about me. i'm positive he owuld think either i'm a snob or committed , or worse a very shy isolated loner.

i felt so insecure and detached today, may be i needed that fence of close friends around to give me the comfort and confidence i need. Those at concert were my manager's freinds with who i've a very minimal level of dealing so i felt starnger and conscious about each step. may be i needed my friends but again this contradicts with my idea of myself as a girl who is able to manage her own business well. i'm nott supposed to be always backed up with people, why i can't handle single situations as i think, why i can't do what my fantasy enables me to in my dreamy world?

im too insecure and afraid, and i hate my fear, uncertainity and shyness.

N.B: the concert was just amazing
R

Back to Life

2007-06-28T22:09:00.001+03:00

Okay, im still alive as you see, but was drowned in a strange feeling of not blogging.

I think people don’t blog because they found better alternative in real life, something that really takes their time and thinking better than blogging (does this mean bloggers are psycho loners?)
Or may be they’ don't coz they're miserably involved in everyday struggles, career establishment and all this shit so they don’t have time to blog, or may be they jus have something that they can’t share with people who by time become acquaintance, even if being psycho.

Any way, for whatever reason on earth I disappeared, and for another what ever reason on earth here I’m back.
Please you all welcome me the new active member in Gold’s Gym. It’s the only side activity I recently do & that’s why im so excited and happy about it as the only thing I do for my own pleasure, just for me with no business need or career shit. I do it just keda.

Ok, in the fitness test, I was proved to have low fitness, underweight, average fats with only one extra step to be risky (though being underweight), with very week abs muscles. To conclude, I felt like a miserable weak smoker on her 60s (though being unsmoker). Therefore, a serious and long term exercise is decided. Two weeks passed since started and every day I feel really better especially with a fitness program that includes shaping & tuning, aerobics, fat loss and overall workout. it even positively affected my nutrition regime for being fully careful in choosing what & when to eat. I love it so far.

As usual, work is fine and I got again exceptional grade in my final appraisal. It means also a remarkably high profit share and merit increase. some big cash on the way,Who cares!

My youngest sister birthday was on 24th June and we treated her wonderful enough by having the hottest ever Brad Pitt and George Clooney on her B-day….just by taking her out for watching Ocean13 :), having Burger King on lunch, then Cinnabon and a Vogue cat shape sun glasses as a present. My consciousness is satisfied by finally doing nice gesture to a family.

It has been a year and a half since I was emotionally connected to someone and here I’m now, totally longing for some sharing, emotional connection and some special care. May be this year and half was too long, I just can’t live without loving and being loved. Sometimes I think I will not love someone else because one day we will be reunited again, I can’t love someone else because I will only love that someone till forever and after. May be I’m just a pathetic lame as being described, but it’s just I tried all I can to consider it over but.... why all this time passed without feeling the same to someone else?

Recently, I feel this huge vacuum in my life regardless of all work load and hectic outings. The vacuum is just inside me in this very little place only one person could conquer, appreciate and understand. I just miss being loved & cared for. Till when this lasts? I have no clue

N.B.: I usually don’t blog in kinda daily incidents as I did above, but I guess the long absence needs a special treat as if what happened during it is important :)

I Just feel identified and attached to the Picture

2007-06-18T14:24:00.000+03:00

Mixed signals, mixed acts , & here I'm,,No Where!!!

2007-06-03T21:42:00.000+03:00

I’m too overwhelmed by depressing ideas about poor people in Egypt, strange & tough conditions that I want to write about but decided to write about something lighter for the sake of change and also not to over dose the gloomy writings in here. I guess every one has his own gloom and I’m not supposed to be a bonus.

So just a break……

Okay!! All guys I meet now are so not strightforward and mysterious. I don’t know what is wrong, is there something wrong with me or it’s just the people I meet.
Enough with general talks,, here’s the case:

- there’s that guy, a close friend to my manager and went out few times with us, he never grabbed my attention and we never exchange any talks except for shaking hands and greeting at the outings. However, when I was seeing him at work, I never found a reason to say hi, I never felt there’s that even minimal level of relation to stop while passing by and greet, at the end he’s my friend manager who joins outings for him & only talks with him. I was so embarrassed to say a word till….i noticed he keeps a fixed eye always on me whenever i pass. I noticed that whenever I’m passing silently, he looks me in the eyes, but this never motivated me to start greeting, on the contrary, I was freaked out feeling so much self conscious about talking to a guy who looks me in the eyes for a long time that makes it very obvious. Only when he started this starring, I started reconsidering the guy and asked my favorite manager who happened to work with him before. He told me may be it's one of two:

- he’s interested
- he just can’t take the fact there’s a girl who resists his “charm”. Simply because he used to be a center of attention all the time and girls always applaud his looks, fitness, style, humor, etc.

so my favorite manager just asked me not to think highly of it. I couldn’t do anything but ignore his looks and just pass without a word till few days ago. He stopped looking at me, no he actually avoids me by every possible means, whenever I enter a place, he leaves it quickly, he always turns his back to me while standing at the break areas, the same guy who used to sit just in front of my table starring at me now walks away. I thought may be I’m imagining, but one day I was with my favorite manager in the smoking area when this guy passed greeting my manager from far without approaching though they're good friends and meet rarely. My manager commented that there’s something strange with him as he used always to come and talk with him since they seldom meet. He told me he was so nervous & tensed turning his face away so fastly fearing i may look at him. my manager confirmed he did this to avoid meeting me & it's very obvious.
Okay, may be I was so harsh & rude to the guy, so I decided to fix things & in the first occasion followed, I stopped and told him “ hi , how you doing?”, he was astonished but replied friendly with a smile, I repeated it one more time and he was normal & i expected a new phase. But, after that he keeps on ignoring me though he got many chances to talk or say hi and he just turns his face the other side away. Many times, he just comes to my colleague sitting beside me, or passes by but still ignores. I don’t know what’s wrong or the reason for the change. Even if I was rude in the beginning, I made a corrective move. Now I regret that move because it hurts when he ignores now, it makes me puzzled more than hurt. Why he is doing this? Why he doesn’t go just straight and talks if he has something to say or totally ignores me if he doesn’t care? Why he started starring at me, then ignore, then when I responded, he ignores more. At least in the beginning even if he ignored, I was totally neutral, but now, I responded and here I’m just puzzled.

- There’s another guy with whom I’d lots of business crash, he used to mock my strong headed and aggressive attitude and, then he showed some interest by digging into some personal info about me. When I tried to be nice, he then returned to the snobbish attitude. I decided to be cold and just formal. Doing this, I found him trying to be as nice as possible and again talking personal with so much care. In fact, I don’t feel comfortable getting back again to nice way so I kept the formal way to guarantee no misuse like last time. Now, he is not nice and he’s not rude like before, he’s just formal like me. I wonder if I did the right or wrong thing. I feare being nice when he is in order not to hurt me like what he did befor. it worked fine with him, but now I’m afraid may be he wanted to establish some friendly relation but now he was turned off finding no response from me. He led me to the pretending behavior because he misused me when I was myself, he mocked & gave me hard time by questioning all my acts to see what I did wrong. I say if he was just straight; if he wants nice relation, why doesn’t he just be nice and if he wants to be formal just to be, why the mixed signals again?.

- Someone may think I’m fantasizing about people dealing with me. But this is not me. Personally I never think a guy is interested in me and always fight such thoughts if it comes, till I tell friends about what’s happening & it’s always them who confirm there’s something going on & this is not the norm. for me both guys were neutral till I was confused, told my friends who know them, they started paying attention and then told me it’s not normal.
- I’m not fantasizing, I’m just confused & this pisses me off, I hate confusion, I hate mixed signals, I hate indirectness. I feel paralyzed then& really can’t act properly, mixed signals lead me to mixed acts & this leads nowhere, either for me or them, if they just ask me, I would tell they lose me by such indirect acts. & here I don’t know what to do with any of them.

Morning Egypt,,, What is 30 l.e for you?

2007-05-23T14:07:00.000+03:00

Why people older than my father flirt with me while walking. Why it’s not safe any more to walk alone on streets? Why so ugly & very old men tell harassment comments, why they stare at my body making me feel I’m walking naked,. Why men seize every chance a female is close to touch her body, why kids at least 15 years younger than I tell me very obscene sexual comments or worse acts. why I’m forced recently to subconsciously cover my neck with my hand while passing beside men, why I’m so afraid that I’ve to always hide my fearing eyes behind sunglasses till entering my home.

Does 30 pounds mean any thing to you? Well, it can be a fair price for a junk meal, or a coffee with some friends while you’re gossiping about latest affairs or the most sexy girl or hot guy you recently met, or while you’re “betzabat” this hot girl sitting next table. You can pay it while watching a match for the local losers "Ahly- Zamalek" at a café & of course they have to make you drink as much as you can through being there. It's 1/5 of the price you pay to get a 3rd class dirty ticket for Ahly-Barcelona match.What else!! A price for socks, a fraction written beside a large price for a brand T-Shirt or shoes. Seems it means little.

Well, for some people who live in the same country, may be next door,
It means Life.
30 pounds is a price for a blood sample match test which is a must to give the patient a blood matching his. In the case I witnessed, the father doesn’t have the 30 pounds needed for his only little girl who has leukemia.

My youngest sister is a volunteer in a blood bank for a good NGO; they rotate the blood bank phone weekly to handle cases that need blood donation. Last week was my sister’s turn & accidentally I took that week off after hectic weeks of work with no vacations due to some new services launch. During that week, I saw my sister waking up at 8 a.m. or 2 midnight & hear her contacting some people in search for a donor. During that week, i realized the other part of Egypt:

Death doesn’t have time; my sister was embarrassed to call donors that late or early especially in week ends, asking them to go donate for this girl or that man. I asked her “so why you answer phone at this time?”
She: because people need it
Me: you are not annoyed to be awaken that early or late
She: of course not
Me: do you believe that death has a specific time to knock doors?
She: of course not
Me: so those donors should believe the same as you & accept being called at any time, because death doesn’t have time

The phone was ringing continuously & my sister was all the time on phone searching for donors, confirming, informing the patient, following up & the same cycle goes daily. Sometimes the phone was ringing while she’s praying. Knowing that death won’t wait & doesn’t have time, I answered many calls acting under her name, actually I learned the process by watching her for some days & it was easy for me to handle the call, get the needed information & then tell her to handle. She was grateful to the little support & I was so happy offering any kind of help. She told me one thing “I pity emergency doctors, they have every right to be insane”
Me: Why?
She: imagine waking daily on a call telling you that you should help that person who has cancer or that who had accident. Every day you wake up for the same reasons & with the same way: a crisis. Definitely you’ll be crazy. Now I can imagine & understand.

She’s right, we were all the day hearing words like bleeding, dying, ICU, open heart, cancer, accident, little child, old man, a girl, a rare blood type, hospital, dying, coma & this really made me think differently:
In Egypt, there are people who spend years in hospitals with their sons who have lung cancer
In Egypt, there are people who don’t have 30 pounds to pay for their beloved lives
In Egypt, there are guys my age who spend all days at hospitals receiving blood to make up for their loss because of leukemia
In Egypt, there are really good people who hurry up no matter early or late to donate their blood, bearing all the difficulty they face in public hospitals
In Egypt, there are really wonderful devoted people who spend a whole week trying to save someone’s life, paying all it takes from money, time, effort & sleepless days. For me, they are role models in sincerity & devotion.
In Egypt, some pay 30 pounds over a cup of coffee & others pay it for saving life
In Egypt, the public official institutes who make the big blood campaigns & considered to be the first reliable place NEVER give blood for free no matter how poor the patient is. They sell ½ liter for 260 LE.
In Egypt, a small NGO, and young students give blood for free and even pay for the transportations, phone calls, and matching tests for those who don’t have,,,ok, the 30 pounds

Now I can’t enjoy watching match at a café, I don’t enjoy the junk food or grand restaurants, I don’t enjoy coffee beans or cilantro. Now I’m asking myself all the time:

Did Gom3a get the 4 donors he needed for his open heart surgery?
Did Osama find guaranteed donors for his leukemia?
Did Rahma have her hemoglobin stabilized before the lung cancer surgery?

R

And they are AGAINST Boycotting Zionist/Israelis companies

2007-05-12T19:35:00.000+03:00

What else could convince people of boycotting or do anything that can support Palestinians or suppressed Arabs every where??. Here’s the photo of a Palestinian kid caught by Israelis, grabbed and tied by an arm to the grille covering the windscreen of their security vehicles. The coward assholes used the poor kid as a human shield against the stones of his fellow Palestinians, a mean & cheap way to stop them from throwing their stones; a primitive weapon that makes Israelis shiver regardeless of their highly destructive ones. The picture can effectively describe the brutality & bitchiness of those cowards.

Some more sad news: our company director was injured in an accident. He was driving his auto cycle race on Cairo-Fayoum road to enjoy the fresh breeze in the weekend. In an attempt to avoid a crash with a truck, he dropped sliding under a microbus then fell into a dirty stagnant pool "masraf". The man was taken to a public dirty hospital for first emergency aid in Fayoum, then to a big hospital at Cairo. He was admitted to ICU after losing lots of blood. Unfortunately the wound wasn’t cleaned well by the first hospital, causing blood toxicities that reach the bones; he flew to UK for any better help ,but sadly enough his leg was terribly infected from the dirty pool & they had to amputate his left leg above the knee.

Enough to say that this 30 old britich young man was once a UK Marines, who moved to Egypt to manage the company Egypt brnch as a chief director. He excellently achieved an outstanding progress through a smart business awareness as well as high people management. I loved that man truly & we worked together a lot.I first helped him as an interpreter during his side by side observation for some employees, his office was just meters away from mine & we used to greet & tell jokes in the morning. He was so lovely, modest & sociable. I can’t imagine how this accident will be a turning point in his life. He was physically active, wearing T-shirts in winter, working all day through, driving only auto race daily to work. I can’t imagine how such an active person will now live with such a physical disability at this young age. I really feel bad for him like everyone in this company does.

I saw him last time three days before the accident when he stopped to laugh with our team & joke about our manager moving to another department & how this will be for our good “teasing him”. We then wished each a happy vacation & left. That was the last time to see him, never imagined it is the LAST for real. He’s now at UK still in ICU. The infection was too terrible that it still threatens his life even after amputating his leg. I just wish to see him again, or at least to contact him. I want to tell him that I truly love him & I’m honored to work with him one day. I’m even honored to laugh with him & that he’s & will always be a great man. I don’t know how he feels now but definitely he’s not feeling great. Egypt for him will always be a painful memory, at which he was tortured & humiliated in its corrupted bad hospitals. Because of its deteriorating medical system, he lost his leg; doctors said the danger of the accident vs. his falling into the pool is 20% to 80%. He lost his leg not because of the accident, but because of the doctors’ careless work not to purify his wound.

this is n't a great week i guess. I'll leave you to enjoy reading this & looking at the kid's face while sipping your coffe....StarBucks for example to suit the issue at hand.

Befrienders Cairo

2007-05-05T00:20:00.000+03:00

Befrienders Cairo:

It was one of the best NGOs I volunteered at for 3 years. It was one of its kind in Egypt to serve depressed people who feel suicidal. Mainly it’s a suicidal line where people call to tell whatever problem disturbs them. This Organization helped developing my personality a lot, it first led me to be un judgmental & objective, tolerant, detached from the person’s problems so as to be able to listen effectively, to control & leave my own problems at the center’s door because inside I’ve to listen & be concerned about someone else’s. At Befrienders, I know that no problem is small or trivial because it might mean the whole world to someone. Through Befrienders, I come to know Egypt is not that simple place with such simple & “normal” problems: here in Egypt exists all the dirtiness & complexities, here in Egypt; we do have adultery, homosexuality, betraying,
suicidal and premarital affairs. We have all types of mental disorders and sicknesses you read or never read about. At Befrienders, I realized that people here do have problems and at the top of which is they can’t tell others-even their closest circles- about it, either due to: fear of judgment, misperception, punishment, looking down upon, or fear of isolation. They are supressing all their suffering deep inside with no one to help & this led alot of them to extreme weakness or may be courage to.......commit suicide. & that's why Befrienders exists: To give them what they need: unjudgemental listener.

The top calls we used to get are on:
- Sexual problems of all kind “let your imagination sky rockets in expectations”
- religious concerns
- family problems
- romance & “untraditional” affairs
- sexual or emotional fantasies
- a call seeking company
- sense of guilt /grieving over a past mistake/ loss

Before Befrienders , I never imagined such issues do exist in Egypt, can you imagine those people who just sit beside you at a café or work might be those who call telling about their sexual affair with their sister/brother or even mother, this calm friend who calls one day to complain how he can’t cope with the society because he’s a gay & people don’t accept it, that little 14 old child whose society accuses him of being disbeliever because of his challenging questions on God & religion, his continuous clashes & how his family brutally beats him up for being rebellious & unbeliever. I can’t forget his bitter statement “is it my mistake I’ve a brain to use, why don’t they just let me reach my own destination myself?” There’s also that man who enjoys having sex with kids, the totally covered “ montakeba” teacher who rides crowded transportations so as to enjoy the sexual harassment of men. There are tons of unusual cases & stories that I can’t tell due to being classified as “confidential”.

Unfortunately Befrienders Egypt closed because of lack of commitment from volunteers (the organization was running wholly by voluntary efforts), & at last stage we’d sever difficulty finding volunteers available to open the shift. I’m thinking seriously of reviving it because I totally believe in its importance & uniqueness in serving the society. You serve people psychologically, you listen, don’t judge or give action plans, just listen, help a person to get relieved, think about options suiting his own lifestyle & follow up. The main role was caller stays anonymous & confidential, free to call whenever he wants, we don’t call, we don’t talk about others’ problems outside the center, but we can discuss it with fellow volunteers with an aim of finding a better way of helping the caller. We also used to be anonymous “the first role of Befrienders is Never talk about Befrienders” (quoting Fight Club) but this changed later on in order to propagate for the organization. Before, only my closest family knows I’m a volunteer (coz they need to know where I hide once a week), but I could never tell my friends why I can’t go out with them that certain day or why I’m depressed ( for getting a hard call), or from where I know those new friends. I owe a big deal of who I’m now to Befrienders, i'm better than many of my friends in accepting odds, discussing sexual problems, and accepting people with different attitudes.I don't say i'm totally open-minded but definitely better than the past.

it was really of great value to people & at least the only place where people can openly talk about their most dark spots, without being judged or preached. That was a highly civilized help & Still i remember my pleasure going home after helping someone venting out , feeling better somone there accepts,cares & listens. May be now I’m not a Befriender volunteer but still adapt the same philosophy I learned there: listen& listen & listen, never ever judge, assume, preach, advise, or teach. We all commit mistakes & there are always personal reasons for everything, may be it can’t be explained or accepted by you, but the fact remains it does & will always happen.

Now I know very well that: In here, everything exists.
R

The Groom & The Front Door

2007-04-28T16:07:00.000+03:00

I’d the best weekend that lasted for 4 days. First, I finished many essential family errands that were postponed since ages & among them was choosing our new apartment. Next day I met some old friends whom I used to escape their repeated requests for outings, basically because the guy used to be superficial & negative, but after changing his job, he becomes more positive, cheerful & nice. My sister came with me & she enjoyed talking with his friend who works as military engineer “she’s big fan of militants”. We agreed to either go to cinema or dream park next week together again.
Third day was mainly relaxation at home & the last day I’ll go out with work friends and then meet my best friend Y. & her bf.

I was surfing the net searching for front door designs for our new house, and I came through a door design which reminds me of a guy I met & this is an amusing story:

He is my friend's cousin whom I met in an outing 2 years ago. We didn’t even exchange one word but I found her calling & informing that her cousin is interested in knowing me. That was the talk then:

Her: What about going out next week?
Me: no problem
Her: but listenmy cousin is joining also, he wants to talk with you
Me: who is this cousin?
Her: this tall guy who was sitting smoking all the time
Me: I don’t remember ( I wasn’t playing te2ila khales, I really doidn't notice him)
Her: stop that game, he kept his eyes on you all the time
Me: so!!
Her: you idiot, he liked you & wants to talk with you more

Niahahahahahah, fix up outing!!! I never experienced similar thing before & really wanted to see how these meetings go & honestly, I also wanted to see who that admirer “mo3gab walhan” is ;)

We met, he is very good looking with Greek origins, 37 years old & in a prestigious senior position at his company. H’s very good socially, educational & financially. However, while talking, I noticed the big gap we have. He’s very paranoid bragging all the time about the achievements he did at work, the cute girls he used to meet. Probably because of his age, he believed he knows it all & he’s the most experienced in all aspects of life. He did his best to impress me by what ever opinion he has in any aspect. I was impressed then because I was just 21 old, definitely 15 years age gap served him well in terms of knowledge & experience. He was so tender, mature & as wise as an old man. I enjoyed for a while being treated as his spoiled queen or child, learning from him, listening to his stories, ideas & “feminine adventures”.but this is not what it takes to marriage

Gradually he started talking about marriage as soon as possible. He wanted to get married in couple of months & I was just so schoked “ what!! I just know you, who tmentioned marriage?”. He said he loves me madly & we have to get married. I shot the first & critical factor why it's impossible: The age gap.

Me: listen, I can’t imagine getting married to someone almost double my age, & I believe my parents will throw me out of window knowing that.

Him: why, this is the best gap for a perfect marriage

Me: How come!! I’m 21 & you’re 37, when I’ll be at the peak of my youth, you’ll be just collapsing “ I was so rude then”

Him: this is the general rule, but my family is known for long lasting fertility & manhood till late ages, my father & grandfathers are clear proof for that, we’re different & we keep our lively manhood till elder ages “in terms of sexual relation”. My dad got married to my mom with the same age gap “ 15 years” & she happily lived with him. It even pleased her more being his spoiled little wife. She was a queen & so will you.

Me:What!!! I don’t talk here about sex & fertility, why you shake my innocent thoughts that way, I was mainly thinking of me wanting to go out, have fun & travel while you’re too old to put up with me. I was thinking of simple pleasure & he just scared me of his sexual obsessions.

Then the shocking facts continued:

-He is a loyal kid to his mom , calling her Mamy at this age. One day, while talking on phone she enetered his room to show him the new diamond ring she bought, he told her “ so amazing , congrats mamy “ yeganen ya mamy, mabrok 3aliky”. He told me his father used to pamper her “ akid ya3ny his kid” & so he continues doing the same for that little queen who became widow in her early 40s. he stressed she’s the most valuable person in his life & I ‘ve to treat her equally.

- His plan for our future:
a-I’ll quit my work, living with him at our villa in Shikh zayed “ remote new area in Cairo” , he wants at least 5 kids and will have the first at the first year of marriage so that he manages to raise them up early efore dying “ conscious about his age”
b-Our daily life : in the morning he will take me (& my kids) to his mother’s house & comes in the afternoon to take us back to our villa & here it goes. This is so as not to get bored spending the whole day alone at my house
C-we will only have family friends who are also married or couple, no space for personal friends for each , especially males in my case because it contradicts the principle of complete sharing.

d-Being 37 senior manager, he had his own villa , he designed each single part of it himself, even the furniture, it’s totally ready for the little kid to just live there, no need for me to have any input in its design or furniture. He did the whole work & he proudly says it’s unique & wonderful. I won’t do any better any ways. He chose every thing so carefully, even the front door “ showed me its picture” which has something like Versace image on it. Even the front door is unique.

Okay!! I’ve no problem quitting work after marriage & won’t mind loving my husband's family, but that was too much. He planned alone for everything & he just wants me to complete the perfect picture he drew for his life: he made everything & planned for everything alone & I just have to implement: he chose the house, decoration, furniture, design , even the front door ( grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, he should’ve left that front door specifically for me to choose , kolo kom we el bab kom tany ). He planned for me quitting work, living at Shikh zayed villa, having kids quickly so he can enjoy them, he chose to satisfy his mom by taking me to spend every day with her till he comes taking the young timid wife home to sleep with & have as much kids as he can.

He selfishly planned for his perfect life with no consideration for that insignificant girl: for him what’s more perfect than a young lovely wife, 5 kids, living in his designed castle, pampering his mom, succeeding at work & imprison me in this remote castle. Even the door he chose was so scary, as if I’m entering a gothic castle of a vampire, the design on the door was so scary for me & as if it summed up the whole life with him.

You can guess my decision even before introducing him to my parents. Oh God! I want to be with a person who has the same pleasure for going out, having common cool friends & still each has his own private zone, someone who can do crazy little things of our age, who won’t ask me out at grand hotels’ cafes for earl grey tea or Turkish coffee, who won't give me the fierce look for laughing loud in front of people, who won’t mind sitting on floor, jumping on streets, going to amusement parks, traveling randomly, eating junk food not at big restaurants, wearing jeans & sneakers not formal suits. I want to choose my house furniture, its designs & decorations; above all, I want to choose the front door. Looool.

I don’t hate that man because this is his priorities based on his age & mentality.For him, this is his satisfaction & priorities not mine. So simply we didn’t agree on a common ground & there was the big NO.

The Alchemist, The Secret & Others

2007-04-25T21:03:00.000+02:00

I finished The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho’ s masterpiece. It's really the best start after a whole year pause from reading, can’t imagine how suddenly I lost my addiction to reading which lasted all the past years.
I won’t talk about that book because it needs a full literary review to fulfill its due right, I used to be very good at critical reviews all through college & even after. However I stopped using that talent years ago so would be unfair starting with such a big work of art.

All I can say is it’s a great inspiration for me now & its words echo in my mind all day long, giving a meaning to my choices, power to my decisions & motivation to pursuit a destination with courage & hope.

It makes me ask: do I listen to my “heart”? How can I say that what I hear & follow since years as "intuition" is the voice of my heart as originated from the “Soul of the World”? May be it is a bedazzled voice of my mixed desires, of a misled materialistic life?

What’s the Soul of The World? And why I stopped following the Omens? Why can’t I speak the language of the world? What’s my mission in the world? "Every one has a destination to pursuit and a treasure awaits him, this treasure turns to be just under his feet, where he stands, as close as to be the place he usually slept daily at. However, he needs to go through a pilgrimage, a quest & to be in tune with the soul of the world in order to find it. The lesson & treasure wasn’t buried at the old church, it was in what he learned & experienced through the journey to find the treasure, it’s in every place he conquers, in each person whom he meets & taught him something: in the wells, palms, sands of the desert, hawks, wind, pyramids, Fatima eyes, the moon & guiding stars, the camel driver, the owner of the crystal shop, even the thieves, the tribal chiefs, the English man, the gypsy woman, the old king, & the alchemist.

You may need to go around the world to find your treasure that might turn to be just in front of you, but to realize it; you need to go through that entire journey, to go so far in order to return again, realizing your treasure. You’ve to pursuit your destiny no matter what & “it’s the possibility of achieving that dream that makes our life worth living”

“When you really want something, the whole universe conspires in helping you achieve it”

Now, I’m still reading Taxi, a lighter thing on taxi drivers’ stories about Egypt, some of their social, political, religious & even sexual perceptions about Egypt's contemporary life. We all believe that taxi drivers are the least credible source for such information because of some educational & awareness factors resulted from their terrible financial & social status. However, I come to find a lot of their stories logical & thoughtful. If you don’t find it as such, definitely they’ll still be full of appealing simplicity, human suffering & beautiful comedy. At least they tell the person how this category is smashed under the economic crisis, how they’re striving just to find “lo2met el 3ish el yom bi yomo”

Parallel to Taxi, I’m reading “Zat” by Sona Allah Ibraheem, can’t tell about it as I’m just in the 4th page.

Hey, there’s a great book worth redaing called The Secret, it’s made into a movie too but I always enjoy reading the movies on papers. Will leave this book trailer to give you idea about it:

http://www.amazon.com/o/ASIN/B000K8LV1O/ref=s9_asin_image_3/104-4284388-6035911?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=11WRB8SRV95H42YXH986&amp;amp;pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=278240301&pf_rd_i=507846

I couldn’t find it in Diwan but ordered it, do you know a place I can find it at now?

have a lovely week,

I realized that....

2007-04-20T23:51:00.000+02:00

- Life is too short to be wasted on impressing others
- No one will die on your behalf, so no one should live your life
- Every one is busy with others’ business that s/he doesn’t have time for theirs
- Books are a great teacher & source of inspiration
- The influence of people’s opinion on how I lead my life was running subconsciously in my blood like addiction, I never realized it’s that serious & it took me hard time to get cured.
- to hell with what people say so long as one is convinced & content with his/her life, people will talk any ways
- People will dislike, gossip, stab & misunderstand me anyways, so it’s better to let them do this while I’m happy with my choices
-whatever I do, some will never respect me, so do what will make me respect myself
- There’s no value in my work, I don’t positively impact community, actually I’m sucking people’s blood
- The only value of my work is it’s of a great value to the company's annual revenue & market share
- There’re things out of my hand till now, though they are basics & I can’t change them to what I want
- I’m wasting my time on trivial things & the things affecting me personally take the least priority
- The same smart & successful person at work is the same loser & idiot in relations: Me

- Some people will die without knowing how truly I love them
- I will die without knowing that some people once truly loved me but were too afraid to show it or I was too cruel to back them off
- I failed to establish a good relation with some people as it’s supposed to be & will never succeed
- I should have gone for New York fellowship with the UN, what’s the use of regretting now?

- I challenged a whole society in one of its very unquestionable habits, went through hell time, heard nasty assumptions about me, found out the real ugly face of people who acted the opposite in the past, while getting surprised by how others are too tolerant & open minded.
- after this experience, I can face any obstacle. From now on, I’m not afraid, I’m not chained, I’m not addict to people’s influence, I’m free, I can make my own decisions & face its consequences
- I never forgot about love but never give it a second chance since a whole year
- I’m strong & can change the world if I want, (examined)
- People in this country lost the ability to shape their lives & just go with the flow
- People here give a lot of weight to external & outside aspects rather than inner truth
- religion here isn’t a sacred relation between human & God, it’s the business of each & every single one who happens not only to know but even to see or hear about you
- I don’t fit perfectly in this community & they found me “revolutionist”
- having my current job, I’m part of a corrupted community which turned this country to a consuming not a productive one, “I’m selling the air”
- Mak: now I can say: I’m a corporate slut, never thought I’m that close to be this
- I won’t be happy dying now, what I did being alive?
- The world won’t lose a lot losing me
- Many people didn’t choose what they do now & too coward to change it
- You can’t take it all
- Life is too short to be burned in having such hateful & selfish friends like D. & M.
- When I’m too honest, people seldom believe me
- all written here is nothing but personal reflections

R

-

My Sisters Say I'm...

2007-04-12T20:57:00.000+02:00

My sisters say I'm….

One of the most interesting things is to know how people perceive you, especially if they're close enough to know the real you. Actually their perceptions might be very surprising (in a positive or negative way), but it worth trying :) Here's a tag we the three sisters answered about each. I post here what they said about me. My younger sis is H. while the oldest is A.:

Am I?
1. Quiet/ Loud?

H: quiet
A: Yeeeehhhhhhhhh quiet

2. Short/ Tall?

-H: sure tall but I'm taller :p
- A: Na7’la :P

3. Weird / Original?
H:original
A: La2 original wad7a ya3ny

4. Nice / Mean?

H:nice
A: Nice

5. Friendly / Selfish?

H:friendly never selfish as far as I see you :P
A: Too Friendly. La2 7’ales you always have friends and people around you, sometimes u had to escape and switch off your phone :P:P

6. Normal / "Special"

H: till now special
A: La2 you are special and you’re finding your way easily rabena yewf2k ya o7’t

7. Smart / Stupid ?

H:ooooops the same question again :d, sometimes you prefer to ask instead of using your mind and being reckless without mind too i consider this stupidness .....:P sorry
A: Although you are putting your mind sometimes in the freezer but if you rarely use it I can find you smart

8. Boring / Fun?

H:recently you became (mas7'ra)
A: La2 sa3at bttl3 menk 2afshat gamda,funny ya3ny

9. Attractive / Unattractive

H: la2 ya sety attractive yalla
A: Attractive especially for the foreigners

10. A psycho?:

-H: no but about to be
A: Nope

11. A nerd?:

H: no
A: No

12. Two-faced?:

H: no, never
A: no but sometimes you try to avoid telling the bad things to one or two of those 7aizabonat from ur work like esmha eih di nada :P

13. Obnoxious?:

H: no
A: NO

14. Immature?:
H:no
A: No

15. Mature?:

H: yes
A: Yes you’re even before being 18 sana ya3ny el 3a2la elly fina.:P

16. Moody?:

H: rarely
A: Although that you are sometimes turned to ka2iba (depressed) but there is reason, so NO

17. loser?:

H:no
A: no

18. Lovable?:

H: yes
A: Yes, enty men el popular people

-What do u think I'll be when I grow up? :

H:I think you'll be successful both at your work (u 'll have a great position at work whatever it is and also have a cute loving husband, will travel alot with him or without.

A: You’ll be important woman and you’ll marry that business man who will be like 10 years older. You’ll live in a villa or big apartment ya3ny fa7’fa7’a,, I can’t imagine children in your life but if you have so they will be those complex :P children’s Omhom set mohema and so their dad and they will be so polite and bisrfo be 7sab ra3’m enhom a3’nia

6. Do I remind u of any characters on TV?:

H:yes - Nagla2 fat7y - magda - gehad fe wanes series -an3'aaam
- Meg Rayan in (you've got a mail movie ) I like this movie since first time I watched 6 years ago and I think your last experience was somehow like the movie story :^)
- sally cartoonc harachter,Captain Maged and his friend Amgad who has heart problems.

A: Hehehe3h3h3h3h3h3h tab3n.
Let’s start
-Angham tab3n you look like her and safaa galal and Bakiza el Daramly :P you have the same features more or less
-Naglaa Fathi hadiieeen zay ba3d,
-Ra3d ( Captain Majed cartoon) as you like and look like him with your hair cut
-Sally in that cartoon
-Ziena we Na7ool carton
-Pink Panther.

10. If u could give me anything...what would it be?:

H-mmmmmmm one pound :P kidding anyway ya basha enta to2mor da ana adek 3enaya (was3a awee ha ) 5las 5las i'll tell you' if i can I'll give you the courage to drive ,heheheheheh
A: I’ll give you the way to keep the room clean and tidy
And the sense of being in such a place like that
I can give you some of my careless just to match me.
I can give you as I told H. the secret way to keep your clothes clean and new for a long time.

11. If u could promise me anything. what would it be?:

H: hehehe sa3b to promise i don't know if i can keep it or not look i promise to always be close even if we are distant
A: I just can help anytime

12. If you could have anything that I have what would it be?

H:-be prepared for anything you are about to do
- be determind
A: Good, high standard, honest, cool Friends

IF YOU ARE MY OPPOSITE SEX, describe me in one word?

H: one bas maynfa3sh ya 2mr da 3enta 3'azal 2lbe (mesh oppisite sex ba2a ) ok mmmmmmm i think it'll be (friend) ,it contains alot of meanings
A: Kind

Do u or have u ever hated me?Hope not, When & why?

H: wrong formula, the right one: have you ever loved me? or do you love me ? :D

sure it happens alot: -
-when you are stressed and treats people badly although it's not their fault
- when we shop and you take along time to choose you staff and wander some boring empty shops
- when we are out and you want to lead us although you don't know the directions, aaaaaaaaah this time I wish I'd a gun
-when you compare situations and things totaaaaaaly apart (7ram 3leke ar7mene ) and you know how particular I am and that I won't let go peacefully specially ba2a when we have quarrel it ends with me having p-a-r-a-l-y-s-i-s
-when you insist on your wrong opinion and ideas -- When you keep talking with many people about same nonsense & insignificant incidents

A: La2la2la2la2 el kalam el kbier ba2a look ba2a ya 7elwa
1- when you face a problem you bt3mely menha 2adiet el shar2 el awsat I can explain more: you start to call your friends Y. you told her then you call A. you told him what happened and you told him what Y. said about the issue and then you call ….. and bla bla in the same circle, it would be more better to cheer up ya 7elwa.
2- When tab3n you prefer to ask before using your mind,
3-When you start to put your clothes over the chair, bed and your make up everywhere also there is papers under your bed and you’ll never ever clean this room I had to because I hate it dirty LoooooL
4- When you ask me about something or to do something, you began to reply or take the action before I do or answer.
5- And gina ba2a when it’s time to buy clothes you enter every shop even it’s m3afen and you try a strange clothes that didn’t match you asln mostafeza haaa
6-A7’er 7aga ba2a lama btt3lmy mostla7 7akir of someone we tfdaly tkrarih lama nekrh ommmmoooohhh we nekrhek we nekrh 3ishtna even law mesh lai2 3aliky t2olih sa7 ya bet ya H?

1. Do u wish we were closer?
-H: you are my sister closer fen tane hatb2e ome ya3ne, la2 tab3an aktar men keda 5n2a ba2a :P
A: Ya3ny aktar men keda hatnamy fi nafs el srir beta3y wala 7aga. I prefer not coz I’m a fish and I prefer to sleep on my way ( we share same room & "fish" coz she's Pisces sign)

Final question:do you think we will be friends for all of our life[or whatever relationship we have]
H: yeah I think so and it grows more and more
A: I think that tab3n as I told H. it’ll be very precious relationship for the three of us.

I'd recommend you guys to ask someone who knows u well to do that about you & share the answers ( el fadaye7) with us here. :D
N.B: i posted their replies as is, without any editing wallahe,,,e777em ana itbahdelt shwaya

love you sisters,
R

Fadafadtion Tagged me ya ged3aaaan

2007-04-09T00:34:00.000+02:00

Here's fadafadtion first yet challenging tag. I got same result though trying it twice in an attempt to get a better result. Actually I really liked the description telling why I'm that one,(typical me)though not really liking the person Himself :(. bas a3mel eh, this is the leader in me, mesh batal bardo :

So Welcome me The .....

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

consider this a 2nd reminder for lazy bloggers I earlier asked to do the below tag,including Perkunas himself. Now you've two tags either to do both or choose the one you like. let me know when you do.

I won't kill myself if you don't :P.gotta Other spots to be its center of attention ;)

Thanks Arashanation Fadfadation
R.

Tagged,, Being a Student meant that...

2007-04-07T01:19:00.000+02:00

Been tagged by Mak the Gr8est...Ma3'rouur. Though he didn't ask me personally & just hinted to me as one who reads his blog (knowing I'm a big fan), & I'm known to hate being treated as one of the mass, but his only excuse is his laziness. So here I do it.
School Days Tag:

1. Did you use to be a good student at school?
I was an ace student to the extent of being selected as "ideal student" every year till high school. I used to get high marks with almost no studies, depending only on attending & understanding the subjects that really appealed to me. I dropped the nerd student for the high school years but resumed in college with the same trend of being top-class without studying. I've been very famous & admired by my professors for intellectual discussions during classes & raising healthy arguments.

2. What were your most loved and most hated subjects?
Most loved: languages generally (Arabic, English, French "exclude Grammar", literature, history, geology, bio-chemistry, music, & Mathematics with all its branches
Most hated: geography, physics, grammar

3. When young, what did you want to become?
First a doctor, then since the age of 12 till finishing high school wanted to be "a scientist", mainly astronaut. I've this dream of exploring the space & was always encouraged by my mother who believed in my dream & pushed me forward to the extent of asking her uncle – who's a professor in the center of nuclear studies- to take care of me all through high school, she planned for everything even to my studies in US. However, after high school & in choosing the college, I knew this requires tough & serious study/attendance which was not what I wanted then "the rebellious student". I quit my dream for the sake of the rebellious reckless life.

for the sake of change: Italiano,Sabrina,Fadfadation,Mystery,Kareem,Merima, Lucie,& Eyewitness are tagged. if they don't have time or like it akid:)

merci ya Mak
R.

Do Honorable People Approve it!!

2007-04-03T16:20:00.000+02:00

The weirdest thing is I'm much more irritated and on verge than I expecte. I expected myself to come more relaxed out of the vacancy but here I'm back making a big fuss out of every trivial situation & having fights for nonsense with my friends. I totally can't figure out what's wrong with me or what's the reason behind this sharp & sudden terrifying mood.

I came up with one single decision out of that vacancy: I'm free now from people's influence on every decision I'm making. I never admitted this before even to myself & even claimed I'm not but the fact is people's opinion strongly impact every decision I'm making. Before every step or action, I usually have these questions at the back of my mind: will people like this? What will be their reaction? Will they like/dislike me for what I do?

I've been chained in this vicious circle since forever & now I decided to put a full stop for this shit. For the decision I've to make nowadays-which is very crucial to me- I'm totally erasing from my mind any thoughts of the previous type: people's oriented decisions.
I'm really fed up of how people here interfere in every single issue of one's life; everyone gives himself the ultimate right to ask you for clarification & answers for every act you do here no matter how superficial your relation with him is. People keep talking about each other, judging, assuming or burning their nerves trying to get the "unsaid" reasons for your acts.
Honestly I used to highly value their "interference" & be careful in every decision that it won't stimulate their disliking. Now this gives me so much pain & pressure. I'm in a severe struggle with myself to go with the new approach, i.e., to hell with people's opinion & will do what I think is right. Since deciding this, I'm having a very painful inner conflict between the two approaches; I keep whipping myself when being caught red handed thinking of how people will take my new decision.

Is it true that being unable to justify for people what you did means you're not personally convinced enough in the first place? Does people opinion really symbolize mine & how strong or weak my stance is?

Is being able to convince people or at least give a valid justification for your acts a significant measure for the credibility/authenticity of your own decision?

What I need to be sure I made the right choice? What is most important: my inner satisfaction, what my intuition tells me?
I know the decision I'm about to make is not the right thing, but isn't it enough that I don't feel comfortable doing the right thing now? I'm not ready for doing the right thing & won't be satisfied if doing it at this stage?
Should I fight this inner voice asking me not to do the right thing now because I'm not convinced & just keep doing it for the mere fact it is right?

Still, I've this side yet powerful fight with myself to really neglect what people think. This leaves two things for me to decide for. How painful it's.!!!

Signs that work threatens your life

2007-03-29T20:51:00.000+02:00

I usually blog in week ends. However, I'll be out of Cairo & definitely granted myself having no access to internet during that weekend. I really need to be "totally disconnected" for awhile. I feel so much loaded with lots of tension & confusions running in my life, so I need to go relax for few days in a remote place. Still I've to post what I intended to before leaving; with a Promise to catch up with all your writings after coming back.

This issue is confusing me since few weeks & I can't stop till now trying to find reasons for it. It's simply that we have in our company males & females (logic) but what strikes me is most of guys have got married though they're mid twenties or early 30s while most girls are still singles at their late 20s early 30s. the big ratio of single girls exists in the superior levels like managers & directors. What's more striking is most of them are beautiful or at least fair, socially & of course financially good, and very sociable & outgoing. Like most of us they travel, have friends from both sexes & really lively. Such a package makes me think: so why they didn't get married? It's not a matter of being introvert, me3a2adin or drowned at work, neither a matter of ugliness nor of other social aspects.

Honestly I'm afraid of having same life one day. Let me be clear about this, I'm not a husband hunter whose life goal is getting a husband as soon as possible, I even used to be anti marriage till someone made me change my mind. Now I'm still not ready for marriage but more acceptable of the idea that I need to be married at certain point of my life. Therefore, I won't ever be happy being that successful outstanding woman but goes home to spend her evening alone after everyone else has left. Sorry I won't buy this. This made me think of quitting my work thinking there's something wrong with its style that swallows people till they forget everything other than work & success. The compromise was to stay at work but be very basic like any idle girl who doesn’t achieve any new thing or make any difference through her work, an image I hated a lot ( reminds you of women working in public archives bey3melo el kosa).

Expressing this to my manager, he stressed it's a phenomena affecting all the country not only our company & the best outcome of my observation is to start having a balance from now to guarantee a healthy life style.

As a result, I started deeply thinking of how my work affects my life. Was it a good or bad effect?

Here is hare it with you, you'll know why after reading this list:

Since I worked:
1- all my recent friends are from work, I lost contact with any on else out of this community, all those I invested in through school & college time
2- I drink lots of caffeine daily
3- I became very impatient & aggressive with my family. May be because they're the only ones I can vent out & be my self with.
4- If I'm staying home at weekends, I spend most of time silent unable to make any conversation with my family
5- Small notebook is now indispensable item in my bag, because I'm expecting a business-related call that involves missions, names & dates at any given time of the day wherever I'm. The decision is made yesterday because while shopping with my sister, I got a call from my manager informing me of urgent tasks to be done tomorrow (as she'll be absent). I'd to write everything at the back of a receipt. So welcome the notebook, the new guest at a bag that used to have makeup bag, mobile, wallet, & keys.
6- Second guest is mobile charger who doesn't leave my bag except to recharge at home. I used to recharge my mobile once every two days. Since working here, I charge once a day & sometimes twice. I guess the reason is known now: flood of business calls during & after work time, even at midnight.
7- A huge part of my talk with friends & family now is work related.
8- I can't have time to see doctors though it's badly needed
9- I gossip a lot now with work colleagues about other work buddies

That's all I can come up with now. The result is guaranteed: total Bad Effect on my life. If you have similar signs, I guess some action should be taken.

Because you might wake up one day
And realize that you've lost a diamond
While you were too busy collecting stones

Adham

2007-03-24T19:39:00.000+02:00

Why I don't feel comfortable in my own skin recently?
Few weeks ago, since the weather started this stupid change, I spend half of the time I need every morning to get dressed in putting on & off clothes. For my family, this surprises them because it's simply the exact opposite of me. Throughout my whole life, I've been known to be that kind of girl whose look takes the least priority. I just shop & wear what will feel comfy & practical on me regardless of any other aspect. That was my criteria ever since. But nowadays I'm noticing a strange change. Every day I spent lots of time trying on different staff & finally getting dressed with being dissatisfied. One of my concerns now is what I will wear for tomorrow's meeting, for after tomorrow's outing, for next week's concert,,etc. I'm having a headache planning for each & every day wear. After all that effort, I remain unhappy & skeptical of my decision. My taste changed & became so difficult to satisfy, it's so hard for me to match things together now & I don't know why.I'm even hateful of all what I used to like before. There was that transitional phase when people started commenting positively on my style though I was just not thinking seriously of style or what i'm wearing, may be that's the root of what i've now. I started being terribly conscious of my look & this is not fun anymore.I used to be better not to & i guess it was reflected on me. Adding to the anxiety, I'm thinking even of changing my hair cut, style & everything.

In the last two week ends, I've been to el 3in el sokhna and a Bedouin resort in Cairo.the first was relaxing on the beach while the latter more dynamic but both were so relaxing & just on time. For the latter outing, I enjoyed playing with Arabic horses that were amazingly friendly & interesting; they kept rubbing their heads against my hands, turning around & approaching me. I was really surprised how this animal became friendly that fast. They're so tender & I seriously would wish to spend a major part of my life close to horses. To tell the truth, I hated horse riding & didn’t find any joy in it. I hope this doesn’t offend the horse riders here. Personally It just gave me lot of physical pain similar to that one gets after exercising /Gym for the first time. The best part was playing with the lovely horses, one of them is dark black, with amazing blue-eyes ( I swear pure blue-eyed) & genuine white spot in his forehead, its name is "Adham" & it's not for renting. this unique horse is a jumper & belongs exclusively to the owner of the resort. He was staying inside his place & we kept trying to get him out while he refuses,then he started approaching us slowely till totally being timid & midly playing with me. He personifies what's known as "Horses' elevation".He was so elveated, dignified & te2iiiiiiiil.That was unforgettable & wonderful feeling i'm still enjoying till now. This horse "Adham" is just adorable & I truly wished having it.May be marrying the owner is the solution. loool.

Juka asked that lovely question: & I find it worth posting about :
“If you could be anybody in any era; who would you be? what would you be doing? why did you pick that person?”

My answer was:
1-Gandhi : to be the change I want to see in the world just like what he did
2- Soliman ( 3alih el salam): to understand animals' language, to have a lot of Arabic wonderful horses & to rule Genies & be their master. I can ask them to get me what ever I want from any where in the globe, to do magical things supernatural actions.wooow.

My youngest sister chose to be Rab3a El 3adaweya: to guarantee her a messy life "dancing..Etc" & eventually repenting & having a pure sofi life,To win both joys. I found this so wicked actually.

The 10 Magical Questions

2007-03-17T15:47:00.000+02:00

I tried to postpone this as much as I can because every time I read the tag, I feel so dumb unable to get any answers for it. But Mak encouraged me after his response. I agree with him it's the hardest tag but very inspiring & rich. thanks Mystery:

1-What are your ambitions, things you hope to achieve in life and what are your goals?

My hope is to work once again in community development with the World Bank or any other multinational organization. My other goal is to establish my own institute for youth development focusing on themes as multiculturalism & self improvement.
Side by side, I hope to continue supporting/pushing my sisters/brothers forward till they become great persons.

2. What is marriage to you?

Based on my religion, it's the only legitimate way to spend valuable time with someone you love & share more things together, to come find him home, spend the whole night together, playing & traveling around the world. It's something I'll choose only if I felt so comfortable with someone's existence in my life that I want to spend more time with. Marriage for me is the definition of "I want to have more of that One"

3. What are the traits that must be present in YOUR someone?

he must be supportive, protective, caring, makes me laugh, outgoing, open minded and cultured, well educated & untypical, independent of his family, sooooo tender & passionate, forgiving, mature, loyal, neat, not a miser, not a liar, openly communicating, knows how to express himself/feelings, adventurous & having strong personality.
Physically: Must be tall, fit, sporty, charismatic & clean/neat. (Won't ever accept one with big belly, moustache, fat, or half bold"

4. Do you think having a child (or conceiving one) in the first year of marriage is a must/obligation?

On the contrary, the later the better, who knows if we'll continue or no. Also we need to spend & enjoy few years alone together without further responsibilities. I guess a child after 3-5 years will be convenient.

5. Are there any illnesses you suffer from?

As far as I know: shortage of iron, low blood pressure (both related to my being slim)

6. Are you social? Who are your friends?

I'm known to be a social butterfly with lots of friends/acquaintances. I'm an extremely outgoing person, the entertainer type who can always start up the amusing talk, gather people, organize outings & definitely people miss me when I'm not there. They tell I'm a center of a party.
My friends are basically my sisters, Yasso, Hayat, Jiji. "I change my friends whenever I change the context".

7. What's your relationship with your parents/brothers/sisters?

My mom is my closest friend, great advisor & confidant. She is my role model; we've more than a perfect relation. I used to live with my dad's absence so we keep the basic father-daughter relation. My two sisters are my closest friends & best company; we're almost same age & really enjoy our staying together in & out. My brothers are recently with my father so a bit detached but we love each other, we're close as much as time provides. All in all, my family is at the top of my world.

8. What are your hobbies? How do you like to spend your free time?

Watching movies, reading, walking, colouring, playing yoga, going out, voluntary activities & traveling, or just having fun at home with my sisters

9. Do you do any voluntary/charity work?

a bunch of various ones. Since 5 years till now. I'm a volunteer in many local NGOs in Egypt, Befrienders Cairo, World Bank, MENA regional coordinator of an int'l org, and Euro-Med. Development & voluntary work are indispensable part of my everyday life & basically can't live with out it.

10. How would you feel if my mother or yours interfered in our relationship or life later?
No way. They can express their opinions but no interference or decision making allowed & this is non negotiable. Actually I won't get married to a mom's kid

as Mak said, now i'm ready for any 3aris who happened to read mystery's friend book :D. it was fun doing that tag sweetie, keep the cute work.

all my left column list of bloggers are tagged, if you werent already.

Are you the Sister of A. ?

2007-03-11T11:37:00.000+02:00

Some childhood's memories have to be narrated here. My sisters & I talked over lunch about school memories since we were at same school. Basically my oldest sister led a school life that I always admired. She was a naughty, trouble maker & laid back girl who used to mess up in classes, in case she attended any, makes troubles with teachers, doesn't abide by the uniform, and doesn't respond to questions or home works. Accordingly, the reputation was established & this tremendously affected us the two younger sisters' school life. I can't forget that turning point when a teacher reads my full name in the attendance sheet, raises his head, stares at me & says the expected statement "are you the sister of A.?"

Hahahahaha, that was funny & greatly amusing. By time we get used to that reaction & actually waiting for it in the first week of every year. At the early years of schools, I was the exact opposite of my oldest sister, actually used to win the title "Ideal student" of the school. My teachers used to compare me to my sister & stress how different we're. This never made a problem to any of us since each was happy with the school's life style she's leading. We never hoped to exchange roles, neither had she aspired to be the ideal student nor did I hope to be the naughty type.

Later years, I started rebelling against the title, hating my ideal life & naturally turned to the naughty careless style like my sister. That was basically at the last two years of high school. For the first of them, I was careless to studies & classes but dedicating my whole time for activities to the extent that I was a member in each single activity in school. I was the deputy head of student union though it was my first year at this school.

Though I was totally off classes, & not even taking private lessons to compensate for my absence, I got relatively high grade & again won the title "Ideal student "of the school. If not for being an intelligent student so it's due to my outstanding participation in all activities as well as representing my school in national competition & winning all. (Oh no, Not again). I was the school's favorite student & my name was so famous then. I enjoyed the change but didn't happily accept its being a total positive carelessness. I wanted to be a bad student.

Therefore, the last high school year, I quit all activities refusing all begging me to continue & started missing classes, enjoying escaping classes to the school yard to play soccer or basket ball with guys, even going to the gardening room to watch the different types of plants & watering them. I enjoyed doing anything that would be regarded as gate away from classes. My teachers were so astonished of my radical change. All their attempts to convince me, reminding of the past golden era when I was "ideal student" were in vain. Their meeting with my parents didn't convince me to be back. They used all possible pressure to convince me but I was already fed up of the "ideal life" & needed to try a different style.

I continued being the same for the first two years of university till another turning point. Regardless of the messy life I was leading again at university, I got very good as a grade in second year & was ranked the first of the class. This cant be possible with a girl who doesn’t attend any class, coming just for final lecture to know how things go, study late for one night before exam trying to catch as much as possible pages out of the 300 pages the exam is covering. It turns to be a scanning process for one whole night, including at least 4 hours sleeping.
At this point, I stopped asking myself: so you can be the first of class even if you don't mean it, why don't you take it seriously and keep being like this?

I put it a goal to be the first of my graduation class, for no valid reason except self-satisfaction or a challenge. However, I couldn't quit my activities or my love of messy life for that goal. Surprisingly; I managed to do a huge set of activities, even more advanced than school years besides attending all classes. But I couldn't change my nature of studying just the last night of exam. Again, I did it & was ranked the first in my graduation year. Because it was just for self satisfaction, I didn't pursuit any academic post & hence didn't apply for post grad. Studies or being entitled as university professor.

After all these years, I'm still confused between what's more enjoyable? The careless laid back life which gives a great sense of adventures & coolness, or the ideal perfect one which gives you a great image and future. personally I enjoyed both & never regret trying the careless style, I'd rather regret if I finished school without messing around & annoying my teachers.

A question for everyone reading this: What you personally prefer? & honestly which style of life you lead or used to & then changed?

Are you the Sisiter of A. or R.?:D

ciao,

Aries Year

2007-03-10T11:31:00.000+02:00

Recently I'm proud of my self, feeling like having the best luck ever since years.
I've been nominated by key figures to join certain department although I'm already in a fascinating one. It was hard to decide which to choose. Since any of the two departments is the dream of any employee. I'd this luxury to be nominated and head hunted by the managers of the latter department requiring me personally to join their team while the first department is already satisfied with my work.
I decided eventually to choose the second since it is better and wide exposure, kind of connecting & communicating with all the company's departments, being deeply involved in the core work and decision making.Finacially wise, it is double time in grade and salary, so was easy decision.
I'm more flattered for the process itself, I've to admit I'm a spoiled kid in the company. Simply I didn't apply in those two fascinating vacancies like others, managers nominated me for each department & here it goes. This makes me think: am I really good!! Why all those people consider me amazingly qualified while I feel I'm a loser compared to the old buddies who shined here & abroad.

Why I'm underestimating myself, or let's say why I don’t see myself as others see me.

I love my job: a word I never imagined to say one day. Last Wednesday was my first day in the new department. It sounds so promising & interesting. Usually I'm getting bored quickly so this is one reason why I'm happy in the new place, as a change after 4 months in my previous job. Also, the team has very qualified people with whom I'll learn a lot. They're friendly, cool, socially intelligent & very experienced in the field. One of them is my class when joining the company, the second I know since university years as we used to be delegates in the political models, whether at AUC or FEPS, and he's also the friend of a good friend of mine whom I met 2 years ago. The third girl is my favorite manager's cousin who impressively supports me, the fourth is a decent guy with whom I used to work in joined campaigns & he talks so high of me while introducing to anyone. All in all, the whole area thinks high of me as a high profile about whom they get a tremendous feed back & recommendation from senior managers. Above all is my favorite manager who again opened the door for me to this place by his nomination & everyone else supports just hearing my name. I never imagined I'm having that great reputation here to the extent that senior managers interfere to facilitate the process & get me in as head hunting. I feel so good when key figures come to talk with my current manager now in my presence about how lucky he's having me in his team now & that I'm a special gift he should cherish It feels awesome when people say " So you're R. we hear about" whenever I'm introduced to anyone in the campus

Funny accident: 7 months ago, I worked in a one week campaign with my department now. My current manager watched me in the closing meeting & after that a manager told me that when he saw me after words, he told her "who ever her manager is, he's very lucky having her". I think he should now commit to his words back then. :P.

A new era started: lots of tasks, loads, responsibilities, but loads of experience, fun, friends, and success. I'm ready to go, to crash through or crash. It's my year.

song of the day: Fly me to the Moon

My music on Blog ,,horaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

2007-03-08T12:06:00.000+02:00

Dream comes true

Now I can run my favorite music on my blog for me to enjoy & for readers to have better thing than reading my nonsense :)

Needless to say: Savage Garden's I knew I loved you is the first & best .....Enjoooooooooooy

This song is for y0u. y0u know that.

Happily,
R.

Tagged by Juka ,,I tag You

2007-03-06T14:40:00.000+02:00

thanks to Juka for the interesting tag. Here I go great FEPS friend.:D

Section 1 - Last 1s?

1. last beverage? Schweppes Creme Soda
2. last phone call? My Favorite Manager
3. last instant message? Team colleague asking if my favorite manager showed up or not yet.
4. last cd played? A running-on now playlist, Sinatra's My Way is on now.
5. last time you cried? during sort of confrontation with my favorite manager.

Section 2 - 6 Have You Evers:

1. dated someone twice? yes
2.been cheated on? yes
3. kissed someone & regretted it? No
4. lost someone special? Yes
5. been depressed? yeah alot, latest was few days ago
6. been drunk and threw up? No, I don't drink either

Section 3 - List 3 Favourite Colors

1. White
2. Yellow
3. Blue "all shades"

Section 4 - This month have you ( 6-2 till 6-3-07)

1. Made a new friend? No, I'm chained in same circle
2. Fallen out of love? yes, but was during same month last year ,"sodfa zarifa bardo" :)
3. Laughed until you cried? Yes, was with Y., D., & T. in the car
4. Met someone who changed your life? Yes. in addition to my favorite manager & Y, G's sick auntie who indirectly made me decide to donate blood from now on,something i faught against since 6 years. it's different when it comes to people you care about.
5. Found out who your true friends were? more assured bas
6. Is there something you want to tell someone?many people. My sisters: you're the most important people in my life & I really love & can't live without you
My favorite manager: I owe you alot, will never forget you.
7. Would you kiss anyone on your top friends? No
8. How many people on your top friends do you know in real life? all
9. How many kids do you want to have? wala wa7ed (none), if necessary: only one girl.
10. Do you have any pets? No, used to have birds but hated them so I opened the cage for them to get outta my face.

Section Five - What Else

1. Do you wanna change your name? Never, I love its uniqueness & distinguishment. Rare case,mesh keda ;)?
2. What did you do for your last birthday? Friends, gifts,Cinnamon. First day to meet my favorite manager whose b-day same day. di sodfa sa3ida gedan gedan:)
3. What time did you wake up today? 7:10 am (snif snif)
4.What were you doing at midnight last night? woke up on 10 minutes phone call then collapsed
5. Name something you CANNOT wait for? Moving to new house, learning driving, and driving Jeep, traveling the whole world specially the unconquered places.
6. Last time you saw your father? two months ago
7. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? not losing that special someone whom I already lost.
8.What are you listening to right now? Amr Diab's " Aghib Aghib"
9. Have you ever talked to Tom? No, ma7asalish el Sharaf :P
10. Have you ever talked about someone behind their back? Yeah, bel habal, the core of my outings,heheheheheh
11. What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone? my sister's Jeans
12. Who’s getting on your nerves right now? the comapny's new hiring policy/criteria, our move to the new house
13. Most visited webpage? gmail, blogs, wikipedia, World Bank
14. Coke or Pepsi? Pepsiiiii
15. Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past week? Does kissing on hands count? :P
16.Mac or PC? Mac

wooooooow, long but worth it. Thanks again Juka.

I tag every on i'm linking to his blog here on the left.Namely: Sabrina akid :P, Mak el maghrour, Mystery, alluring,Merima,Lucie the twins, Safsata, Fadfadation, eyewitness, & anyone has the guts.

koky is laready tagged fa balash:P

ciao,

Ra333333d

Welcome my sis. the Blogger

2007-03-03T13:26:00.000+02:00

I'd the most loaded week ever since months & thank God it just ended two days ago.I was feeling so stressed that any slight thing away from work would make me better, like a shower, a fruit juice, or just laying awake on my bed. Now i'm enjoying 3 weekend days.

Ok, good news: my oldest sister is a blogger now: Sabrina is her blogger's name. Her start reminded me of my plain posts when i started, no wonder, may be one day she'll be a good blogger or just fed up of the whole thing like Lucie's sis cramp twins :)

Ok I lied, it's not a good news, actually it's a complicated feeling. I'm officially revealed now to my family, they formally know my blog & link to it. This made me think: would this put some restrictions/pressure on my posts? taking into consideration my oldest sis is watching here.

same prob. Sid el me3alemeen faced when his sis found out about his blog, while mystery willingly introduced her mom to that world. I applaude her courage.

for me, I'm wavering between both stages: sometimes I feel there's no problem in my sis. being here & other time it gives me uneasy feeling.

some months ago, this'd have been a total problem because basically my sisters didn't know manythings about me and there were alot of secrets I wanted to blog about without them knowing, regardless of their many requests to view my blog & my insistence on keeping it just for myself. Today, obviously my relation with them became more open & intimate, we started talking about each and everything running in our life. When I felt uneasy with my sis announcing herself a blogger, I went through my blog and read its posts, trying to see which of them I won't like her to read. Surprisingly, I found nothing to hide as she already knows about it all & may be she'll find it boring to read it again.

So whether you welcome your family in your private space or no mainly depends on how open you're with them or how much you even like them to know about you. At least that's the case for me.

The only problem for me now is may be my sis will invite her friends to read for her & this way the'll find their way to me through the link. I finally reached an acceptance stage of my sis, but no way here to accept her friends knwoing all this about me. For them , I'm their friend's sister whom they meet when visiting home & barely know where I work, so I can't give them all that info about me freely.Therefore, I've to change my display name :( so that if they stop by, they won't know it's me. Sadly I've to change my name after all those months proudly carrying it. I don't feel happy for that as i always liked my name, but it's the only way to keep my secrets for myself in this new phase,to stay annonymous freely writing about whatever. Thanks to my sister for doing this to me. How wicked & unfair sisters could be!! (kidding)

so any syggestions for my new name!!

N.B:my sister will read this. Oh my God, how more revealing it could be :(

forget to say...... welcome on board my luvely luvely Sister. :)

Hate Your Loved One

2007-02-20T15:00:00.000+02:00

In reference to D's story with her ex, I came to think of my past relations & its end: was it a total separation, friends or enemies.

Let's first state the fact I don't easily fall in love & actually all my relations didn’t start as love, but simply dear friends with whom I enjoyed years/months of special friendship which turn at some point to liking/love/attraction. In this final phase, I only spent few weeks/ months by maximum till everything is just over. This proves I can't mange intimate relations as good as friendly ones.

After breaking up, we either forget about each other & never talk again because one of us doesn’t feel comfortable shifting back from love to friendship or we keep a friendly level of dealing because we still appreciate that special friend we find in each other. The best example for the back – to – friends' relation is T., the American-German-Lebanese guy, who honestly and respectfully enough announced 3 months after traveling back to his home country he can't continue having a relation with someone he won't see for 3 years & he doesn't want to cheat so it's better to break up. Till now we're friends & we really feel good chatting on line, smsing, or calling. I'll definitely meet him whenever he visits Egypt again equally as he will do when I visit the States. Consequently, I will never turn my face against anyone with whom I'd sort of emotional connection if one day we met by chance.

Therefore, I never came to understand why some partners turn to enemies who keep attacking each in whatever occasion or wherever they cross roads, why they remember each in a bad way and keep criticizing. For me it was once good feelings and since we managed one day to have it, it's hard to carry the opposite negative hatred next day if we're not meant to be. May be I've better luck by always breaking up in good terms, for respectable reasons and with mature guys. May be none of the guys hurt me by the way or the reasons for leaving?

How come lovers turn to enemies?
Do you hate someone now who once was your lover?

N.B: thanks to Lucie for inspiring me through her comment on D's Ex post.

D's Ex

2007-02-17T16:32:00.000+02:00

I've nothing in my head but still have this urge to write.

May be I'll talk about the one I love forever and even after, no I must remember I'm not allowed to.

May be I'll write about someone I've close relation with now, he's the closest male to me recently, but we can't have A relation, I can write about the reasons why not. I won't because he may be following my blog.

I'll talk about my favorite manager and how intimately he's treating me recently, that intimacy which drives me crazy: has he decided to consider me a close friend or his little sister so he is dealing easily and so openly now or is he having some feelings of that kind I know? I won't write about this either because I and my readers are fed up of this sick complicated story.

In fact I've nothing special running at my work to tell here.

One last thing: My friend D. found out ,among the people I'm conducting training for now to join the company, is her ex. I didn’t recognize him for two weeks as I saw him only once a year ago for 10 minutes. She asked me to find a way out to not accept him in the company & fire him because she won't feel comfortable with him being around & he is a threat to her.She claims he'll collect info about her and her fiance & then threaten her life. The guy professionally is good and there was no valid reason to fire him. I asked myself one question: regardless of his being her ex. Do I have any reason not to accept him? The answer was no. I didn't doubt my decision for a minute. Firing a person and being the reason for losing his job is not the kind of favor I give to my friends or to anyone on earth.
I wonder if the decision was for any other person, would he do that for his/her friend. Would he plot some reasons to satisfy that request & fire the guy?

I dealt with the guy normally for two weeks and we'd that friendly trainer-trainee relation. He wasn't by any means a nasty or trouble maker guy. The day she recognized him & told me: I kept staring at him unbelieving he's that guy she kept telling horrible stories about how manipulative boyfriend he 's. for some minutes I felt uneasy to look or have talk with him. He knows from the start I'm his ex's friend but still he was dealing normally. I guess on that day, he felt only then I realized who he really is. I can sense the meaning of that smile I saw in his face. He definitely sensed the change especially with me calling him by his first name for the first time in 2 weeks instead of the nickname he prefers.

However, it only took me few minutes of uneasiness. At the end, he is a potential employee & I should judge him accordingly. The guy passed the training period successfully and he started his work now. I finished my job with all fairness I can. It's not my business whether he'll continue or not, whether he'll harm D. through working at same place, or just let the past go. I did what I think is right & I don't think I betrayed the friendship we've. I'm proud of myself.

to A.

2007-02-14T23:46:00.000+02:00

I don’t believe in valentine but I've some valentine's-related stories that I feel like writing about:
1- One of my birthdates is 14/2. Though it's not the real but it's the one stated in all my official Egyptian documents

Valentine 2006:
I'd a normal work day on which I was wearing beige pants and it rained on that day. I'd a full work day though theoretically I was loved at that time by A. who didn’t call me for few weeks before valentine. However, I thought he would romantically send me a surprise rose/s at work specially it's two roads distant from where he lives. In the afternoon, he called saying:

A.: Happy valentine R., why didn't you check on me though I'm having a severe flu?

Me: thanks, simply because I was severely sick too expecting you to care about me as you knew it and you didn't. So I called to see what's wrong & I found you going to get tickets for African Cup final with your friends. Till now I can't figure a reason out for not checking on me A.

A.: I forgot, but any way, I miss you, I love you R.

Me: long silence……………….We need to talk.

A friend of mine told me when a girl says " we need to talk, she means one of two things:
a- you need to take a serious step in our relation "marry me"
b- it's not working out, we've to break it up.

He's right in this hypothesis as he is usually. Yes I did mean one of those two, and clearly I meant the latter: it's not working and we need to call this off.

I told him I'll call after work to talk, but in fact I didn't call after I finished on that day and I didn't call at any other day. I decided to call it off and did it all alone.

I feel so much guilt since then, not because of losing him because it wasn't meant to be anyways, but because I didn't give him his right in having explanation/reason for my disappearance. Some times I excuse myself by saying even if I didn’t., he should've called if he cared about knowing what I "needed to talk about", he didn't care and I didn't feel after hanging up he deserves any more time or effort, I didn't feel I want to contact him again even if for announcing break up. I was too pissed off & frustrated of his ignoring and carelessness.

That was my feeling, but after cooling down, only sense of guilt left, I changed my mobile number twice and deleted his number after that call. I didn’t care till recently. I challenged my memory to remember his number & tried them all but were wrong ones, I tried all numbers similar to his but no avail. So the only hope is to meet him by chance as what happened when we were back second time after first break up. This time I won't accept being back if he offered, I just need to get rid of that guilt and tell him my reasons, explain and treat him as a person who loved me. may be I'm dramatizing but I feel I was so mean to him even if he deserves, but actually I don’t like same to happen to me one day. I hope we cross road once again so that I can do it.

In case it didn’t happen, here's what I wanted to talk about:

A. I'm sorry for disappearing without clarifying, I know it won't work out due to total miscommunication and carelessness of you, but I owe you an explanation, I'm sorry for not loving you as you did, I gave myself a second chance but it didn't work as well. I'm grateful for how you loved me, how you loved for all those months regardless of my rejection, but it was out of my hand. May be you didn't love as truly as I wanted. May be you thought so but you didn’t act as such. We couldn’t be together because simply we've nothing to talk about whenever we meet, you keep listening to music and I'm looking from window or talking on phone. We couldn't be together because you strangely asked me to visit you at your home many times and got angry when I refused as if I'm talking nonsense, we couldn't be together because you never appreciated what I do in my life, you never shared.it hurt me deeply when you didn't show any care when I spent a whole week sick at home while you were having fun with your friends, you didn't call for couple of weeks though you knew I was sick, you forgot how I was calling you million times a day while you were sick just two weeks before I was to check whether you were eating, getting medication, sleeping well or not. We couldn't be together because love for you meant being physically intimate and you never understood or respected my reasons for objecting. We couldn't be together because I couldn't love you no matter how hard I tried.

For all these reasons, we had to break up. Still I owe you not saying all that before turning our page, for acting alone in something concerns both of us, for changing my number and deleting yours before doing so. I hope you forgive me and understand my frustration and feeling of self-unworthiness for how bad you treat me, I felt I was nothing to you and I couldn’t bear it because simply I'm not used to be so.I'm wondering how come you said you love me even when i don't & you didn't make your best when i gave you a chance afterwords, i'm still wondering how your words contradicted your acts.

Happy valentine's day to you
R.

Bliss in disguise

2007-02-11T18:38:00.000+02:00

Y. my best friend said " remember that it's always for the best of you & definitely God is keeping something better for you, don't be sad"

she said that when I sms'd her that G. - our 3rd close friend- isn't accepted in the vacancy she applied for & i don't know how to tell her.She was expecting a feedback from me as i promised, but it's hard to be the bad news messenger specially for your close friends. When telling her, she got too upset coz she can't take her current post anymore & she really needed to move out. she was waiting for that new post as a saving from the shit she's in since a year and a half now. I spent long time and so much effort trying to make things easier & cheer her up. it was hard specially with Y. being in U.S. so i've to do the whole support alone. Things were harder especially with other terrible things occuring in G's personal life: her aunt in I.C.U. after a cancer surgery,detriorating relation with her boyfriend and her request for taking a break.

Today an internal vacancy was sent which perfectly suits her as recommended by many managers since she joind the company.today they're recruiting and she's over the moon for that.the area manager actually told her two days ago he will send this vacancy & he does want her in person for that job, so she has great confidence to have it. She was rejected in a vacancy she just pursuit as an escape from her boring job to have a better chance in a one that really suits her & at which she'll shine & enjoy. Today her aunt was admitted out of the I.C.U. , her status is improving and moved to a normal room.
this typically describes what Y. said few days ago, it's always for the best of us even if it's a bliss in disguise. Never regret losing something, hold on and wait for the better, sooner or later, it will come.

Who's Che?

2007-02-10T21:14:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I went to S.O.S concert and had great time with all those friends I met by chance there. I enjoyed the most Fathy Salama, Iftekasat and Wust El Balad. To the latter I narrate my today story here. While Wust El Balad was playing my favorite song "Che Guevara", I kept on singing loudly and with all enthusiasm the lyrics of that lovely song specially when mentioning the guy's name "Che Guevara, Che Guevara, Che Guevara". I love that song indeed and I really applaud that talented band for making a song for that man.

However, I've couple of guys standing behind me and the following conversation occurs:

Guy1: who's that guy whom this girl keeps screaming his name out?
Guy2 (deeply thinking): hmmmmm, I don't know, but the song mentions words like "freedom, liberation,poverty", so I guess this guy has something to do with revolution or so.
Guy1: so he's a revolutionist right?
Guy2 (turning from the guessing to confident, know-it all tone): yes he was a revolutionary leader in his country because he doesn't like the political regime at that time.
Guy1: and what happened at the end?
Guy2: I can't remember exactly either he was executed or imprisoned. His name by the way says he's Russian. I'm sure of this.

Isn't this hilarious and irritating at same time?

The guy is totally making up a whole story simply because of this Egyptian complex the society suffers from: We Egyptians Can't Say I Don't Know. As if it's a shame not knowing something & it's better to invent anything to sound as knowledgeable people. We all experience similar situations, especially when asking about road directions. I never ever met someone who told me he doesn't know the direction I'm asking about & this ends up in getting lost for long time because of the precious advice.

"Thanks guys, keep your mouth shut when it should be"

Particularly Che Guevara's situation makes me question the wide purchase level of staff related to Guevara in Egypt. You can see many guys putting his poster at the back of their cars, having his photo printed on their wallets, mugs, and T-Shirts. Who those guys think he's when they willingly buy those staff with his photo printed on? Do they really know who he is? Or they just follow the trend to be "cool", or may be they just think he's a guy with an adorable haircut.

Damn superficiality.

Developing a good friendly relation with H. due to his problem with G.

2007-02-07T12:41:00.000+02:00

The story starts when H called me two days ago to check how my interview went, I asked how he feels now as I know he was down recently and didn't like to tell me the reasons. But yesterday I felt he is willing to talk, actually he wanted me to ask him so that he can vent it out
Just asking he revealed what I expected, he fell in love with the famous loved G., and when telling her, she replied she can't give answer & doesn't know what to say as she's committed now & he already knows. The guy felt so depressed and actually shocked. He claimed she repeatedly encouraged him and was acting in a way of " say it man" as he literally told me. She many times acted and hinted she likes him and that she is expecting him to respond. After all that, she just freaked out and left him in a fix. He decided to get away for awhile till deciding of their future relation and whether he can bear just being friends.

I was to meet her yesterday for lunch coz I was depressed and she wanted to cheer me up. She invited him over too and we went out together with the best fun & we had real great time .however, I'm still thinking why this happened and I don’t know if she is playing a certain game or just trying to be friends as before. Is she again that G. who doesn’t exactly know what she wants so she sometimes back off and others go along with this liking. What makes me negate this thought is the fact she already know H is totally out of context compared to her current boyfriend. H is really cute & kind hearted but again her boyfriend matches her perfectly.

We're rotating in that dilemma of not knowing what we really want, seems like a characteristic of my group who doesn’t appreciate what they have and even look out for something else or lamenting over the lost ones with whom we broke up. A friend advised to set my priorities in a partner so that it will help keeping me focused & getting rid of those out of the criteria

Shopping fever: all of sudden I headed a shopping mall though I was supposed to be home preparing for a presentation interview next day. But who can stop a girl with a shopping fever. First I abide by the list I wrote down for staff I need to buy, however the moment I finished them, I was back to my core nature of getting what I like even if being unnecessary at the time being. Honestly, I was happy at the end and in such a good mood for getting all those nice staff who surprisingly fitting perfectly. Usually I do the best shopping when I don't mean or need it urgently. I don’t regret spending over my shopping budget coz the result is so amazing.

i wrote this nonsense coz i was dying to blog , about anything,so forgive it :)

Tagged by Mak

2007-02-04T01:17:00.000+02:00

Having the honor of being tagged by the weirdo who doesn't drive.Apology for not sticking to five,seems i wanted to reveal more abt me,if u dont mind Mak:).

so here it goes, things you didn't know about me:

1- While talking, I can't look someone in the eyes, only when i listen
2- I hate make up though I have to wear
3- I play yoga
4- I've a phobic subconscious fear of high speed driving and any other driving- related risks to the extent it paralyzes my acts. I can't help but closing my eyes
5- I fear injections same way like driving
6- I was a volunteer in a suicidal line NGO
7- Old men get attracted to me
8- I read English magazines from right to left & the opposite occurs with Arabic ones.
9- I like mixing different soda "pepsi, 7 UP , etc"tastes in one drink
10- I enjoy biting the plastic cups' edges and straws
11- I'd my first presentation attended by 300 people from all over the world, headed by the World Bank president. Surprisingly, went amazing & he applauded me
12- I didn't prepare for it & I even show up 30 minutes late as I over slept.
13- My first date was when i was 22 old.
14- I visited red light district in Amsterdam

thanks Mak for the chance of remembering my secrets.

it's now the turn of my favorite bloggers, if they won't mind ofcourse:

- Mystery,Juka, sid el me3alemeen, Gilgamish, Darsh safsata "to be killed", eyewitness, lucie the twins, merima, alluring. and anyone intersted ofcourse ,let me know to read urs.

ciao,

Do you love your wife?

2007-02-03T11:51:00.000+02:00

I have the worst week ever since long time. Three days ago, I was totally feeling ,,,,how to describe it , down, disappointed, disgusted, on edge, aggressive, sad and suicidal. Yes it's been like three years now since I ever thought f killing myself. But for the last three days, I was totally haunted by the idea of hang man , seeing myself hang in a rope so helpless & peaceful. I was too close to finish everything.

For the rarest time in my life, I was totally rude, arrogant, aggressive & careless of people's feelings, every one I meet whether at work, family or friends are counted in the bad treatment, even people at shops. I was totally treating everyone bad without any fault they commit. The hard thing is I was aware of the rudeness & aggressiveness I do but I didn't care at all. I screamed at the face of everyone, talked rudely to everyone comes in my way and ignored everyone. No body managed to help me get out of the shit I was in no matter how they tried; mainly they were my good friend K. and my favorite manager who did all things to get me out of it either by talking about what concerns me or by distracting with other issues. He stayed with me for 3 hours and called for other 3 or 4 hours in another day. Actually I felt better while being with him and I thought it will last, but the moment I leave, I just get chained back in the dark mood. But at least he gave me few happy hours.

Now I'm much better than those days, less aggressive, down or silent. Now I've a big mission to carry out, I should apologize for all those who bear me during my worst state. Above them are my two lovely sisters especially the oldest who really beard a lot during that time without complaining or killing me for being that mean. When I acted in that terrible way, she was just smoothing and looking at me as if asking "what's wrong with you, can you calm down?" I don't know what I could do with out such amazing sisters. I'll apologize for them with a nice present for how great they were.
I can't find the people I met randomly at the shopping mall yesterday & at which I screamed or treated meanly, I really feel guilty about how snobbishly and aggressively I was with them, I hope they forgive.

Today is my favorite manager's daughter B-Day & I'm invited. I got her a cute gift that took me long time to choose yesterday and everyone helped through suffered a lot. Usually I'm so picky & difficult when choosing for people I care about. My sisters bet it won't be that difficulteven if I was shopping for my daughter. But this is my favorite manager and I definitely should care.

I feel like getting new staff & actually there are so many nice things nowadays at my favorite shops. The problem with me is I get what attracts not what I need. it ends up with me so satisfied and my wallet so empty with a finacial crisis at the first days of the month. My friends advised me a lot to go shopping with a list ahead of what I really need, this will help me focus & not just getting every nice thing I see. I've to try it this time.

I need also to watch some movies & my sister will help me through because she wants to watch Prestige.

Yesterday at the mall, my youngest sister met my oldest sister's ex by chance. They chatted for awhile about his life & family till his new girl friend came whom he introduced to my sister. She told my oldest about it and I don't think she is fine hearing that. I guess this is for her good so she starts getting totally over him.

I asked my favorite manager the following:

Me: Do you love your wife ?
Him: yes
Me: didn't you love other girls before her ?
Him: sure
Me: regarding any of them, Have you ever thought you can love any one except her in your life?
Him: at this time no.
Me: so how you knew you really love your wife now and you're totally over this ex.
Him: because I got many second chances to be with her and I didn't. Only then I realized that what is not meant to be yours once, can't be yours anytime after that.

Doesn't this sound so logical?

Free Hugs, isn't that touching!!

2007-01-27T16:43:00.000+02:00

Watch that awesome Video. If You were a police, would you ban this ?

http://www.freehugscampaign.org/

"Sometimes, a hug is all what we need. Free hugs is a real life controversial story of Juan Mann, A man whos sole mission was to reach out and hug a stranger to brighten up their lives. In this age of social disconnectivity and lack of human contact, the effects of the Free Hugs campaign became phenomenal.As this symbol of human hope spread accross the city, police and officials ordered the Free Hugs campaign BANNED. What we then witness is the true spirit of humanity come together in what can only be described as awe inspiring."

Free True Hug from me to everyone reading this :)

N.B: thanks to Soha :my highschool's role model

I like Couples

2007-01-27T16:25:00.000+02:00

Actually I enjoy watching people specially my couple friends. This is to figure out the commonality between them, why they get together ,what attracts each in the other. The conclusion from the long observation is no matter how different couples sound to be, there's at least one point they share, one thing that makes them feel they're too good for each other.

Some examples are :
A & M are committed now. I found out both like to exaggerate or fantasize about different things, mainly about how important & valuable they're in society. One of the stories is M's brother works with me so M & I were talking about some business issues when I found A. narrating a story about how she's a premium client in our company & how she has been mistreated once though she was calling for her right. I know our company doesn't offer what she claims to be "her right" so I questioned back trying to give her the benefit of doubt but she insisted. I didn't like to embarrass her coz she is a real sweet person.M interrupts her to tell us another series of similar stories about the authority he has through his brother which gives him many privileges. For their bad luck may be or my good luck, such stories can pass easily except if they're told to someone who works at the same place & knows exactly how things go there.. I never challenged their stories, actually I leave that mission to her sister who always reveals the truth, how wicked can little sisters be.

2- D & M: both are self-centered, demanding & like to talk all the time un listening even if they pretend to. I thought it's difficult for both partners to similarly want to talk only & not listen, someone should do the other job, but experiment proves the opposite, they match perfectly. They're that type of couples when you see, you can't help but say " a7san Fihom/ yestahlo" instead of mabroook. Each is the fair punishment for the other.

3- B & J : come to the sweetest example: both share the sweetness & loving for all around, they share tolerance to hatred & jealousy, unlimited confidence in each other & wonderful understanding to each demands. I enjoy seeing them discussing their future plans, letting each other have his own time with other friends, welcoming other people to join without making them feel they disturb their intimacy. Just wonderful. May be coz they're not Arabs

Most of my learning is not through schools or books or even personal experiences, it's the collective outcome of what I watch & hear. This is the benefit of having wide eyes and big ears " not features akid , at least the latter :)

Let all couples enjoy each, whether a7san lihom or a7san fihom :P

To Sid El M3alimiiiin ;)

2007-01-23T21:27:00.001+02:00

Just a special note to thank awy awy awy my favorite friend Kareem who helped me in having a list of my favorite Bloggers as clickable links as well as teaching me the HTML.
Whenever you look at ur names at the left column, remember it was Sid El M3alimin sincere help that makes it reality , without making me feel i'm that stupid, without making technology my own defect.
Teslamly Ya Sid El M3alimin ) I know i'm not a fast learner

Something you never knew

2007-01-21T00:16:00.000+02:00

I hate being mean but i played a game with a friend. In fact it started like a game but ended with an emotional crisis

A dear friend to whom I didnt talk since months just called today and while asking about me; we were just teasing each other, he mentioned how he always liked & respected me but never had the chance to say it. I asked what prevented you but he started mocking me. So i challenged him by saying ok you hid it till you lost me as I got married now. I thought it will pass like our previous provocative words but it didn't as he kept asking me if it really happened , to swear it did, when , who & why i didnt tell him.

i liked the game and kept confirming the fact i'm married now, so he said we can't talk now though he needed to talk to me alot. I stressed that my " husband" is flexible and accepts my male friends but he said it won't be the same like when i wasn't married.

The worst part was when he told me the following :

Him: Mabrook "congrats" R., you desreve the best, you're so beautiful and I knew you would marry soon

Me" trying to tease him": who said i'm beautiful?

Him: I always say you're beautiful inside and outside

Me: but you never said so, you used to step over my shoes and treat me like your male buddy

Him laughing : i know , but i was also calling in the same night to apologize and make sure you're not mad at me.

ME: yes true, i remember your caring calls to make me forgive you

Him: last day, i remembered how i was rude to you once, though i called to apologize after it, but when i remembered i regret treating you not as well as i always felt.May be that's why i called today, to make it up for you.

Me: i never get mad at you , actually i enjoyed our boyish joking and you were nice to me whenever we met

Him: I wish i could've told you before how much i liked & respected you, but it's just we met in the wrong place at the wrong time, if we'd have met in a different context, seriously things would have been different. I always liked and respected you too much , I always considered you special,even if i never showed it, but i always wanted to get closer to you. As much as i'm happy for your marriage, but i'm sad we never had a chance before to talk truly. I always wished to meet you away from our friends over a cup of coffee in the morning, to talk with you longer on phone. I guess if i'd such a chance, may be things would've been different now.

Me "thoughtfully": yeah who knows

Him: I'm sure your husband is lucky having such a special person like you, you deserve all the best & i'm sure he is.

Me: thanks alot, wish you also the best
Him: won't be better than you.any way mabroook begad
Me: allah yebarek fik, wish the same for you

i'm not worried about correcting the marraige thing as it's the easiest part. I'm just surprised how people can let something they consider special go out of their hands and then finding out how precious it was after losing it?. why people can't value their loved ones when they still have them? why theyknow the value after losing them? why that guy didn't have the courage to express his feelings before & why he can now ?

what shall i do now after knowing how he feels towards me? specially after revealing the truth im not married, how shall i treat him after what he said? shall I forget what he said? or shall i act accordingly ?. I remember now his caring calls to apologize when he misbehaves or exceeds with the boyish behavior, how he always complemented my voice, style, personality and how he enjoyd my company, how he always told me i'm his favorite among all our friends.

i'm so confused and surprised for what i heared today. i never imagined that guy could've any feelings to me, is it true that there're some people who truly love you but you never know? or you know hen it's too late.

i wonder how he feels now .

Reasons why I can't get married

2007-01-20T02:49:00.001+02:00

- I can't share bed with anyone
- I hate all types of house work, except for cooking
- I never come home on time as I promise, always far late.
- I joyfully accept sudden & unplanned outings & join on the spot
- I hate family gatherings
- I hate kids unjustified screams
- I hate raising children up or taking care of them. Only play and talk with them if this counts as motherhood.
- Till now I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with one person. How can I stop flirting with all those cute guys I meet everyday? Unless I'll be blind.
- I get bored easily
- I hate having company at home; I can't bear it when my brothers are around. My sisters are exception
- At home, I prefer spending most of time alone at my room sleeping, listening to music or talking on phone. Still I love the funny chat with my sisters, watching T.V. & eating together
- My room is a huge mess
- On my bed: there's me with a laptop, music, mobile, drinks and chocolate. So no place for another person. I enjoy this deeply so I don't think I will accept changing them for the sake of a stranger who needs a space or some neatness, or strangely calls for that difference between bed place & office.
- I love my sisters & brothers more than anyone on earth, even if not showing this or spending enough time with.
- I can't cook for different tastes, I can cook only what I love
- I love traveling, I travel & will travel a lot
- I have a busy life, with lots of interests
- I love spending lots of time out
- I can't stop knowing my favorite male friends
- I'm too jealous, picky, demanding & idealistic
- I appreciate the beauty giving of life, including various interesting men
- I fear commitment and failure
- When it comes to partners, my choices are not the best
- I can't settle down for the typical house wife life, there are other interesting things to be done and lived through
- I'm not a typical Egyptian girl, no one managed to really understand my complexities so far.
- I didn't find someone who can convince me of the opposite.

Unfinished Story

2007-01-19T19:04:00.000+02:00

"She said "I can't get over him, I'm just tired of trying and failing, I really can't & I know I can't live that way but I still can't"

You can't because deep inside you don't want to, there is that conflict between your live emotions to him & you mental decision to accept the fact it didn't work & is over now.

With eyes filled of tears " I can't live that tortured anymore, actually I can't have a life while being in that state, I'm unable to have any relation with any man when his memory is haunting me, I don't want to forget about him and I know it's impossible now to be together .I'm a weak soul tortured in love, why it happened from the start."

Because it has to happen one day

"But this one changed my life, I became chained in his love, I even don't want to get away from it, I just love being there."

This is insane, you just decided to freeze your life and stop it at the edge of being with him, while he is moving on and might be leading a new life with a new girl now

"Because I truly love him, may be he didn't"

If he didn't love you as truly as you do, so logically he didn't deserve your hopeless devotion

"When I loved, I didn't expect a return back, I just love Him"

If so, accept your unreturned love now and don't complain

"I don't but don't you also ask me to get over him"

You chose to destroy your life, I tried to help.

"I couldn't help myself"

This is going no where, this is what they call "madly in love", it is not by any means a sane behavior, enjoy the torture sweetie

"What goes around comes around; he was in the same situation I'm in now, but with another girl"

Was he happy then?

"At all, he was always telling me about how he suffers and how it's humiliating"

And what you advised then?

"I told him she doesn't deserve his love since she doesn't care to give it back and for his dignity, he should walk away."

Look who's talking

"That was different, it was one-sided love, unlike us; he loved me".

But this love didn't prevent him from leaving you.

"Yes"

So…

"This is so weird, before it was so easy to get over a relation and even be in another one within months, but it has been almost a year now since he left & I can't start anew"

You said he's different & it's true, but this doesn't mean killing yourself for unfulfilled love

The story remains endless throughout the years, as long as there's love, fate, will, choice, pain and relative happiness, the story will remain unfinished because its end differs according to its heroes, their time, will, fate, love and their choice of its ending.

To be lived ever,, and even after……

First or Second Chance

2007-01-15T23:28:00.000+02:00

For God Sake I don't wanna change
People sometimes force me to change to suit their evil mean acts. I don't mean I'm angel but for my core nature as R., I'm a straightforward & spontaneous person who just does what she feels and acts directly. Some people now led me to be that type of plotting wicked girl who plans ahead and acts totally against my nature.

One of the examples just happened today when I called a friend to find him not in a mood, almost down but we couldn't talk about it coz he was busy working. I decided to call after work to see what disturbs him. When I did, I got the shitty slap I never ever had in my life. That's how it went , not exactly but as far as I remember in my so frustrated state now:

Me: hey ,what's wrong

Him: I'm not in a mood since morning

Me: something specific?

Him: No, just being out of mood , is that so strange to be !!

Me "swallowing the rude reaction": ok ok take it easy , & I started another lighter issue to cheer him up

Him "interrupting suddenly" : what you want R., leave me to sleep a bit , bye now

Me: since when you started to say bye while I'm not done with my talks?

Him: since you refuse to hang up when I want

Me: guess what! It's my mistake to care about you & call to see what's wrong & try to cheer you up

Him: it's me ba2a, what can you do about it, then (his tone got so nervous) why people ask me to cheer up &get out of my down mood just by them asking me to?, why don't you just leave me to handle this myself, I like to be me2aryef " out of mood" till I get out of it? Ok . byyyyyyye R.

Me: ok, it's my mistake ,bye

Him: bye

I hang up, or correctly speaking, I was forced to by someone who makes me feel I'm so nosy intruder who interrupts his peace & interferes in his own life that he can manage by his own.
No excuses for such a rude response, no one tells me he was out of mood & doesn't mean what he said then. I can definitely differentiate between uncontrolled reaction or a natural true ingratitude or un appreciation. I didn't expect gratitude as I was just doing what I feel is right & what I always do with my friends ,but surely I don't expect such cold rudeness.

I'm really sad, I don't want anything but some respect, I was really caring to listen to what annoys him & try to help, he was so dear to me that I didn't want to let him feel bad alone when I thought I can help. Such people really lead me to start acting carefully & this is something against my nature: planning, plotting, & girlish games are not my nature, but to tell the truth they work perfectly & bring wonders to girls who do it. I've a friend who knows how to handle guys by always planning, she has the best relations & all people worship her. May be I hate acting but definitely I won't accept rudeness, no one before dared to do this situation with me & it surprises me now.

I know it's too trivial to talk about here ,but I was too frustrated & disappointed that I needed to get it out, I didn't tell my sisters not to distort his image and also not to hear them telling me again " it's ur fault to treat people well, we told you 100 times guys have to be ignored to be decent, but you're naïve & never learn." I'm too furious & ashamed now to hear any more preaching.

Quote of the Day : They say "Give People a Second chance".F***, Some Don't Even Deserve a First Chance.

First Dance

2007-01-13T22:40:00.000+02:00

"I'm still saving the first dance for the One."
sounds silly romance like those of a soap opera, but seriously I'm.

Throughout travelling to some countries,I've been invited to different parties involving almost all kinds of dances to suit the nationalities of all attendees. In Sarajevo I refused to dance at all till last night which was mainly latino dances.This Ecuadorian guy who'd crush on me insisted on dancing & I couldn't let him down after being that sweet with me for the past 5 days.In Amsterdam,Turkey,Lebanon & Morocco, I became more flexible to join group daning & was one of the most active, but it was all group dances swaying among many people.I Always refused couple dances like salsa & tango,regardless of the strong & irresistible temptation by those unique guys one meets once in a life time, it was always difficult to let down that charming smily Italian, or the tender flexible Brazilian, or the romantic Ecuadorian,the flirt Mexican, American gentleman, or sea-eyed Swedish… etc. The only motivation behind my idiot rejection was my pre-decision to save the first dance for the One I'll spend my life with & since all guys were that irresistible but never lasting type, I refused to give them the honor of the First Dance.

However, now I question that decision: who said that none of those guys were not the one? Who even that idiot & childish to limitize & specify dancing to the partner & make it that sacred though it's just A Dance? Why I made a big thing out of it & made it an issue? Come on it's just a Dance , kinda social activity like chatting or walking.

Again what if after wasting all those unrepeated chances -to dance with those amazing guys & saving it for the One- he turns to be a total loser? More worse, I keep it for the one so whom I'll get married to & then after marriage I found out he is not The One " surprise!!". A friend of mine said the one is not necessarily ur husband/wife, you can get married & find ur true love after that. I find it so true though being liberal. We all do mistakes & partner's choice is at the top of mistakes list.

"The First" doesn't only hint at Dance, I save lots of First things for that one : first dance; kiss; revealing; or secrets. So why saving all those "Firsts" for someone who might not come, or might come disguised in a way I can't recognize, or might look like the One but turns to be the worst . Why not enjoying the present , the Now, the Available?

why cherishing someone that much while he doesn't ? till now I never met that guy who never had that " First " everything with more than one before his partner. All guys I met danced, kissed, got physical, shared secrets..etc & still they happily settle finally with their partners/the Ones with nothing to be blamed for wasting. So why I make my own life hell by putting all that pressure for someone who doesn’t do the same for me?

Today To Do : Start minimizing or even eliminating my list of "First".
Quote of the day: Never make someone your Priority when You're one of his Options.

blog help

2007-01-12T12:59:00.000+02:00

okay , i want to have a hyper link list of my favorite bloggers so i can easily visit them, but I don't know how :(. Can someone tell me easy steps to have it " considering i'm technologically challenged"
thanksssssssssssss

Tagged by Juka

2007-01-11T16:16:00.000+02:00

Being invited among other bloggers by Juka to answer this,here I go:

Looking back at 2006 in a different light.

Best Arabic movie: Yaccobian Building
Best English movie: The Devil wears Prada
Newcomer of the year: Mohamed Adaweya
Album of the year: Elissa's Bastanak
Most played song: I know I loved you by Savage Gardens
Best clip: Shady & Kareem's Yalla ma3 el Salama
Books read and loved: Orientalism by Edward Saeed, Che, 11 Minutes ( I stopped reading actually )

Best outing: Adaweya's concert, New Year party, Coffe Bean & Tea Leaf

Soccer mania: I watched Brazil vs. France World cup match with both Brazillian & French"was fascinating actually" & then i lamented Brazil loss with the the brazillian cutie guy ;) best part about the loss,hehehe

Things I’d never done before:
Travelled to Turkey
Travelled to Lebanon
Travelled to Morocco
Chosen as Woman of 2006 by my training class members
Truly love and painfully break up
Went to stadium
Celebrate the new year
Deal with Israelis
Got the highest grade among all my company
Give training for a huge class
Eating sushi
Attending Galla party & fashion show in Turkey
Dancing with my best friend's boyfriend without causing any hard feelings.
Meeting Fouad El Seniora in an official dinner in Lebanon
Invited by key figure for dinner in Morocco

On the political arena: Hezballah victory, Saddam execution.

thanks Juka for giving me that chance to wrap 2006 up.Continuing the chain, i invite everyone who visits my blog to do the same.

Notes of a Native Daughter

2007-01-07T12:55:00.000+02:00

Notes of a native daughter
Taken originally from James Baldwin's masterpiece " Notes of a Native Son"

My dad & I never had the ideal friendly father-daughter relation. He is the main financial support in childhood, the one who helped often in school home works, specially math and science. But we were not friends. In teenage, he was so far living in another city, coming every now & then loaded with gifts, chocolates and promises of extra personal cash more than I even wanted, and that was one of the main reasons of disagreements with mom, she considered it spoiling to give money without a need or a reason. At the age of 17th, we got closer due to new living arrangement with us. We were more close to be friends, not ideal, but okay. I was the one he confides to, trusts her opinion, with whom he discusses his concerns about my sisters/bros & I acted a lot as ambassador to my sisters as to deliver messages he was unable to, due to the same barriers created during childhood & he failed to overcome later on, at least with them.

At the age of 19th, we're back again to the superficial basic father-daughter relation. We get apart and far again. I missed the intimate relation & caring I got once but It was easy to be back to childhood relation. My dad, like many others of his generation, was never clever at expressing his feelings. I know he deeply loves & cares, but he never showed this, whether by words or direct action, only indirect protection & caring. Honestly he taught me how to respect myself & have dignity since he never allowed any human to humiliate us by any means. But I always missed that friend in him. Recently, I got used to the detachment & dry relation. I didn't think about it anymore and it didn't bother me, at least consciously.

However, recently my father is getting health stroke from time to time, that type of health problems that make me so much worried about him. As part of his nature, he didn't tell us explicitly his real problems & he makes it sound trivial, though I feel it's really serious. But he never confirms. Now I started asking myself: what if he suddenly passed away? Specially he still lives away from us, what if I just got a call one day informing he ceased to become? What if I got that call during my daily routine: while being at café gossiping with friends, at work, sleeping, chatting on phone or watching a trivial movie with a perfect good mood, not expecting anything to destroy it except another silly incident. What if during all that I got that call?

This is not the normal case of a daughter who loses her father with all the natural reactions.This's a case of a girl who used to live without a father, who adapted her whole life to be happy without him, who never enjoyed any intimacy with him except for a very short lucky period, who even at times was irritated by his being around because he interrupts her life style that doesn't include him. It's a situation of a girl who regarded her father as part of nature's giving with nothing special about it & even questioned its significance. Who never had a chance to tell how much she loves him or to be told he really does.

Nowadays, I'm facing a severe situation I never thought about, he might really leave for good. I may really live without him. Will it be then the same like before, will it make any difference? Will I regret that distance? Will I regret not saying "I really love & care", has he ever wanted to say it & for some reason he couldn't?, will he feel bad not seeing me again? Will I actually feel so? Will a Girl who used to live without her father be able to REALLY live without him?

Some Days Out

2007-01-05T16:14:00.001+02:00

I'm happy for the fact I'm meeting new people nowadays. Few days ago, I met bunch of old dear & amazing friends I didnt see for months.I was happy to see those interesting guys & happier for the mere fact they treated me like a queen. They sound so much like missing me & i got all the attention at this night.I was surrounded by all guys talking with me about any thing & listeneing joyfully to what ever i say,interrupting all other girl talking just to talk with me.It's been long time since I felt special by any means & though that was purely friendly, i enjoyed their too many calls for taking pictures with me. There was that guy I met 3 years ago in a conference. I felt as if we met just yesterday coz we're too comfortable having lots of talks as any close friends.he reminded me of a nice incident when he was too hungry during the conference coz he didn't have the bad breakfast they served & i disappeared for minutes to show up with a big apple for him.I was amazed how he still remembers & how he gratefully narrates it to others commenting how nice I was.He also reminded me of taking me to cinema at that day,which was my first time to & they were surprised i'm 21 & never been to cinema before.We laughed how it turned to be my first terrible time as it was the disgusting movie " Sana Ola Nasb" yakkkie.

Yesterday G. Y. & I went to Adawey's concert in Sawy wheel. It was more than amazing. I met there some guys I give training for at work.Actually one of them is hitting on me & he was mainly coming for me.I met also G's cute hot friend who unfortunately was flying same night to Dubai where he works. G. advised me to hook up with him,but i refused till mid the concert when i found him so cool,interesting,friendly, attractive & manly. I regret my snobbish first decision to miss such a good chance.I discovered on ebad thing about me : I'm too shy to hit on someone.We danced alot at the fabulous music ,actually i didn't know the guy is that talented & we really spent one of the best times,even better than the famous Wust el balad band. G was in a hyper funny mood with her cute friend & Y & I were in a real need for some fun & action. We went totally hyper dancing,screaming giving no shit to the many work colleagues who were just standing behind us watching those calm decent colleagues dancing,jumping & getting loose at night. To hell with them all in fact.

Today, I got a call from a colleague to have coffee with another friend of his.I didn't feel like it coz i know he wants to fix me up with his friend & i don't want.
The Famous building owner called again for no clear reason, he asked me if i like poetry. Knowing what he aims at, I answered im not interested at all but it was my study oneday., just a way to back him off, but i failed terribly coz he continued saying he wrote a new poem& wants me to hear it. I excused myself by being at work ( ok i lied) & promised to call later for that thing. I'm still wondering about that wrong guy doing the right thing. I don't like him but he's doing every thing right to gain my attention, something i'd have totally appreciated if it comes from the "Right" person

I'd interview on monday for an internal vacancy i was interested in,but not anymore coz i'm heading for a better one now.I've to go for it since the other is not guranteed now & still that one is the dream of almost all my colleagues as it's at one of the distinguished departments.

I don't see my favorite manager recently. last time he called me for 2 hours spending one of them just discussing the possibility of his manager being in love with him.This time is different coz he sounded more willing & interesting than objecting.Kinda need assurance of another eye that she likes him, needing someone to tell him she doesn't really care about the logical obstacles between both of them & she does care. I'm pissed off & won't accept if this is true,I won't accept to be his advisor in a relation.

Final

2007-01-02T21:34:00.000+02:00

I decided to get Loooooooooose,, as far as I can't imagine or expect.
Correction: as far as I Couldn't imagine or expect Before
I decided to let myself be, get looooooose, and will see how much I 'll lose. Who cares any way ??
I will try this and I know i'll lose and the loss will be massive,but who cares ?, what's the difference anyway?

Details!!!! Never Later

Happy New Year

2006-12-30T20:41:00.000+02:00

I was too busy recently conducting training for employees , i missed my blog terribly.Is there anyway to post using email?
I'm spending the first day of Eid at home with my sisters,unable to travel anywhere due to the cold weather.
I got an invitation for a new year party at My friend G's house. Not a typical party as it will be exclusive to the close friends & their moms.Before it, we'll attend one of our colleague's Katb Ketab.
Today I got a call from that building's owner, saying Happy Eid and the following talk took place:
Him: Happy Eid Miss R. (trying to be respecteful & formal due to previous clash)
Me: same to you

Him: How will you spend ur vacation?

Me: today is a family day,tomorrow will attend my friend's new year party

Him: what a bad luck!, asl I've two invitations for New Year Celebration at Grand Hayatt hotel, i wanted to invite you

Me: ummmm, yeah it's bad luck, sorry begad but i'm committed to my friend party.

Him: wallahe it'd have been honour to join you even for an hour in that celebration,you know I wish to see you

Me: next time inshalla,thanks for the invitation anyways.

To give you idea of who is that man, I didnt see him before, we were looking for a new apartment & we liked one in his building. He wasn't there when we visited the building but I contacted him later to talk about the financial things,since my dad's busy & he assigned me to handle. After the serious talk, he started calling for no reason except friendly chatting.I didn't mind since it was within the frame,but when he stupidly asked me out suddenly,i started being firm & he apologized,started being decent & even extra formal.He stopped callin for awhile as he felt i dont welcome, but gradually he came back.From time to time, he hints to meeting me & I always keep things on the track.The guy keeps trying & it's very obvious he's hitting on me,he is using every known way to grab my attention,he even got interested in whatever he knows I like & offers to share it with me.Oneday he just called saying he's interested in the conferences staff & wants to know more details, when i started explaining on phone, he clearly confessed his wish to meet & discuss it face to face & i always apologize.
I don't know now whether i'm doing right or wrong. I keep letting some people down with no specific reason while i give space for others who still don't deserve it.The typical idiot way of hanging on to someone & running away from others who care. It's not my first time to act that way,& again i keep asking myself, is it right? won't you regret such chances later on? why don't you give that guy a chance,specially he is dying for some attention from my side? what if he was nice & you let him go by u careless attitude?
I'm really confused,this situation reminded me of many similar past ones. Am i idiot to let such caring people just go away? should I've accepted his invitation & give him a chance? or should i block it since i actually didn't like his clear hitting on a girl he didn't even see before.What's so special about a girl like me to make him that attracted without seeing? it sounds gay for me.may be i'm offended coz i feel he's just looking for a catch "3arosa" since he is unmarried 35 years old engineer.I don't know,,any help?

just a thought

2006-12-22T17:13:00.000+02:00

I believe this is true:

A Relationship Is Like Sand In Your Hand

If Held Loosely In The Palm Of Your Hand It Stays There

But As Soon As You Close Your Hands Tightly It Slips Through Your Fingers

what you think?

Be Honest

2006-12-19T19:15:00.000+02:00

My youngest sis wrote a "be honest" survey on me. It's really interesting to see what a close person thinks of you.I personally encourage you all to send that surevy to someone you think knows you well & let him/her say it so you publish it on ur blog.Please do tell me when you do to come know abit about you :).Here is what she thinks of me:

Am I ?

Ugly ? : no
Kind ? : yes
Loud ? : no
Shy ? : mmm sometimes but not much
Weird ? : no
Selfish ? : no
Crazy ?: no
Nice ? : yes
Mean ? : no
Immature ? no
Rude ? : no
Cool ? : sometimes
Brat ? : no
Stupid ? : often u don't like to use ur mind

Caring ? : yes
Mature ? :yes
A friend ? : yes
More than a friend ? : yes
Talkative ? : no

Boring ? : no
Smart ? : when u use ur mind
A flirt ? :mmmm sometimes
Slutty ? : nope
A psycho ? : no
Athletic ? : ya3ne except your humpback :P

Confusing ? :no
Sweet ? : yes
Mood swings ? rarely
Annoying ? : no
Funny ? : sometimes

hyper ? :yes
Laid back ? : often
Perfect ? :yes
beautifull : yes

*****IF YOUCOULD*~*~*~*
- Give me a new name, what would it be ?:mmmm baki he3heheh3 ... kiddin didn't think abt it be4

Hook me up with someone, who would it be ?: (she mentioned the name of the one I love forever and even after)

Drop me one piece of advice, it would be ?:
don't waste yourlife invain

**JUST SOME QUESTIONS**
-What is my phone number ? : dont need to have it u always call me :P

-Which song reminds you of me ? i knew i loved u be4 i met you by Savage Gardens , Phantom of the opera sound track, tensa wa7da by Amr Diab

-Do u think I'll get married ? : yes but when you are 32 or 34 ya3ne hat3nese If u do..

who do u think I'll marry ? ooooh it's my question :
- someone older than you & since u'll marry when u r 32 he 'll be about 47 mathln or
-someone who is married or someone fat and have very terrible look but u see him 3'azal or
- someone having boring charachter and u think he is incredible

When is my birthday ? :14/4
Who are my best friendz ? : Y., G.and also k.
Where did we meet ? 24/6/85
Have you ever had a dream about me ? :yes

If you could change one thing about me what would it be ? :
not being able to :judge people well , take the right reaction the right time being so tensed when things dont go your way

-What do you love about me ? :being ,caring,kind,wise, self confident,not confused, knowin what u want and how to do it

ur turn now .

Morocco Final

2006-12-13T15:25:00.000+02:00

at 2 a.m, the phone rang & it was the lebanese girl:
Her: R. I'm sorry for disturbing that late, but i'm shivering & can't sleep, i think I got a fever,do you've a thermometer?
Me: No actually I don't, but don't worry I'll handle, what's your room number?
Her: 310
I called the reception asking for thermometer & if he found to bring it at room 310. I then got dressed & went down to find the girl terribly shivering.She kept on apologizing for annoying & asking me just to go up & she'll be fine.Thank God she'd medications "Advil",she said it might be the medication she got before drinking beer that led to that fever.I didnt know actually the validity of any interaction between beer & medicine. the hotel informed there's no thermometer to my surprise no any sort of first aid there. So i called for extra bed sheets,turned the A.C off as the girl was shivering under her blankets, with cold hands & modest high temperature in the rest of her body.I gave her medication & hot drink,covered her well & stayed till she got warm & fell asleep. She felt so embarrassed & wished going home,she felt guilty for me staying up with her but I simply told her one day i was in Lebanon & went through same expereince "food poisoning" with no one available to help me so i spent 7 hours suffering alone.I felt so bad & won't let you girl go through same situation since i'm here.Back to my room at 4 a.m.then for breakfast at 8 a.m., i found everyone just thanking me for takin care of the girl,she hugged me in the restaurant & i was so touched coz i actually did nothing except being around,i wasn't of any medical use.I was happy coz being with that girl, we get close,were so humane together, i felt how fragile she was, & how among all 300 persons staying there,she chose me when she needed help.I felt so proud & happy she trusted me. Simply coz during the previous days, we were detached,for her I was "a rival", a threat that shakens her sucess.She's really good speaking 4 languages, having M.A. & work as project manager,but at the conference she witnessed how people are impressed by me & they chose me for many presentations,how i'm more under spot.I felt this " uneasiness" in her eyes & how challenging she was with me,how everyone apllauded my contribution except her,so I kept far not to increase this negative relation. But after this evening we get close as both of us never expected or hoped for.The mere call for me to help was like a peaceful sign that deep inside she may like/trust me & after that, we were so good together,so colse & warm.
Third day: we worked on youth declaration that the int'l organization lady wanted me to present in the closing,but i sugessted the youngest jordanian girl to do instead as a push for her & since she really wanted to.Then after the closing we all went to get souvenirs from the old market.The palestinian guy was great in helping me getting presents for guys,he kept on calling me " hey R. this is a great present for a guy,i'd love it if a girl bring it for me" Actually his taste's fine & he was so thoughtful.
Last day: all already left except the palestinian guy & I who went to Shalla place: it's the Old Town where people used to live inside that fence while all Rabat was a place for holding horses,and thus the name, " Rebat : place where you tie the horses down" So we went to that ancient town,walked through the old houses, descending stairs surrounded by all kinds of trees, waterfalls with this musicl sound.birds.Just imagine you walk at a place where ancient Arabs lived ,those old houses with great architecture,those Andalusi gardens,everything is calm,peaceful & just wonderful.I just wished i live there to go reading beside that waterfall sitting against that big tree.
Then we went to open cafe drinking tea & talking about political & cultural issues.Some shopping for him & back to the hotel. I got a call from a moroccan-French young businessman who was a participant as young enterpreneur.He wanted to see me before leaving & i agreed.He came to the lobby & he asked me to visit his office.It was 6 p.m so i knew it will be empty office so i called my palestinian friend who offered to join me as more safety.We went to his office where he explained his successful small business,I saw lots of guitars there which he explained as his hobby & he played some blues for me.That was great & we then went to have coffe. We said bye & he mentioned how special I'm, how he sees in my eyes a special smart girl who was the leader & positive energy during the conference unlike the lebanese girl.I was surprised of the comaprison between her & me again,but was flattered actually.He stressed on keepin in touch till we meet soon.
The palestinian guy kept on teasing me that he should've let me go alone not to waste the chance for that fixing up as he confirmed the guy likes me & all that talk about his successful business, regularly praying though he drinks,coffe & visiting office are all to impress & gain my attention & liking.

To tell the truth,the guy is really good in many aspects as successful businessman, well educated,playing guitar,surfing & boxing,handsome & decent.But still im leaving tomorrow & chances are little to meet again,so why starting somethg i can't develop. But Who knows ;)

The shit part i kept till final is i spent the whole last day penniless as my account card was blocked when i was using it to get money after i finished all the cash,i've to wait till being home to solve it & it will take at least a day for my sis to transfer money to my account 'stupid bank systems" & my flight is already next day at 8 a.m.. She went to Western Union for instant cash transfer & they stupidly said they close transfer at 3 p.m. & even they don't transfer to Morocco. What the fuck? I'd some egyptian cash & went to all banks there who refuse to exchange it "thanks to our great economic state & the shitty egyptian currency value".They exchange Saudi, Omanni,Emirates but not Egyptian though it worth more than their currency,but again,thanks to our economic reputation. I spent the whole day penniless with the palestinian guy paying for all taxi and Shall sightseeing. Thank God all my accommodation & flight were already paid,otherwise i'd have spent some good time in Moroccan jail.

The only loss i was planning to go Cazablance for more shopping & also have moroccan traditional bath at this last day since it was all free,but instead i spent it visiting all banks & calling my sister for all options.that was so terrible, i felt totally insecure & afraid with no money at a foreign country,just th feeling is horrible & all the palestinian guy attempts to cool me down was in vain.The whole trip was amazing but that last day kinda destroyed my whole mood & brought me back tensed unlike how i was before it ,specially it was supposed to be the best day.

Then in Paris airport,for new security rules, they took all liquids i've in my personal bag & threw them away since i'm not allowd to go to plane with any liquids. For my good luck,I left the make up bag out after packing till morning to use it so i put it in my personal bag & accordingly they took all my valuable perfumes & splashes, just all of them those french idiots. I kept arguing with a guy i was in same airport just few days ago & they allowed my perfume on plane.he was speaking french with only one english word " forbidden",& since my french is as perfect as my russian i screamed at his face " For God sake get me someone to whom I can speak English",he brought his suppervisor who was equally stupid, insisting liquids must not exceed 100 ml.. I argued some of them are partly used so it's written 100-200 ml but they actually contain less & they can allow me to take them, but he just took me to a huge bin that he opened for me to see it all full with many cosmetic/beauty products all taken away like me. As if this will comfort me 'you're not alone here" then he said" no matter how much you talk" i interrupted " nothing will change, ok fuck you all ,im not convinced with all this nonsense , since you don't listen ,just take it all"
I felt so much irritated ,not just for taking my valuable perfumes,but more coz they don't listen & yes they have their security measurs which changed in two days,but he should listen to my argument & convince me or be convinced.
That was the end of my Morocco journey, conference was so informative,useful & great ,people were amazing, i made all sightseeing,some souvenirs,good friends,great contribution,delicious food but little shopping & no moroccan bath. However I should say don't be greedy,you can't take it all specially in one week.At least you did more than a week can endure with a conference from 9 a.m till 7 p.m.

looking for next .....

Morocco part 2

2006-12-13T13:18:00.000+02:00

So I decided not to accept the dinner invitation coz usually I don't test myself through such situations ,i sent him apology sms & I went instead with other youth from Morocco, Palestine, Sudan, & Lebanon to the old town again,actually i'd the most fun by walking around the city,taking sudden photos on streets, laughing outloud with a huge mixed group.It was just wonderful.Something strange I found in Morocco is there's shops where they boil/cook Gandofli & other sea food with herbs, make kinda hot drink served in a bowl which people just stop drinking on streets , just like "2asab" in Egypt, we found many shops like this & some couples romantically standing drinking this hot drink as if they're having ice cream.That was new to me & the moroccan girl told us it also exists in Spain but more expensive than here.
We'd dinner then at a local restaurant,then back to the hotel lobby.

Second day: the sessions were a bit boring so i sneaked out with a lebanese girl & palestinian guy to the down town.We sat at local cafe,drinking their famous relaxing moroccan tea "they call it Thai",then we made some shopping at brand shops there,the guys were really helpful in choosing for me nice colors.back to the conference, I found that English-Italian man who my friends hinted he likes me waiting with something at hand.Then he said:
He: you asked me yesterday night what to bring for a dear guy & you asked as a man would i like it if you brought me a frame right , do you remember my reply ?
Me: you said only if the frame includes my photo
Him: right , so have you brought a frame for that guy ?
Me: no, i felt you won't like it as man so he won't too
Him: whether you'll bring him that frame or not, i'd something for you. it was my photo;a photographer had for me while talking in the main session, & this man got it for me.That was nice of him
The following session was Mayors-youth dialouge where youth should've open discussion with mayors of different Arab cities on their concerns.It was so stupid as they marginalized the main ideas & kept criticizing me for speaking in English & accusing of losing my identity.They saluted a libyan guy who talked after me saying " he'll speak in Arabic since it's the language of Qur'an".Then my lovely lebanese friend stood up saying she'll also speak in English, followed by the palestinian who told them we're nt here to discuss Arabic or English, the main goal is youth ideas/concerns & they've the right to express themselves in whatever language they feel comfortable at. The mayors realy didn't have any vision of what youth want & they took it lightly as a bunch of kids who got the highest privilege to talk equally with their majesty & that's enough for them.That was irritating & i wanted to leave the session but i'd to stay as it was chaired by this nice representative of the int'l organization who kept nominating me for everything. I'd to support her as she looked so desperate & disappointed from the level of discussion. Then all of sudden an Arab official stood pointing at me during the session & said" we used to be the best nation in everything ,that was a past & with what i see here, a young Arab girl who can't speak Arabic , I can say we're detriorating, losing your language is losing your identity". The room got so tense & other youth kept pushing me to reply back,but i didn't want it to be personal thing.This nice lady get down the pannel & came to me saying " im really sorry for that ' & she talked to him saying " Im really impressed by how those young people think & how they're concerned about their cities,regardless of what they speak, i'm a moroocan-swedish woman, but still i speak in English coz some terminologies don't have accurate synonyms so i've to say it like this & this young girl here is asking really valid questions to you,instead of replying or thinking with her,you just focus on how she talks"
that was more than a pay back for me & all the room saluted her. After the session ,the same man came to me saying i want to applaude this young girl for how smart she's' but i ignored him totally till he came again then i replied him enough of what he deserves just outside the main discussion.I felt so proud then.
I got a dinner invitation with other key figures at the royal house there. I'd fun talking with some nice people and actually enjoying the moroccan food : Koskos , grilled lamb, Pastila " mashed almond,chicken,powder sugar, and bread" , moroccan sweets and the tea.The royal house is more than fascinating with those well designed Architecture, even the ceiling is designed with Arab paintings ,the walls,floor,doors, everything is just done with a high taste & accuracy that puts you in the Ancient Arab time of Sultans
Back to the hotel, the English-Italian man asked my company for a walk in the hotel fabulous garden.I agreed & we walked there among white roses,palms, & bananas tress which was his first time to see it & he was so happy for that.We talked alot but i'd to cut it short as it was this clear full moon night with fresh breeze & that fabulous garden at which we walk alone,.Was a romantic atmosphere that urged him for romantic talks such as how attractive i'm,picking a white rose & gave it to me with this look i know its meaning. Actually i wasn't for any short time sentiments as we're leavin after few days,so i kept him on track till i left to stay with my friends. A libyan guy threw his B-day party so we all went to celebrate,we entered to find Arab 40 old man sitting with a "prostitute" in the party.we all got shocked of how dare you to do that in public.she was rudely sitting among invitees,dancing and she even cut the cake with this Arab fool & libyan guy.He was that typical old Arab who dies his hair black,dancing with her with this dirty look fixed on her body.They then left to his room with all people makin fun of it. We all know many go for that fun anywhere,but at least not in an int'l conference & in public among all other people from allover the world.For god sake,take her to your room or do whtever u want,but not here. an american friend once told me something i feel so fitting here.He said " I don't shit where I eat"

to be continued.

Morocco

2006-12-11T01:33:00.000+02:00

Morocco
I'm back from Morocco which was one of the best & greatest trips I made. I don't want to miss single incident so I will talk day by day
Arrival night :
I arrived at 11 p.m. to find the city dark & raining with no one waiting for me like previous conferences. I called the organizer who apologized for disarrangement as they expected me the day after not today though they've my flight details. So I took a cab alone in my first time in a dark empty & raining city. It was like a risk, either the driver drops me safely at the hotel or he just kills & throws me anyway since I already don't know whether he really heads to the hotel or anywhere in that new city. Thankfully, he drove me to the hotel where I just fell asleep after 12 hours of flight including 6 hours transit in Paris Orley's dull airport. My room's view is the hotel's garden with those fascinating white roses, palms & pool. Was joy to wake up everyday just looking to that view and sleeping at the sight of calm garden lightened like small diamonds.

First day: I'd free time till 6 p.m. so I went for some shopping and sightseeing. At the first shop selling traditional costumes, the man offered to accompany me in my shopping. He was a kind man who helped so much in shopping as he was buying for me as a native guy & that gave me reasonable prices not as a tourist.The market or s they clled it "Madina" is the traditional market where they sell leather, traditional pottery & copper, carpets, clothes,food,olive,ment & moroocan tean and of course the great Moroccan bath exist. It gives you that feeling as if you live 1000 years back ago at the time of Arab and Andalusi with their ancient shops.He took me then to the Lodaya place where the old traditional Moroccan houses are located with their white & blue colors, mosaic designs and Arab architecture. First the Lodaya is an ancient castle with this Andalusia gardens, fabulous trees and wonderful types of flowers, it's designed as stairs descending to the main garden & surrounded by a fence with mosaic –made fountain in the middle. That's so breath-taking & gives much peace inside. I then had a walk among the old houses & native people. Reaching a café just over viewing Atlantic ocean which separates Rabat from Salla city. The café location is fabulous embrced between the ocean and old houses with lots of turtles among the trees, from there I could see the other city Salla with its white houses and surfers in the calm ocean. I'd the traditional relaxing Moroccan tea with these delicious Moroccans deserts all made with almonds,yammmy.

Back to meet with one of the international Ngo representative who nominated me to be the main discussant in the plenary session, then meeting with all other youth around the world to prepare for the youth-mayor dialogue. I'd then dinner with a Lebanese girl at a Moroccan restaurant where we enjoyed the traditional " Coskous", a Moroccan typical food which is served with raisins and chicken, meat or pigeons. The belly dancer was horrible actually and equally was that shivering voice fat singer who kept singing for Om kolthum and other Arab songs. but the food and atmosphere was so cozy.

Second day :
Was the opening ceremony with lots of dull official speeches. I've to say I was the main discussant in the plenary session following the opening which will discuss one of the main themes of the conference. As usual I prepared nothing so I started writing some points during the dull speeches. After the break, a representative of the int'l organization suggested I sit with the panel facing 300 persons from all over the world, well it's been long time since I did it but I'd to now. I sat there as the youngest, beside me was a director of the whole work, a senior official and the director of the Middle East & North Africa region. I did my discussion mainly on their presentations, followed by opening the floor for comments , Qs & As. They said I was impressive and did great job, seems I always spark when I'm not prepared. A 40 years old man came shaking hands with me and the following talk occurred:

Him: Well done young lady, you were impressive, where are you from
Me: thanks, Egypt
Him: but you studied abroad at least your PH.D.?
Me: no actually I graduated at Egypt and in fact I just have bachelor, no PH.D.
Him: really, but you were great. Listen I will take you out to dinner tonight, don't dine at the hotel. Here's my number, call me to send the car to fetch you when you're ready and finished ok?
Me: thanks, but aren't u staying with us in the hotel
Him: no
Me: (thinking he's one of the local participants so he stayed at his house), Excuse me but may I know who're you exactly ?

Him: I'm *****, ( a key figure in the city, specifically a ruling figure)
Me: (inside) ooops, what's your story with the key figures ( talking to him ) : thanks for the invitation , I'll see any ways.
Him: no it's a deal now, I invite you to dinner out , just be ready & I'll send the car

I moved back, thinking what to do, I thought about consulting with this woman from the int'l Organization whom I've a friendly relation with, I believed she will give me sincere opinion. I was thinking the invitation sounds so fishy since why this official asks me ,only me out for dinner? It sounds risky to go out alone with him in a city I know nothing about, but again what if he's just being decent & courteous by inviting someone he considers nice & brilliant "according to him". I was totally confused

I'll continue with you tomorrow the rest of days as I'm tired now, it's also a chance to give you space of thinking/guessing what I did, & what would you do if you were me.:)

Is it just the Winter?

2006-11-20T17:36:00.000+02:00

Though i prefer Winter weather to Humid summer,but it's always accompanied with a touch of gloom and depression haunt me.It started today as my last day of partly successful vacation. At its end, why im nt satisfied with the result.I odn't feel i made the best of it.In the first days was lots of outings & shopping.Then useless stay at home,not even relaxing but idle staying.
I found out I only had two friends now: G. & Y. along with other acquaintances, i lost all college & school friends, even those i knew during activities/conferences have just gone away now. Today as G & Y at work, i can't come up with any name to go out with, it will be hard to call someone i lost contact with since years to ask them out.I dont wanna do actually.
i'm not a lone person as i always have many people around, but not intimate or life time relations as I change faces quickly.But there's something missing.
why i become that lazy dude.i miss coloring , i miss attending events , i miss holding my colouring pens & making pictures look different.I miss manythings
one of the main reason behind this gloom is our moving issue doesnt go fine. My dad is not somuch enthusiastic for the idea & accordingly he doesnt make effective steps to make it done soon. I hate when things don't go the way I want, specially if it's out of my control.I hate when i want to do something but I can't coz of someone's else.

my manager suggests me having Spain visa so while being in morocco , i can go by boat one day to spain.but i don't know from which city this can be possible & if i need to make pre arrangements.I've to ask her for more details.The idea sounds wild & adventerous so it appeals to me alot. I used to think of myself as a risk-taker person,but out of many recent situations, i found out i'm a laid back who choose the safe way always & don't put myslef through any risk.Things have to be changed .

Emotional Fix

2006-11-18T14:11:00.000+02:00

My friends & I have that emotional dilemma with different types, but at the end we're all insane disturbed girls who have something wrong with them.
I keep on comparing each & every potential guy with someone who's the perfect partner for me,though we're not together anymore, I can't stop myself from comparing in every situation,reaction, or attitude & always he wins over any new guy.no guy till now can surpass him in any aspect.I don't mean he's perfect in general but he is the best & perfect for me.

G. my pretty friend fears committment & gets bored quickly when things start to get so smooth with her partner, she breaks up when the issue of any official committment comes up.She can't help herself & she's so torn up between how she's happy with that person & a subconscious drive to leave them.

Y. is so undecisive about the guys she knew, always refuse to make a move or respond not to be misunderstood as cheap.

example of a convo we'd few days ago while being out :

Me: so how is L.?
G: He's great ,amazing but im depressed
Me: why, did you fight ?
G.: at all, we're having fun, but i'm done
Me: what you mean?
G: hmmmm, i don' know , i'm almost bored , i don't have the spark of before u know
Me: of course things won't be as exciting as b4 coz now u know each quite better & exploring each other isnt like b4, but still he is that nice tender guy u love spending time with
G: yeah I know , but there's nothing new nowadays,everyday meeting,cafes, chatting, walking around.It's like routine now, i need something new
Me: Come on , u'll break up with the guy to have some new experience
G.: It's nt breakin up, but i don't like this routine, we used to fight , play games, some action.Now it's like a married couple.
Me: here you go G. that's ur problem again. You run when things look like marriage
G.: yes I hate committment, i don wanna get married, i don wanna spend my entire life with A Person, one person all the time, why!! it's so boring ,& what if he's bad , wht if he cheated on me, why dedicating my whole life for oneperson , i hate marraige & i dont wanna have kids.
Me: so u want things to be that casual
G.: still I'm too grown up now for bf-gf relations " mosa7ba" this is for high school kids, it's time to get serious. I'm fed up from hangin out with a guy behind my parents back, im fed up from not introducing the guy i like to my work colleagues, I want now to invite him to my home, watch a movie together, to drive me home, to meet my family & friends.Im fed up from the childish secret raltions.
Me: so u hate mosa7ba , and u fear marriage
G.: exactly.i dont know wht to do, my confusion affects both of us, coz sometimes i get mad at him when i feel he has no plans for serious committment & when he starts initiating this, i freak out, he's confused with me & this raises tension
Y.: look G. you should try to judge well, may be when u're committed u love it,may be it's not that terrible,give both of u a chance. Remember A. whom u loved for 9 years & u used to break up manytimes till u finally left for L. Youleft him for no reason.
G.: yeah, A. was perfect, but by time, we'd nothing new to do or talk about, 9 years is too much ,that's why i dont wanna have bf-gf relations for longtime again, you lose valuable things by time.But also it makes me also hate marriage more ,coz the more u spend time with someone, the more u get bored & nothing lively exists.just like my relation wth A. after 9 years.Imagine we were married
Y.: but if u're married, there'll be new things like kids,family ,,bla bla
G.: again, these issues are nt my favorite. we'll see. any way, any new about M.
Y.: no, still my mom refuses him totally & he doesnt give me any reason to fight for
G: coz u dont give urself a chance to know him deeply
Y: why bothering & giving him a hope then finding out he's nt the one
Me: so u dont wanna know him better fearing he might nt deserve convincing ur mom with & still you can't forget about him.
Y: exactly.I know im stupid, i like him partly, but i trust the parents' vision & i dont wanna fight with my mom
G/Me: but ur mom liked some guys before & they turned to be nt that great
Y: i know, but still i can't make any moves with that guy, specially after he aksed me b4 & i rejected, it's embarrassing to be back now
Me: dont make any moves, but at least respond smartly to his, he calls u alot asking u out ,,righ?
Y: yes
Me: and u stupidly reply coldly
Y: hahhaah, yes
G: So!!
Y: I don't know , i dont want fights & im nt sure heis that great.
G: & you R. it's nt ur nature not to be surrounded by guys, i used to tell u "have some break R" , u used to have many guys interested in u,now u dont mention any names.
Me: I repented " ironically"
G. No way, it's in ur blood,, no seriously ,wht's up?
Me: nothing the point is whenever i meet a guy, i start putting him through a deep observation phase,watching his views,acts,& so on.I know i'm a picky person, but what's new now is i dont judge with my criteria only, I compare them to Him, the one forever & even after, & they always lose,in every situation or act,he smashingly wins.I can't believe someone could be that amazing.
Y: whta u do is a fatal mistake, don't compare, let the past & focus on the now. ther's no use to chain urself in comparing everyone with someone who left now,u torture urself
Me: what can i do if he was too perfect for me, he's like a standard for me that i can't get away from
G: a wrong standard,coz simply he doesn't exist now
Me: but he gave me a treatment I love living with & won't accept anything else.
Y; u're going nowhere that way
Me: I don't want to,,i like staying where he's. it's outta my hand, i just can't forget or stop putting him above anyone else.I really can't , it comes naturally & i got surprised manytimes finding myself just living in him like before.

Y: seems we're all having a problem, seems we'll stay single friends with those complex we all have
G/Me: I don't mind, why not, we're great together.At least we can go to midnight movies with no one to refuse or have fight with you like D.

this confirms my previous post " in Love & War"

2006-11-17T22:19:00.000+02:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.6
Mind:	5.4
Body:	6.1
Spirit:	6.7
Friends/Family:	4
Love:	0
Finance:	6.8
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

In Love & War

2006-11-17T21:10:00.000+02:00

lots happened since....
i'm having a whole week vaction planned to spend it outside cairo but we frineds couldn't plan it well so here I'm.It wasn't bad at all as I managed to make a very very good shopping as well as hanging out with many friends at different places doing manythings. I spent some qaulity time at home with my family & cooked for them.(sigh) long time since...

My med. appraisal is done by my favorite manager, he gave me exceptional grade which is not acquirde by anyone before me & to do so he & his manager who supports me alot have to get exception from senior directors by convincing them why I should've exceptional & special grade.Well , this grade is like "excellent" & it will be only me who got it in the entire company with all its departments having lots of them higher than me including my manager & his manager as well.My manager said i deserve it & he will meet with me to explain why I got it, not only performance but mainly attitude & personality.I'm eager to that meeting actually.
However,I've to expect alot of shit thrown on me in the coming period, some will be happy for me as they believe I deserve it & they're not little,but still many others will object whether for the mere reason why me & not them or coz they're against what makes me deserve it. The simple & obvious attack will be coz my favorite manager likes me , the secret affair we've , the laughs, looks & individual meetings me & him have from time to time,they will tune everything to serve their dirty talks. "he gave her that special grade coz he loves her & his manager approved coz,stupidly enough, she loves him & wanna satisfy his requests". Yeah things reached that dirty stupid plots,they'll claim we have a triangle relation here: my favorite manager loves me & his unmarried manager loves him.
She loves me too , but again they can say she's lesbo,All is fair in love & war as Hemingway said & i've to expect anything no matter how dirty it's.Still such types of losers can't be convinced by logic & obviously such jerks i dont care for convincing.

My favorite manager asked me to expect lots of dirts in the next months & i've to be prepared & excersise great self-control.Not only that,but now i'm a role model , the only girl who got that grade & she's not even a senior & she is even very fresh in the company.people will look at me to see what made me special & accordingly I've to be special, no room for past triviality & foolishness. heheheheh , I feel like miss universe :). Not only the special grade but a managerial promise / plan to promote me exceptionally jumping two grades to a senior post soon as he told me. woooow.

In early December,i'm travelling to Morocco to attend a conference there for few days.Again, travel always comes when i most need it.I'm so excited & very much in need for a change.

Adding to the dirty gossips that started about us, my favorite manager managed to get me a chance to be a trainer for at least amonth with a promise to continue if they got a good feedbck about me. Now im not doing my boring job but training people in the company with new faces everyday ,fixed time & days off. Till now i'm doing great & they like me. Again,some believe im the best at that palce & others wonder why me from all this crowd. Dirts again.

Anyway, im enjoying my time nowadays so much with those good news about work & activities. no progress on the emotional level.

Technologically challenged :(

2006-11-07T02:13:00.000+02:00

I'm so much desperate now by being terribly challenged technologically. I even regret my decision to change from the wide-known Nokia & use Sonyericsson regadless of many people warning against its difficult software,but I insisted to take the challenge since the Sonyericsson mobile I chose wins when compared to its competetive nokia ones.

My device is Sonyericsson K800 I , i finally got it after long comparison with Nokia N80 and samsung D900.It has almost the same advantages & even exceeds.That's why I got it & challenged i'll excel in its software.But seems I lost the challenge:(
I really can't perefctly use it,mainly in transfering files & music through bluetooth & USB.Something is damn wrong & i can't figure a way out. When i try the bluetooth, it transfers document-type instead of MP3.When I try the USB connectin,it tells error msg that files can't be transfered & i'd to connect my device through USB though i clearly did .I can't figure out wht's wrong & my sis who's better than me at such staff cant help me till now coz she can't wait awake till i come late & still she has no expereince with that brand as w're a nokia family-used to be- so even hope is so weak.This means I've to wait till week end or so to get her help.There're many nice music I want to have but cant.It's 3 days now sinceI got the device & i added nothing to it:(.It sounds trivial to care that much about such staff, but well ,I care.
I've those stupid thoughts of regrettin saying " if i'd got nokia one, it'd have been piece of cake now to add anything" I hate regretting that way coz actually that device is wonderful in its options but only if you managed to know its secrets & use it effectively,something I didnt till now & this pisses me off.
Im disappointed & feel so challenged.:(

To Do

2006-10-30T21:35:00.000+02:00

I have alot to do recently & many deadlines.But I lost focus where & with what to start.I just feel recently Im not capable.Mainly coz i distract myself with many personal feelings that distract me from the main job.

- Organizing my own event
-I got offer to cooperate with another int'l organization to help them in their event
- I should start the main assignment required by an Int'l organization
-I got offers to cooperate with some delegates at same organization i belong to but in different countries to join their projects.

offff ,im loaded in things away from my work, doing voluntary work most of the time & not doing any effort to enhance my job,,if i just saved my time & effort
i know i won't like life that way ,but still im distracted in may directions as usual.
Still I want to start doing a diploma or MA,styding spanish & taking salsa lessons
how can i do all that
I'm even stucked with a family thing priority for me now & for it I postpone any other plans. But even that family issue doenst move as i hoped, so i ended up doin nothing.
im not sad or upset, im just stuck

That was a Past

2006-10-24T00:48:00.000+02:00

Stand up event is postponed till after Eid, it won't be a UN-related event specifically on poverty but will be a huge one on developmental issues such as poverty,education,employment. I'd long negotiation with UN but finally the World Bank offered to support me & offer me all facilities possible to have a big effective event; of course I can't say no.But i've to make a good agenda for that day.I'm happy I could do something on my own.

Can You hate someone you don't know for the mere fact it's or was once loved by someone you love. Can you really grow that full image of hatred for that person with no other reason except it'd a relation with your loved one? Can you hate them that much without having enough knowledge of them, you even risk they might be really good people ,they may be unowrthy of all this hatred,they may have no guilt for what you blame them for, it's just that idea they once had relation with that one & you always feel when this one left you, it was just to be back to them,that one break up with you to be with them,coz that one can't live without them even if they tried. You always feel they are you're rival, your hidden enemy that you even don't have the priviliege of knowing enough about in order to get prepared or fight fair, you don't know anything about them execpt the narration from that one, so you don't know whom you hate, fight, or why you do.but you can't help but hating them, coz they are the personification of your defeat, you hate them for no reason & for all those reasons. I hope I'm making any sense here.

Stand up for Poverty

2006-10-13T02:33:00.000+02:00

a UN event that will be worldwide on 15th and 16th October 06. Shamefully enough, nothing similar will be organized in Middle East and North Africa "MENA region". you ca rad more details here:
http://www.standagainstpoverty.org

Simply people around the world will stand up for whatever time doing whatever just as an act of stand up to fight poverty as one of the main Millenium Goals. Some country will just stand up telling jokes, others will held concerts, some will just talk & discuss.
I've been motivated to organize such a thing in my third world country ,heheheh, poverty is one of our trade marks above all so we'd have some ownership & initiatives to stand up with the whole world.

I'm organizing an event in Egypt that will be on 16th october in a public park. simply a Stand up Drawing Event where people can stand up & draw/color anything ,write whatever , no matter what we will do, the concept will be in the collective stand up allying with the whole world on that day.Of course materials on poverty & UN MG will be distributed as the academic part.
If you like to join , leave me a comment stating that & ur mail " if possible" so i can contact you

Celtic Horoscope

2006-10-12T00:10:00.000+02:00

You Are A Maple Tree

There's not anyone in this world quite like you.You are full of imagination, ambition, and originality.Shy but confident, you hunger for new experiences.You have a good memory and learn easily.You are sometimes nervous and always complex (especially in love).

What's" Your Celtic Horoscope?

Your Love Element is Fire,,Watch Out,Burn Out

2006-10-11T23:51:00.000+02:00

Your Love Element Is Fire

In love, you are a true listener and totally present.For you, love is all about feeling more alive than you've ever felt.
You attract others with your joy and passion.Your flirting style is defined by your strong ability to communicate.
Fun and play are the cornerstones of your love life.And while your flame may burn too brightly, it's part of your appeal.
You connect best with: Wood
Avoid: Water
You and another Fire element: will likely burn out quickly

What Element Is Your Love?

What You Fear Most

2006-10-08T21:25:00.000+02:00

I was asked that question & the choices are :
-being unloved or unwanted
-being unworthy
-not having identity
-being unsuccessful
-being hurt or in pain

I was confused between "being unloved & having no identity" but when it comes to "most" ,having no identity overrates.I fear having no identity actually,in the sense of having no definite character or shape or not representing any thing. It makes me think more of whether I really have identity or not. Unfortunately, I found out I don't have ,or at least not the full clear identity I wish.
Recently I got lost, i no longer quest for more self knowledge,not exploring new horizons to enrich me.Im kinda stagnant,standing still.Moreover, recently im hidden,all around me don't know the real me,don't know much about me ,they dont know enough to make me real or to give me identity,whether it's due to my deliberate hiding & mystery or their uncaring to know so I don't bother showing. All in all, I feel it's not me now,not now, it's since a long time but i only realized it now. Im not me, & even I don't have identity to show ,even the little I've is not what people see. No one knows me,no one knows the Real Me. I'm not Real,it's Not Me, I don't have I dentity.

If You Don't Ask; You Don't Get

2006-10-07T02:18:00.000+02:00

I'd two battles last days at work that I fairly won

Battle 1: After the food -poisoning cases for 10 colleagues at work, I sent a formal mail to my manager expressing my objection & strike that I won't have Iftar at that restaurant again, calling for valid action & more healty or safe options. I managed to have many collegaues' approval & I sent the mail on behalf of them having their names included.Based on my request, the mail was escalated to the senior manager who held a meeting with us & said sweet talks about the precautions they made. All the idiots got convinced or more accurately dumped by the sweet talks, feeling it's enough that a "big figure" dedicatde his precious time to talk to such minors " as they thought of themselves & their weak managers made them so",when he started telling them " here H. came personally to talk to you " ,,what the hell!!!
for me it means nothing as I was sure they didnt do enough actions to avoid such incident " i'd my refernces " & even his talks were so empty & just cliche,but they got dumped & gave up just going again to same place after 24 hours of the poisoning incident. I stick to my stance regardelss of the weak manager's objection & considering me as a straight protest & "trouble maker". He compalined to my favorite manager- " the one i used to work with & wrote about before, will agree on calling him my favorite not my ex-manager ok" - & asking him to wise me up.My favorite manger talked to me & we'd a severe argument about how to handle such things. He blamed me for talkin on behlaf of others & be on the front that i sound as the trouble maker & protest initiator.He told me here you saw how they all back off after the senior's meeting ,all were weak leaving you standing alone as the only trouble maker here. But he agreed on the concept not the implementation,he asked me to be more cautious & wicked when dealing with weak manager who won't support me.

Result 1 :
- strike & ordering food, not going to the restuarant
-manging to have good bunch of people doing same action till it was noticed by the managmenet team
- the managers came trying to convince me to give it another try & that it's fine now.I refused since still there wasn't clear precautions from what happened.
- the company had a meeting with the restaurant management & came up with action plan guaranteeing safety & strict action if any similar thing happens in future
-this action plan was sent formally to the whole company along with apology letter & compensation for the poisoned collegues
- only then i become flexible & accepted the managers' invitation to have iftar with them at the restaurant,just to show I'm not stubborn & i'm ready for second chance only if they did their job well to care for us.
- I believe if we just let it go, they wouldn't have done all that seriously since we didn't care for our own safety,they'd have thought we're passive weak stupids who don't know their rights & they'd have kept things as bad as they're.Only when they found a firm objection,they realized we may have some value & act accordingly
-Regardless of my favorite manager's objection of how i sound like " rebelious leader " & that will cause trouble for me to stand as the only trouble motivator, im convinced of what I did,it's my full right to object any carelessness towards people humanity. May be the process wasn't the best ( I should've addressed those who'll get me right & support like him & his manager not my weak manager,but the concept is totally right & I learned from it.
- Im flexible enough now to try with them,but i won't tolerate any other mistake & my stance will be stronger then after i trust & they let me down.

Battle 2:
due to work load,the company added obligatory overtime for all staff. I said i'm not against overtime as a concept since it's due to business need,but i can do it only when i can,sometimes I can't & i've the right to cancel it. The weak manager told me it's impossible,i've to accept the daily overtime,no way to cancel as it's a senior managemnt's decision,I've to bear as it's for one week only, I can't escalate to any senior manager as they're all aware of that & it's their decision so i shouldn't waste my time & I've either to take it or leave it " quit"

Action: I stated my opinion clearly to the weak manager ,i object, don't believe & won't take obligatory overtime. His reaction is another suspicious look of that girl who just work with him few days ago & brought all the troubles to him, he asked the whole team if they've a problem & again the fear reply of No though inside they curse the whole company for that. Next step I talked to my favorite manager again, & while we're hanging out last week with him & some senior managers,he asked me to tell his manager (whom I also have friendly relation with) of what happened, I told her & she was shocked how some people think in a way totally against the culture they try to enhance.

Results 2:
-The weak manager was deceiving me as it wasn't for one week & it's for at least a month,so he was just keeping me silent by making things sound easier
- I cancelled the obligatory overtime by sending directly to the senior manager & the exception now is if I choose to take it when suits me.
- A top managerial meeting was held next morning as a result of my talk in the outing & they came up with action plan agreed by all managers which focuses on staff freedom,respect & other details.They realized that trend which goes against their culture & they managed to let them agree on what they wanted.
- The weak manager on the same day of the meeting came to me saying the total opposite of his previous speech.He said " btw, whenever, you can't take overtime,come to me so i'll cancel it for you." I realized somethg serious has happened & it's not he woke up feeling different ;specially when he called on the senior manager as if saying hi while standing with me ," kinda showing her he's doing wht they asked him for". I smiled in a wicked vitory telling him no thanks coz I already cancelled all through the senior but sure i'll if i needed in the future.
-The senior manager -whom i've a good relation with told me after that about the action items & encouraged me always to tell her of anything that I don't approve & see as against the civilized way we used to with my favorite manager.

- Of course the weak totally changed with me,kinda fearing any confrontation & he realized he can't fool or force me to do anything,simply coz I know my rights & I'm not the passive type who'll fall silent if abused,he knew I know how to talk & whom to talk to & get my rights.Only me now is having the royal "right' treatment but still the abusive tyrant style with the rest of the team.I feel bad since it means he didn't change inside but he just can't do the same with me,he still can't deal in a better way,but i learned now not to fight for others who will let me down eventually,who,at the first sweet or threatening hint, will give up & throw all blame & shit on me. I don't fight for losers.I learned now that If they want somethg, they should ask for it.

My favorite manger asked me to calm down & try avoid any arguuments/fight these days since I did alot in a very short time with a huge effect in the first days with him.he asked me to let some stuff go if they're not that critical in order not to sound like a big rebellious.I'm ok with that since I can manage alot alone now without clashes. I put bases now & he got the message.

" If You Don't Ask , You Don't Get " ,Gandi

My Day in the Hospital

2006-09-30T19:48:00.000+02:00

My friend Yasso got food poisoned yesterday from iftar at the company's vendor among other 5 girls.I knew about the matter at 10 p.m. but i ran to the hospital in Maadi to be with my best friend.I went to the hospital to find Gigi ,Dalia & my favorite manager together with lots of managers & directors who escalated the matter since it's not an easy thing to have few girls poisoned at same day from the company's food vendor.

I refused to leave the hospital with Dalia coz yasso's mom couldn't stay so i decided with gigi to spend the night with her depsite the objection of all.It was essential to be there actually.It's my first time to spend a long time at a hospital & come close to its system.I refused to leave due to the bad image I've about nurses ,thanks to the One's pinion about them. They were really careless & so lazy asses that it took us much time & effort to have them changing a bed, fixing the injections our collegues have in their arms, or finding a way out for the vomitting cases.

I spent the night like a volunteer with Gigi helping all girls having a better condition through negotiating with nurses, pushin them into helping either by Gigi's cute way or my firm cornoring style depends on the person, cheering all up & makin kinda funny atmposphere by gathering all girls in one room to chat & dropping by each to laugh a bit.My favorite manager was there & spent the whole night with us facilitatin everythimg very smoothly & calmly. We both went to get food for the people at 2.30 a.m. & i really felt happy makin some difference yesterday.

in the morning, my manager came back & finished all logistics with our help till we drove every girl safe home.neither us nor him slept & we're dead tired but really happy that we'd a role & i guess without us being there things could've been terrible specially with the shoking state of such a private & international hospital we're in Maadi.Enough to say that aircondition wasn't working in all rooms leaving patients in miserable heat add to thier sickness, the lazy careless nurses who only seize every chance to make fun of the doctors ' instructions & feel superior,unclean rooms & greedy hospital managers who only care about the money &fees & paying everything in advance.

Spots :
- The Terrible state of medicine in Egypt . This includes facilities, constructions, staff (doctors, & nurses definitely who lack the ethics before the professionalism needed in such a human field)

-The existence of flashy managers who only pretend responsible justto promote or impress their seniors by acting positively only when being under the spot & disappear in the real need. Most of the big names who came at hospital were just there just to tell their managers " Iwas supportive,i was there,i'm a responisible person".Only few like my manager were really sincere in helping & unsurprisingly they were working silently uncaring to be noticed or recognized

- The absence of the Escalation/claiming right culture in Egypt. Surprisingly, that wasn't the first time people got posioned from that place but they didnt talk.This results in further disaster coz of people's carless attitude towards their own helath/rights and the proper/effective way of escalation.

Those were some notes on yesterday experience. I wanted to call someone who can really help when it come to emergency medical cases & hospital issues.I trust & know I can rely totally on him,but I was afraid of his response if I called.Till now Im not sure what would he do if i'd called yesterday,but my hearts tells he would've supported me as i believe forever.

nostalgia

2006-09-26T23:35:00.000+02:00

-My Younger sis all of sudden today told me " by the way, from all those you come to know throughout your life, specially through a "weird" way, only Him (she means the One I love forever ,,and even after) I loved & felt comfortable for your relation.I really loved him truly & still I love him though i don't know the real reason for your break up, but I love him " she said.
"I love him too,, too much ,, for ever , and even after". I said

- I'd a new colleague at work whom i see for almost a week now & just hi i say.Today i was standing while he waived for me hi & i replied back,when i just stood starring at him, uncaring how freak/rude he will think i'm.I just felt he resembles Him "the one,,forever,,,,and even after" in looks,all of sudden today i realized he looks like Him at some point, or may be it's my imagination who added that resemblance at that time I miss him too much. May be I miss him to the extent i want to see Him in every face possible. I kept starring at the guy just trying to figure out why they're somehow similar,what're the common features. it's just that deep feeling of nostalgia to a lovely & loved face which kept me lookin at the guy seeing in him a face I long for,of course without that beard i hate.

-Yesterday I sat in the balcony on the ground as we both love,our favorite place is on ground whether in terrace or any room,just on the ground resting our back against a wall ,& reading ,talkin on phone or just relaxing.we both love that place,one of the many common starnge ,or unique things we share.I kept remembering Him & I realized what I miss.

Are You Jennifer or Angelina

2006-09-25T23:53:00.000+02:00

You Are Jennifer Aniston

Girl next door with a free spirit.You're low key and naturally sexy.Sweet and approachable, people are attracted to your upbeat attitude.And even when life doesn't go your way, you always eventually turn things around.

Are You More Like Jennifer or Angelina?

2006-09-24T17:05:00.000+02:00

lately i noticed that mnay bloggers didn't write any new,may be it's ramadan with all its totally different routine that gives no time for blogging,may be we're bored or have nothing to say.Sometimes it's that there's alotto be said but you're too puzzled within ur thoughts that you can't write a specific clear statements about it.Sometimes there's alot to be said but still can't be said here,may be they're too personal & you don't guarantee whom your readers are, may be too embarrassing that you cant share even with strangers.The fact remains I've alot to say but can't say it,i just need to oneday vent it out or have someone to share it with me,but i know it won't be here i know myself.

i took today off to spend the first day of ramadan iwth my family ,but it wasnt the best decision after all as everything turned to be agianst what i hopefully planned for,im not spneding it with my family after all that & it turns out to be another big failure of my plans.continious failure of all the plans.Is it due to great optimism that everything wil work perfectly as I plan/wish for then it eventually destroyed by the reality ? or is it a bad plannin or is it a good one but since its success depends on other peeople involvement & taken into consideration they're not that cooperative or "good" so it fails always.
i don't care actually all i know is another incident of failure just happened today, i lost another round in my usual challneges/fights, i decided to quit it all since the failure sounded final & hopeless,but i still have that stubborn voice inside me wondering " will you surrender that easily ? didn't you know from begenning it's not an easy battle & it needs so much insistance & pursuit to win ?" yeah ok i know but the bext round seems also uselss as the first blocked all other options available , i refuse defeat & want to fight again but still ask myself for what & using what ? i lost all clues towardsa next step & apparently all available support from others who let me down by their passiveness & stupid misorganization which makes me at the end fight alone & that led to losing alot of powers & credit of being a collective fight

fuck all, i need a break , still in this graceful month my heart can't tolerate with some people although they're supposedly the first to be.I feel as if im charged with so much negative black feelings that blind me from seeing any chances for forgiveness.It makes me just more cruel & heartless in reacting after what happend & i think they deserve.

to hell with all,,, let the month pass in peace ,for those who deserve.

The Enneagram Test

2006-09-22T22:16:00.000+02:00

you're a Type 3 - The Entertainer

Friends, family, and colleagues likely look up to you for this passion and drive. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, you can be counted on help them find the kind of solution that will lead to greater self-knowledge and personal growth. You often motivate and inspire others by your good example alone.

As an Entertainer, you're also likely to be seen as a valuable and competent person who is worthy of admiration.Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Oprah Winfrey, with her worldwide influence and recognition, and Michael Jordan, one of the most recognized sports figures of all time, are also Type 3s.

This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you have a strong sense of self worth, which you're not afraid to show off in a public way. In fact, you're the kind of energetic, charming person who is often committed to being the very best that you can be.

Reflections on Lovely Faded Faces

2006-09-22T20:59:00.000+02:00

I'm reviving old friendships i almost lost contact with these days.Simply I felt there were many nice people who loved me truly & by my own ignorance & careless attitude I lost them.I realized i only go out & talk recently with work friends & all school, activities,travel friends have disappeared.
I started this few weeks ago & guess Im doing a good job here.I regained M,Sh,V,A. still others to be followed.

While regaining A, I came to remember another common friend of us whom I asked him about. To give you a good introduction about her, we were four girls who met in a camp for distinguished girls who have remarkable activities at high school we were all from cairo but different schools and totally different personalities,but we became finally good friends.

For me Sh was the star of us, presentable & very self-confident girl who always gives public speeches,leads the group & dreams of being a T.V. presenter.I always felt she's most likely to be successful among us all & definitely she's the one will have a bright life in everything ,professionaly due to her multi talents & personally due to her beauty & good personality,I always tried to immitate her& took her as a role model.

S was the second girl who was short & practical in look,all the time reading very complicated books at her age about communism,socialism,international politics & stuff.I admired her mind alot & we used to talk & discuss many intellectual issues with her & her dad since he's a writer & a political activist who went to prison alot due to his thoughts.She was the one who has a clear future plan of what she wants to be & i always imagined her as a great scholar.

D was the cutest of them,that feminine calm beauty,talented in drawing & music & calm personality,little talks. I respected her alot & always felt it will be so peaceful to have such a friend, to add that beauty in my life.

Finally N who was the youngest & hyper girl who rebelled against the accomodation & food at the camp & called her dad to come take her back home,but finally stayed just to be wth us,she was the sociable lovely type that makes it easy for you to be her friend & my mom favored her over the rest & always recommended her to be my friend.

After the camp & for two or three years I kept contact with the four by calls or outings.Then i first lost conatct with D & N. followed by Sh whom we met in common activities & friends which make our connection last longer. The longest contact was with S coz we again met in many activities & conferences. I lost contact with the four actually now,but i'm determined to revive it again.

will tell you what the four reached so far, my shock was for those whose life was against my high expectations for them

S: now in France where she finished her masters & about to finish her PH.D in political science at the age of 24. the brilliant student,Exactly as she planned for herself when she was 15 & exactly as I expected for her.

D: finished medicine college & got engaged to a guy she loved, the peaceful beautiful life that suits her.

N: joined pharmacy college & in struggle with her family for the sake of a guy she likes who doesnt match her socially.

SH: my great shock & surprise ,to my disappointment , she graduated from Mass com. had many attempts to work in T.V or radio but all ended in failure, now working as journalist in a very unknown newspaper.She got married just after graduation & got divorced few months later. Today I knew she's married again. that girl who was my role model & i always envied her,always wanted to be as half charismatic & self-confident as she's.Against all my expectation to her only & specially to be the most successful, she's apparently the most one who takes the blows of fate now.

What a life !!!

Now have you ever thought what to become of your old friends ? has everyone reached what you expected or he/she expected ? how you feel to see them after all that time & all the changes happened during those years,, interseting idea ,isn't it ???

bits of a Day

2006-09-22T14:34:00.000+02:00

I'm spending my four days vacation almost in bed due to that severe flu with mild fever. As usual it gets worse cause I refused to take medications from the beginning,thinking it will go anyway,but it started with soar throat 'n caughing,then flu and finally the nice fever which irritates me the most. What makes me smile during all is There's someone who always loves my voice when it's affected by flu, y0u can call me anyway to enjoy it :).

I'm still in the denial phase,refusing to believe that my boss left,& im refusing to be nice with my new team though they do their best to be friendly & kind,including the new boss,but i always resist & treat them very formally & somehow snobbishly or coldly,keepin as much limits as I can. I still see & talk to my boss,we'd a nice outing together & we often talk at work or on phone.I was sitting with him when a colleague came wanting to talk with him about a personal thing.My boss asked him if he doesnt mind me joining coz he was originally talking with me & we didnt finish. I regret staying actually coz i felt it was very embarrassing for the guy after what i heared.He was thinking of quitting the work to work in another city so that he can leave the house as he can't bear it anymore,he said many stuff about his mom & dad,many personal painful things that I never imagined he could be suffering all that. I was listening with my head lowered just starring at floor coz i was so embarrssed feelin how hard is it for the guy to talk about all that in my presence.I wanted to leave manytimes but i couldn't inteerup him, till he finisheshis talk with my boss who gave him some good insights to think of.

I told my boss how bad i feel for listening to that & may be the guy feels embarrassed from me now sincei know all those personal stuff.However, he said it's okay & if he didnt like it he 'd have insisted on me leaving.My boss said the reason why he wanted me to stay is to know that everyone has terrible problems no matter how they look fine, he wanted me to relaize that having a family "mom,dad" is not always great ,sometimes it's a source of pain & troubles that it forces a young successful guy to quit a job he loves only for the sake of escapin his family.

New Phase

2006-09-13T23:51:00.001+03:00

I'll be writing so much irrelated nonsense now coz i'm so much disturbed & out of control or any discipline.
Okay, My boss left today practically.starting next week he's promoted to work at other department with other lucky people.It's a better post,better grade 'n salary, with his favorite manager & it's the exact step he wanted towards his main goal as he told me months ago. I can't imagine how his goal was fulfilled just immediately & directly as such.For him it was like a dream to be achived after some months on the long run, here it comes sooner than he or me expect it. For his good & my worst.

His new position is as perfect as such,so bright in everything regarding environment ,professional & all. For me the worst nightmare that came so fast i wasn't prepared for or expecting.

I just was trying to train myself how to oneday accept the idea of not working together forever,just training myself on the concept, when i found myself faced by real situation where I've to act in somethg I wasn't yet trained for.He just told me about this move two days ago & it's implemented just today,too fast that never happened in my company or in any place such a fast change .First time,,for his good ,,for my worse.

Today he told me from next week i'll be working with someone else,he was severely sick today that he left two hours after he came.He was supposed to leave immediately but he waited to talk to me & he wanted to stay longer to talk with me as he felt I wanted to.He tried hardly,but finally he collapsed & I asked him to leave when he just came asking me with a pale face if i want him to wait for me till i finish to talk as he promised though he can't now.I couldnt help but say no leave for some rest.He may nt come tomorrow & next week he will come,but not for us, for his new post, new team.

next week, just that quickly,just after two days, he will be that colleague with whom I've the slightest talks,I don't have that luxurious free access to spend all time with him being my boss. Now he's not & i've to bear this in my overlaoded mind,I've to maintain the balance.How painful.

Today another manager who always felt jealous from our close relation interrupted my talk with him so my boss asked me to leave & he'll come to me.While leaving , the other manager with all the envy & dark evil victory called my name,when i turned back to him, he just said " A. will no longer be your boss,got it " I just walked away with no comment . Fuck your evil soul.

But the words touched me, yes it's what all of you will say now ,"he 's not ur boss anymore, don't get closer, why you talk with him,why you sit with him, what's the realtion after he left your team , " it used to be "normal" as one team,but now i 'll be under spot,so watched & criticized for any little intimacy I show. I know it's not that sharp as still we can keep the human relation,but definitely will not be like before,will be painfully less.. too less. At least there were those business issues to discuss.Now wht's only left is the little friendly talk.

All of sudden, I've to cope now -after 6 months of being with him-just like being thrown in a cruel sea without knowing how to swim & either you survive & fight or just die.No chance to think or learn or get ready,i'm in the middle now & i've to act accordingly.

Next week, i've to meet my new boss,wait for him, arrange my schedule as such.Next week, i'll be seeing him,my real boss,by accident,i'm not supposed to know his schedule ,his time,his news,it will be by chance from now on,will be very light, very limited & careful.Just after three days,i've to act all that,all of sudden,just next week

It's a big big problem & pain for me that I ca't bear,i cant imagine or believe it's that fast ,last week we're celebrating our great results & his unique success
This's not love as love, it's not male-female relation though many think so.
I can't cope.

He

2006-09-13T23:22:00.000+03:00

He left me today
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Turn the Page

Taking the Hat off

2006-09-13T00:09:00.000+03:00

I hope oneday I can be that cheerful blogger who writes about anything on earth except serious, mental driven, complicated, gloomy stuff.
I always read for other bloggers & start thinking "why can't I be that light-hearted ,comic, cheerful blogger who draws a smile on readers' face.?" why i always feel if im reading for myself, i will just get stunned saying" what!!!", then curse while switching to better places to read for.

Who I am !!!

2006-09-09T12:25:00.000+03:00

Have you ever realized you don't totally belong to where you live ?

the question sounds dramatic but no i dont mean that gloomy part.I just mean when someone becomes not totally/typically like the others.

I feel that nowadays cauze i relfect abit on myself & ask others abt me.I'm not a narrow minded typical Eastern-Egyptian girl who has some ideas like marriage & good catch as a top priority, superiority of men,the concept of " living & don't destroy ur life " even if her husband is a monster asshole.At same time, I'm open minded having emancipated ideas about relations in general & life. Still, i'm not that very open minded,still i've some conservative ideas tht keep fighting with the liberated ones.

Definitely I feel im not typical egyptian, there's something makes everyone ask me here " where are you from ? you're not egyptian ,or at least you lived abroad for a good portion of ur life". With all my objections on gulf life,still I'm sure it positively shaped my character being born & living there few years. I dont know but I'd those Arab qualities that really smash some Egyptian defects I could've had if i was born or live completely here.I noticed that there's always something about those who lived abroad for awhile,either in Arab or Western country.They're different in general,I'm one of them.

Beside being different,they always have that feeling they dont totally belong or harmonize with their country people,they always feel detached in one point or another,different & somehow misused or mocked by others,whether due to some accent they acquire or a behavior they adapt " usually a better one".So i feel i'm not egyptian,still im not Arab gulf girl xcept for some words,accent & manners. Add to that my personal endeavour as travelling to the western part & having lots of acquaintances from there. This adds another conflictin aspect to the egyptian-gulf character.So conflicting due to its very liberated approach. My flexible attitude & acceptance of things egyptians can't,this open minded understanding of diversities & not minding dealing with them.This makes egyptians think i'm strange,unreligious,or deviated abit,then they meet my gulf-egyptian part which give them the most exclamation remarks, so at the end they cant totally decide whether im narrow or open minded,religious "gulf"or lacks faith, egyptian traditional or emancipated western.I myself dont know for sure coz i move & differ from time to time that i don't understand myself at the end.

One thing I know is that i'm the outcome of three different worlds : Egypt, gulf country, west.though two of them sound similar but trust me they 're not,alot of my gulf characteristics totally contradict with what Egyptians have.But all in all. I love my diversity, i love being diverse as one,but i'm abit annoyed of the diversity in living & evaluating things,coz i judge somethings with my egyptian part,others with the gulf & the rest with the western i absorbed myself.

This makes me think of those mutlinationals who have parents from different countries & live in a third whole different one,how they live,what kind of conflict they have,how they cope & wht are challenges they face?

Blue Aura

2006-09-07T22:36:00.000+03:00

Your Aura is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart.
You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone.
Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

What Color Is Your Aura?

My Boss

2006-09-07T14:26:00.000+03:00

Finally I managed to make the surprise celebration party for my boss to celebrate his promotion & the good results we had as a team.He was so touched unbelieving we did all that for him.When reading the card,he just fell silent from being emotionally touched & it was clear. I gave him Armani's Black Code. Im happy everything went amazing as planned,but i hate when the team didnt agree on taking photos coz they look tired ,I wanted to have some photos since we don't have any.Next time may be.

the American-lebanese-German guy whom I'd crush on popped up online & talked nicely to me.He was extra caring & sayin how much he misses me & so. He asked me for my new cell phone,& he put our photo together as his blog's main picture.I don't have any special feelings to him now, but this doesnt surprise me.What is strange is that i dont even feel bad or hurt we're not together,I don't have any negative feelings or hate him.It's just that neutral state,I even treat him as if we used to be friends & nothing special was there at anytime,just like any friend,not an ex, not an enemy.

till now i didnt talk to dalia or tarek openly ,but they feel surely there's something wrong with yasso & me & that we changed,specially Dalia,but i dont wanna talk,,i dont care actually to talk or improve things as they didnt care to & also i dont have energy now for arguments.

talk later .....

vacations: Mask off Friends

2006-09-01T21:16:00.000+03:00

my vacation ended today.It was mainly divided into two parts: one with friends & the other with family.I will start with the best & last part which was surprisingly, my family's time.
Although i expected my vacation with friends to be the best fun, it turned to be a drama.
ok, i spent 3 days only with my family whom i went to find them so bored & desperate from me that i didnt join them as early as planned & i wasted 4 days of my familytime with the friends.But any way, i'd so much fun with them spending the morning at beach smelling my favorite sea smell,listening to waves move,and breathing fresh air while watching my brother swimming & taking photos. In the evening , we go out for lunch which was mainly sea food then sitting at one of my so beloved places,i.e., open cafes by the sea watching live people walkin. I always envy guys for that bliss we girls miss here,but in Alex i can sit at same open cafes decently & normally .I never miss that when i'm in alex, i dont go to our cairen cafes there,yaaa3.
Then we go back to watch T.V. and laugh at some of my brothers fooleries or at my brother makin fun of any of us or teasin my older sis which is one of my favorite comic scenes. It was so relaxing time & served perfectly in letting us be together more often.We'd everyday meals together,sat together,talked,laughed,& united.I'd a family wonderful time.

Coming to the worst part : friendssssssssssssss.will pin point at some horrible incidents

- Tarek brought his evil witch 17 old sister who imposed herself in a special vacation supposed to be for us the friends only

- Tarek came everyday to us which left no time for us the 3 friends to spend together

-not only he selfishly came everyday but he used to bring his young witch sister everyday ,leaving her with yasso & me while he sneaks with Dalia as a couple to enjoy,with no consideration for those friends who're not forced to host his witch,ok, you brought ur sis against our will,lacking all sense of etiquette,so bear her responsibility not to fuckin caring abt ur own joy with fiance & make us loaded with ur stupid evil sis/ stranger.

- Dalia insisted on us staying at her chalet in sa7el not at Yasso's cause her family won't allow her to stay there & she shouted at us that the main aim is to be together so we should stay with her. We did though yasso chalet was better & at least for us alone......While Lady Dalia's was a family one where her brother's wife & her baby boy,as well as a cousin stayed with us the whole period. Adding to the misery, I left my family to let loose with friends but it ended up having my new family ,that's, Dalia's dad,mom, brothers,cousins, bro's wife & a baby. Me was forced to obey Dalia's planning for our everyday & how to spend it.Me was forced to Dalia call to her dad every day telling him about our plan as friends & his objection,then his modified plan which always included the whole family to be with us every day .So i spent my days as a memebr in a strange family doing wht they decide. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

- Tarek's family"dad,mom,witch sis" also joined the party
- Tarek performed well as the most self centered,selfish ,creature one can ever meet, with the assistance of his fiance,Dalia,who was a real discovery for me. They togther acted very selfishly ,uncaring about yasso & me or our happiness ,though we did all the time.Everyday Dalia tells us about her plan for the day which is mainly to be with Tarek as much as she can, giving each of us a role to play in order to make her plan succeed.Her sole aim was to be wth tarek as if we happened to be with them by chance not that we're supposed to be the main company.Everyday she sneaks with Tarek,leaving yasso & me with her family & tarek family,never cared to check whether we're happy or not,whether it's ok for us to be with her family or no,never asked so we may not be fine,what a joke,she leaves her family & we stay with them as if its our duty.

- I got so pessed off from the second day,but I saw Yasso coping & havin no problem so i kept anger inside with a gloomy face that kept each one asking wht's wrong.Till a day yasso asked me if i'm happy or no.Only then I exploded & seems she reached my state but late.Everytime I suggest going out in away to enjoy,yasso considers dalia's family being with us'though dalia herself didnt care abt them".We found out that we're not enjoyin & that we wasted our vacation with selfish people who didnt care about us & we cared alot about their happiness. Dalia & Tarek who used us as tools to achive their selfish joy. It's understood you're newly engaged & want to enjoy,but what is unacceptable is not letting us also enjoy by planning everyday just for their happiness & not allowing us to go out of her family's plans.It was my mistake to be passive.I should've left with yasso to her chalet so that we can have fun,i should've told dalia that we're supposed to be together ,but in fact we're not & that she's enjoying alone,so we also should leave to enjoy like her,but i backed off fearing her anger , i cared more than they deserve.

- Tarek imposed his witch sis everyday to the extent that we decided last day we'll spend in Yashmak " girls only beach" ,only yasso,me, dalia,,and her 2 relatives. When he knew our plan,he vulgarily asked dalia to take his sis with us & ofcourse she couldn't object for the sake of not fightin with her fiance,no matter how this will kill her friends.

- I exploded finally in the face of Dalia & her relatives since I really couldn't take that rude selfishness anymore & i insisted on leaving immediately as I won't accept her anymore,Dalia started crying & victimizing herself,gaining others' pity. I decided not to let the little witch & her brother spoil my last & only fun at the girls' beach( since our arrival ,we didnt touch sea or swimming pool water ). So I went to Yashmk that was the only great fun there with sun tan, swimming with bikini,dancing,aeurobics & relaxing.

- Taek's little witch likes Dalia's brother,aaaaaand for her misery ,,he liked me since the engagement day,and it seems either he told his family about me or they also liked me cause i noticed weird family attention to me,kinda checking out,watching, observation & kind caring from the older bro,mom & dad. The guy approaced me manytimes & it was clear he likes me.Actually I reacted negatively ignoring his attempts & whenever he comes to sit with me , i leave the place to other which he joins again & i leave & so on.I don't know but i'm not ready for any relations now,I can't love him ,,,I'm already still in love,forever,, & even after.

wicked thoughts: I should've given him space just to kill tarek's sis, I imagine how her face was so horrible seeing the guy neglecting her & following me, At least The best revenge from that witch who spolied my vacation was to let her see me in harmony & enjoying with the guy she likes ,, i'm foool to waste that chance, i wish i can do that oneday to her,i've a strong urge to irritate her as much as she did with her rudeness,tricks,& with her selfish brother & fiance.I know I'll meet the guy again,hmmm,, it won't be for her good at all if i still have all those negative vibes towards her & the vacation, least favor i'll do is to break her stupid heart.She deserves

i discussed wht happened with jiji & my sisters,they all agreed on their slefishness & rudeness,but they also objected yasso & my passivity towards their uncarin attitude.Now, I can't take Tarek & dalia anymore,i've enough negative vibes that can kill them both just passin by. i need time to reconcile with my shock at them,specially Dalia since I knew Tarek from previous experiences.

Lessons learned:
-No one deserves sacrificying your own happiness for,no matter how nice they appear,at the end,they will only care for their own self.
lesson learned: no one will care for you if you don't care enough for your self
- Be nice as much as possible , but be alert to claim ur rights when people misuse how nice you're.,there's no point in being angel with bastards

Brazillian Bikini

2006-08-23T11:45:00.000+03:00

My 10 days vacation started yesterdy. Today is Dalia & Tarek's engagement. yaaaaaaah (sigh) el welad kebro :) like a movie at my sight : those couple who started as common friends at work, each has boy/girl friend talking about all the time, Tarek as my intimate friend who always talks & complains,then he started hittin on Dalia after he broke up & her relation is on verge also, the cat-rat game & their finally agrrement on committment, Then today when they 'll get enagaged. Im not feelin bad cause I already understood Tarek very well & his selfish self-centered nature. I'm happy that some friends came to "happy end" for their love story.
I got my new Bikini yesterday.Actually i wanted Brazil's bikini which was super super wonderful with that green-yellow colors which harmonize with my copmosure,& brazillian flag,but it has a major defect that makes it doesnt fit my body.For me I wanted to get it by anymeans but the notion i won't look the best on it & that would damage the whole image made me back off & got another nice one that fits me the best. hmmm Which is better Brazillian bikini having the look of hot brazilians or the cutie sexy girly one?? Samba tab3an wins
However, I couldnt get out of shop without having Brazil in any way, I got the sportif brazillian bag instead.
Tomorrow in the morning will head to sa7el with my freinds & be followed by my sisters & brother, once in a life-time family gathering,something we didnt do long time ago
see ya after 10 days,,,,xcept if i'd access to blogging there.
cheers ;)

I Need a Hug

2006-08-20T00:41:00.000+03:00

I really feel i need a hug badly.I never asked for it & it never exceeded being a wish buried deep inside me.But today I felt I need it and I want it by any means.I looked around me for someone who can give me that needed hug,but definitely it wasn't Dalia or anyone at my work,it won't be my sisters as we never used to such talks or needs as sisters, & it can't be Tarek ,it's impossible to be my boss though he was so tender with me today & I saw a look on his face that i never saw before and that means alot alot alot.
Only yasso i can ask for that & she can do it for me,but she was off today.I called her & said how much i miss her,but i couldnt tell her that I needed her cause I need a Hug.
I feel so much boiling inside me,i feel like exploding soon to be relieved,but i can't find any outlet for what i feel, may be it's hitting someone,or cryin,screamin, walking,talking,shouting, may be a Hug.

I don't have a clear reason for what I feel, no actually i've an idea why I feel so,but I can't say. If i say, so i admit the shit i feel,i can't tell anyone also cause no one will appreciate & all will blame me for it.no one will understand it's out of my hand,they will start the boring lectures of wht's proper and what's not ,lectures I know & memorize by heart.I don't need a damn preaching for god sake,i need someone to feel for me,,i need a Hug.
i personally wonder the reason for what i feel,it shouldn't be like that, it wasn't supposed to be like that,i'm surprised it's like that, i never expect it to be like that,but it's now,,,it's a fact now,,oh Fuck i hate it all.
i need to walk away now,, i've a deep tendency for self-destruction and inner aggressiveness that eats me up from in out.I can't say, i can't say, i've to keep it deep inside me,i can't say, i shouldn't say.

Get to Know your Blogger

2006-08-16T23:59:00.000+03:00

Kareemy wanted me to do it, i can't say no to that guy actually.Here it goes:

1. What is your full name?
Raghoood

2. What color pants are you wearing?
Grey short

3. What are you listening to right now?
Savage Garden's "I know I loved You before I met You"

.4. What was the last thing you ate?
Smoked chicken and pasta with white sauce,mashrom and basil "Spectra's greatest dish " - Profitrol chocolate

5.If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
yellow

6.How is the weather right now?
Egypt's hateful humid nasty summer

7.Who is the last person you spoke to on the phone?
Dalia my friend to check how things went as Tarek,my ex-best male friend is at her home for engagement " ye2ro fat7a" now.

8.Do you like the person who sent this to you?

I see Kareem as the most popular blogger, even in some "plain" posts of him,you can find not less than 5 comments on it. Something i don't have,so it tells alot how loved he 's.He's so much socially talented ,knows when to often listen & care and when to maintain his right of talk.Very able to show others he cares,soooo smart thing.

9.How old are you today?
23 years old, 4 months, 3 days "snif snif "

10.Favorite drink?
Pina colada, milk, hot chocolate heavy,chocolatte,green tea,tea with ginger, cold water with a touch of rose water.

11. Favorite sport?
Aeurobics, walking, yoga (practise all), tennis .

12.Hair color?
dark brown, call it " iswed "

13. Siblings?
Yes

14.Favorite food?
chicken shawerma, wara2 3enab ma7shi, makarona with bashamel, Pizza, pasta with white sauce & mashrom, sea food,smoked salamon.

15.What was the last movie you watched?
One of the People "wa7ed men el nas" cinema, phantom of the Opera " DVD"

16. Favorite day of the year?
my beloved's birthday

17.What was your favorite toy as a child?
Doctor's full Kit. I still have it all till now

18.Summer or winter?
winter

19.Hugs or kisses?
hugs are more passionate for me.

20.Chocolate or Vanilla?
Vanilla of course.

21.Do you want your friends to email you back?
yes ,want to see their answers on their blogs to know more abt them.

22.Who is most likely to respond?
Kareem if he didn't already do it , Eyewitness, Mando "as a new follower here ":)

23.Who is least likely to respond?
El3in El Se7reya, boring lips since they already busy with more serious issues & i'm tafha akid for them :), Chris http://v0od0o.blogspot.com/ my first friend on blog

24. Living arrangements?
living all alone with my two sisters, can host dad for some hours/days to say hi

25.When was the last time you cried?
Almost whenever I remember the one I love. other than this, when my boss seriously shouted at me, accepting no words of me,month ago.

26.What is under your bed?
nothing, except may be my lost body splash & ring

27.Who is the friend you are sending this to you have had the longest?

eyewitness, kareem,Chris

28. What did you do last night?
phoned Yasso, blogged, met some friends at Cilantro AUC, filled in application for conference in India.

29. Favorite smell?
that's a good question.hmmm, my skin after bath of shower gel, smell of salty waves, smell of rainy weather, bakeries, jasmine flower, Ambre romance body splash by victoria's secret , CK, Madmoasille Chanel, very irressistable, Kenzo flower, San D'upont.
Men smell: Black Code and Mania by Armani make me melt inside, 212, Dunhill desire red, San D'upont, deep red by Hugo.

30.Favorite TV show?
cartoon if i can say.

31.Happy In life?
generally yes

32.What are you afraid of?
losing loved ones " lover ; family" - getting sick - growing old with no partner/company.

33.Butter or salted popcorn?
Salted

34.Favorite car?
Jeeps, Honda, BMW

35.Number of keys on your key ring?
6 ( 3 apartments, 2 lockers, 1 my samsonite bag)

36. How many years at your current job?
11 months

37.Favorite day of the week?
Friday

38.What did you do on your last birthday?

waiting for a person to call all the day, went out with work friends to celebrate in the evening, called my boss to say Happy birthday as he is born at same day like me.

39.How many cities have you lived in?
Saudi Arabia, monofia, Cairo.

40.Do you make friends easily?
not close friends ,but i can know people veery easily, & leave/change them quickly "social butterfly"

41.How many people will you be sending this to?
practically every one readin my blog, who're too little.

thanks Kareemy for the self-quest again ;)